First draft by Pat McCormick and Tom Moore
October 1, 1981
FADE IN
EXT. NIGHT
An enormous ocean liner is steaming its way under calm seas of the mid-Atlantic. The moon is full against a crystal clear sky dotted with millions of stars. In the perspective distance we hear music and the usual babble of party sounds; laughter, voices and noises. All is peaceful and calm. Over this, we hear Orson Welles' powerful and awesome voice, reading the supered graphics as they appear on screen.
ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
The ocean liner Queen Mary.
(long beat)
The Year: 1982.
(long beat)
The people you are about to meet are real. (long beat) The places exist.
(long beat)
It's the story that's --
(short beat)
-- Bullshit!
The supered graphic for "Bullshit" zooms to full screen from infinity. The "ullshit" drops out of the super leaving just the "B" as the letters O-A-T take their places. "BOAT" is now supered over the aerial scene. Slowly the "A" begins to tip over as water begins to fill the letter "O" (as if the "O" were a porthole). Appropriate music and sound effects will accompany this animated transition.
EXT. POLO FIELD - SPECTATOR STANDS
We see Princess Dianna cringe as she watches Prince Charles fall. We can tell by the reactions of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles that it is not the first time.
Ext. POLO FIELD
Prince Charles swings and misses the ball, but his horse in the face. He plays some more then falls again. The scoreboard reads:
EDINBURGH 3
DEVONSHIRE 2
NUMBER PRINCE FALLS
A boy changes the figure on the scoreboard from a ten to an eleven.
Ext. POLO field - spectator STANDS
Prince Phillip is watching Prince Charles in dismay. He pulls out a flask, drinks, and hands it to Queen Elizabeth. She drinks, hands it to Princess Dianna. She drinks.
PRINCE CHARLES' HORSE
He also is taking a drink from a flask.
POLO FIELD
Prince Charles takes his polo pony much too close to the spectators and when he swings his mallet he hits a tray of champagne a waiter is carrying, sending the glasses flying.
POLO STANDS
PRINCE PHILLIP
(sarcastically)
You're abdicating your throne to let him be King.
QUEEN ELIZABETH
Come, Phil. Let's go.
The Queen stands and leaves immediately. Prince Phillip turns to Princess Dianna.
PRINCE PHILLIP
See you back at the Palace.
DIANNA
Fine, Phil. You better have the Royal Stretcher standing by.
QUEEN ELIZABETH
Come on, Prince. Here Prince. Come on, Prince.
Prince Phillip gets up and leaves. He and Princess Dianna wave at each other.
POLO FIELD
Prince Charles is riding backwards on his polo pony. He rides off camera. We hear a horse tumbling and a crash.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN
INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE SITTING ROOM
Elegant royal appointments. The Queen is seated. Prince Phillip is by the fireplace, sipping sherry. Princess Dianna is seated across from the Prince. In between is a beautiful antique table with an electronic pong game set in the center. We see they are playing polo pong. The Queen is playing the piccolo.
DIANNA
Ah hah! I scored a polo goal!!
Prince Charles falls off his chair. He gets back up. The Queen puts her piccolo aside.
QUEEN
(looking heavenward)
Why did I say I'd give up my throne?
PHILLIP
Can we all forget the games for a few minutes and get royal?
Prince Charles and Princess Dianna stop their game.
DIANNA
Something wrong, Phil?
PHILLIP
(to Charles and Dianna)
This is momentous.
Prince Charles pours a sherry for Princess Dianna and himself.
PHILLIP
Your Mother decided to turn the throne over to you by abdicating.
DIANNA
(to Queen)
Thank you for letting me watch you abdicate.
The Queen does a "Holy-god-what-have-I-gotten-into" take.
PRINCE PHILLIP
Now you are about to take the Queen Mary on a voyage to pick up the invited guests for your coronation.
QUEEN
And it cost plenty to get the Queen Mary back from the American authorities at Long Beach.
CHARLES
And I thank you, Mom, for okaying it.
DIANNA
It's such a beautiful ship. But why does the Queen Mary have three smokestacks and the SMS Queen Elizabeth only two smokestacks?
PHILLIP
(laughs)
Because Queen Mary was stacked better than Queen Elizabeth the First.
Charles and Phillip laugh. The Queen rises. She heads for the windows.
QUEEN
Son, remember you will be going on a trip where you will be the host for every important person in the world, while taking them to your coronation.
Charles goes to his mother's side and walks to the window.
CHARLES
I understand, mother.
QUEEN
You must remember you will soon be King. You will be the symbol on this voyage of the dignity of our family and the traditions of England.
They stare out of the window.
CHARLES
I know, Mum.
QUEEN
Take those Buckingham Guards, for instance. For centuries through tradition, these guards have been rigid and imperturbable. No matter what the public does to annoy them, they remain their traditional stalwart selves.
EXT. COURT YARD
A Buckingham Palace guard is taking the traditional, stoic, straight, unflinching look. A tourist flashes at him. The Buckingham Palace guard flashes back, and birds fly out of the guard's fly. The guard resumes his rigid position.
THE QUEEN AND PRINCE CHARLES
Although they continue to stare out the window, they have missed this tableau. Prince Phillip calls to them.
ANGLE ON THE ROOM
PRINCE PHILLIP
Liz, Charles, there's not much time. We must say good-bye. The footmen are here to take them to the Queen Mary.
DIANNA
Is our luggage ready?
QUEEN
Yes, it's in the breezeway.
The Queen opens the door. We see a hallway with about 200 pieces of luggage, and a horse. They all ad lib good byes and wave to each other. Servants come to pick up the bags. It is a poignant farewell.
The Queen closes the door after Charles and Dianna have gone, leaving her and Phillip alone inside the room we were in in Buckingham Palace.
The Queen is choked up that her son and daughter-in-law-to-be are leaving. She walks back into the room and walks to the fireplace. Prince Phillip walks around to her.
PHILLIP
You know, Liz. When Charles becomes King, I'm going to miss this place. It has many memories.
The Queen walks over to a beautiful crystal rectangular-shaped artifact.
QUEEN
(sighs)
Yes, here's Queen Victoria's lovely crystal asparagus holder.
Phillip walks to a painting of Henry the Eighth.
PHILLIP
And this great painting ~ miss it. See these numbers here on the bottom of the painting? Remember.
QUEEN
Of course. That's the number of King Henry's divorce lawyer.
The Queen walks over to an antique couch. One end of it is charred and burned out.
QUEEN
Here's a memory.
PHILLIP
It sure is. That beautiful 14th century sofa that Winston Churchill put his cigar ashes on and burned the shit out of the end.
Queen goes to a beautiful Rembrandt painting.
QUEEN
And this fabulous Rembrandt painting worth 3.5 million pounds.
She looks closely at the bottom of the picture.
QUEEN
I never noticed this before.
She reaches at the bottom and pulls a tab up. A Magic Slate type plastic sheet lifts up --- erasing the painting. There is now an empty frame.
PHILLIP
I didn't know they had Magic Eraser Slates 300 years ago.
The Prince walks to Queen Elizabeth. He puts his arm around her.
PHILLIP
You know when you're no longer Queen, I won't have anything to do.
QUEEN
You haven't done anything for 30 years anyway, asshole. You're good at doing nothing.
EXT. SOUTHHAMPTON DOCK
It is a bon voyage farewell taking place. People on the dock waving good-bye; people on the ship throwing streamers over the side. There are the sounds of boats in the distance. SOUND: Close encounters fog horn type sound. Followed by the Queen Mary ship horn doing the Close Encounters sound answer.
We see Close Encounters pin head people boarding the ship.
A young British lad throws a strong-looking streamer to the dock below. We follow the streamer to the dock where it is caught by what is obviously his girl. She looks up and smiles. The British lad tucks his end of the streamer into his pants as though he's attaching it. His girl on the dock starts tugging back and forth on the streamer. The British lad is smiling ecstatically as the streamer going into his pants is being tugged.
Prince Charles and Lady Dianne are on deck, waving at subjects on the dock. They have to wave so much we see they have electric fake arms waving for them.
CABIN ON BRIDGE - DAY
We hear bon voyage gala sounds outside.
The Captain is pacing back and forth in front of the seven key members of his crew. The Captain is with a proper-looking English security officer, Terrance Hawkins.
NELSON
(to staff)
Staff, I want to introduce you to a very important member of this voyage. He is Inspector Terrance Hawkins from Scotland Yard. He is in charge of security on this trip.
Hawkins nods to the staff cordially. The Captain begins introducing the staff individually.
NELSON
Inspector, this is one of my two executive officers, Thomas Armstrong.
HAWKINS
Yes, Officer Armstrong. As a security intelligence officer I have checked on all of you. You, Armstrong. You graduated from the United States Merchant Marine Academy, where you were Captain of the basketball team. You have an uncle who is serving time for having sex with his shadow.
NELSON
This is our other executive officer, Victor MacNamara.
HAWKINS
Yes, you play tennis, you play bridge, you drive a 1972 BMW 2002 tii, and you have a black belt in positive thinking. As a matter of fact, you're wearing Dale Carnegie's old shoes.
NELSON
As you can see, we have an excellent security officer.
BOTTOM OF GANG PLANK
A middle-aged man stands in front of a group of sinister-looking men in turbans.
The middle-aged man goes to the metal detector, set up as special security measure for this special trip. He is wearing a top coat, a regular Madison Avenue shirt and suit.
In front of this man is his straight-looking and proper wife and his two normal-looking kids; a lO-year-old girl and a 12-year-old boy. They all go through the detector with no trouble.
When the middle-aged Madison Ave. man goes through the detector, it sounds off. A guard goes to him with a hand-held electronic detector (as in the airport), which is shaped like a charcoal starter. He finds a buzzing noise on the night side of the middle-aged man's coat. The guard reaches in and pulls a large pistol out of the prospective passenger's coat.
The guard runs the detector again over the man's clothes. The detector sounds off again. The guard pulls out two knives, another pistol and a shotgun. At this point another guard comes up with a detector. Both guards start pulling weapons and drugs out of the man's top coat.
The frisked passengers, wife and two children look at the guards confiscating all the contraband from the father and husband.
After pulling a fantastic amount of weapons out of the man's coat and suit, they get another reading at his leg. Then they grab it and unscrew it like a pirate's peg leg. Inside, the peg leg is filled with cocaine.
The guards now start to look at the wife and two kids suspiciously. They go over and the wife's leg and the two kids' legs also unscrew and weapons are in them. NOTE: During the above search, the man being frisked, like a Jekyll and Hyde, turns from a Madison Avenue man to a terrorist type, like Yassar Arafat.
CAPTAIN'S CABIN
The Captain continues to introduce British security man Hawkins to his staff.
NELSON
And this, Inspector, is our cruise director, Nancy Whitcomb.
HAWKINS
Oh yes, she was a gym teacher at Des Moines High School in Iowa. Her hobby is watching private planes land and her MasterCard expires next February tenth.
NELSON
You're amazing. I probably don't even have to tell you this man's name.
The Captain points to the ship's doctor, a large man.
HAWKINS
No, you don't. He is Harry Boyle. He always wanted to be a doctor. They knew he always wanted to be a doctor -- he wore rubber gloves from the age of five.
(to Boyle)
Once, because your son didn't make his bed, you punished him by giving him chemotherapy.
DOCTOR
How the hell did you know about that?
HAWKINS
Your hearing is impaired from listening to Janis Joplin's blood pressure. You were forced to become a ship doctor after adverse public reaction to your opening a sperm bank savings and loan.
NELSON
You're quite amazing, Inspector, about what you know.
HAWKINS
It's my business.
NELSON
Inspector, here is our nurse, Sally Drew.
Drew and Armstrong glance furtively at each other with a hint of romantic interest.
HAWKINS
She went to Wellesley College and at her Boston debutante coming out party, the music was played by Jay and the Americans, and your IUD coil is due to be changed next November.
SOUND: Ship's horn -- very loud. It seems to shake the whole cabin. The Captain looks at his watch.
NELSON
Almost time to shove off. And here, Inspector Hawkins, is our beverage manager, Ron Davis.
RON
I'm afraid to hear what he has on me.
HAWKINS
You grew up in an army base at Fort Still, Oklahoma. Your Father died of ringworm and you were thrown out of college when you were a bartender there, and served medical specimens at a fraternity cocktail party.
NELSON
Thank you, Inspector.
(to staff)
That's an example of how thorough security is on this trip. This trip is the most momentous in history. We are picking up every head of state and VIP in the world to bring them to the coronation. I'm glad we have such an excellent security officer.
(laughs)
He sure has the goods on you people.
HAWKINS
By the way, Captain. I also know that you lost a testicle during a towel snapping fight at a steam bath.
SOUND: The ship's horn. The room shakes.
EXT. DOCK
Gala, hoopla atmosphere, with streamers and confetti.
The ship pulls out, but it is not yet completely unhooked from the dock. The dock is ripped loose and torn away. People standing near the edge tumble screaming into the water.
SHIP'S BRIDGE
The Captain is looking out to sea. He doesn't know the dock was torn off.
NELSON
(smiles)
Looks like it's going to be a great trip.
EXT. HARBOR
as a salute to the Prince and Princess and the whole historic trip, the fire boats come alongside the Queen Mary and spout their water sprays up. The Prince and Princess are waving and acknowledging the salute of the fire boats.
Charles and Dianna look down on the fire boats spouting water. The streams of water hit them in the face. They are knocked over by the streams of water.
EXT. DECK
The Prince and Princess are moved along the deck as though the water stream is out to get them. They knock over waiters, deck chairs, and end up in the pool.
INT BUFFET TABLE
Fabulous, elegant opulent buffet table. Maurio, a suave Italian maitre de-type is on one side of the table. The Duke and Duchess of Sheckfield are on the other side, moving along as Maurio tells them what is being offered. Others are ahead and behind the Duke and Duchess, but not close.
MAURIO
(pointing)
Here is our rabbit. Our Polish trout and, my lord and lady, this is our jellied wren face.
They move along.
MAURIO
And here is our minced frog back with capers.
They move along. The Duke and Duchess are delightedly serving themselves as Maurio describes the food.
MAURIO
This is our pheasant nostril sauce.
Maurio pumps the wing of a pheasant-shaped dispenser, which acts as a sort of gravy boat. The sauce comes out of the pheasant's nostrils as the Duke and Duchess hold their plates under it.
MAURIO
And here is our fresh Shepherd's Pie.
The Duke sticks his fork in the pie and we hear…. SOUND: A sheep bleating.
MAURIO
It's very fresh.
They move to a tank of water…the same set-up they use for live lobsters, only there are steaks in it…underwater.
MAURIO
And here you can pick out your own steaks.
DUKE
How imaginative.
The Duke reaches in, gets his sleeve wet, and pulls out a steak.
DUKE
This is too small. I should throw it back in.
He throws in back into the tank, starts to reach for another one.
EXT. QUEEN MARY - NIGHT - LONG SHOT
of the ship cruising along in the ocean. SOUND: A reggae band plays the British national anthem in upbeat reggae rhythm.
EXT. SHIP'S DECK
Tom Armstrong and nurse Sally Drew are on deck standing by the rail. Like the lovers they are, they have their arms around one another in the moonlight.
SALLY
Tom, we've waited so long. Let's have the Captain marry us on this trip.
TOM
I want that as much as you, honey, but I've got to get my executive officer official papers. The only way I get that is if this is a smooth trouble-free trip. It's an important voyage to us.
SALLY
Do you have to get your papers first?
TOM
This is my last chance. We need the security. We don't want to marry if I'm out of work.
SALLY
All I know is I love you.
TOM
I love you, too, darling.
They kiss.
TOM
(smiling)
You know, God must wish us well. He's given us a sign with that beautiful moon.
They look up. A dark shadow passes over the moon, completely covering it.
SALLY
For Christ sake, it's an eclipse!
INT BRIDGE - NIGHT
Master Seaman Bates is at the wheel. Lieutenant Graham is sitting in the corner by a lighted drawing board looking over charts. Captain Nelson is looking forward into the night sea.
There is a knock at the cabin door.
NELSON
Enter.
A Humphrey Bogart look-alike enters in a Naval Captain's uniform.
NELSON
Ah hah, Captain Quigg. Come aboard the wheelhouse.
QUIGG
Hi, John. Hope you don't mind me coming up here.
NELSON
Not at all, Sam. A little nostalgia up here for you, I'll bet.
QUIGG
I feel at home here on the bridge.
NELSON
Captain Quigg, this is Master Seaman Bates at the helm.
QUIGG
Pleased to meet you.
BATES
(while steering)
You too, sir.
NELSON
And over there is our chief navigator, Lieutenant Graham.
GRAHAM
(waves)
Captain Quigg.
QUIGG
Pleasure.
Quigg and Nelson look out to sea.
ANGLE - Quigg AND NELSON - FROM BEHIND
SOUND: There is the sound of steel balls rubbing against one another, ala Captain Queeg in The Caine Mutiny.
NELSON
I know you're nervous, Quigg. I can hear you rubbing those balls against one another.
They turn around and we see that Captain Quigg is rubbing his own two personal balls together from the outside of the bottom of his pants fly with his right hand.
QUIGG
It's an old habit that's hard to quit.
NELSON
(to navigator and helmsman)
Captain Quigg and I were in the Navy together. He's a fine Navy man. You could learn a lot from him.
The helmsman and the navigator look at each other, then look at Quigg.
CLOSE-UP - QUIGG
rubbing his balls together.
ANGLE
We see the helmsman and the navigator start rubbing their personal balls together. SOUND: Now, three sets of steel balls are rubbing together.
ANGLE
Captain Nelson has turned to a vent that says ENGINE ROOM over it. It is like a tube leading down to the engine room.
NELSON
(into the tube)
Full speed ahead.
ENGINE ROOM
We see a Woody Allen look-alike (from now on known as Woody) stripped to the waist, and a Don Knotts struggling to shovel coal into the ship's engine furnaces. Woody hears the Captain on the tube. He hurries over to the tube and speaks into it.
WOODY
What was that, sir?
NELSON (V.O.)
Full speed.
WOODY
Full speed, aye aye, sir.
Woody turns and hollers to the engine room crew.
WOODY
(shouting)
Full speed.
The Don Knotts and a large black man and another older man run up with their shovels. They all sit down and take out vials.
CLOSE-UP - VIALS
The label on the vials reads, "SPEED."
CUT BACK TO:
ENGINE ROOM CREW
They all take the pills and get up and move their feet real fast and dance around crazily. They ad lib fast noises like, "Jesby deeby," Vitii beetic," mazi lazy" as they run rapidly in place.
CLOSE-UP - SPEAKER
NELSON (V.O.)
Resume normal pace.
CUT BACK TO:
ENGINE ROOM
All stop abruptly and leave, going off camera for their shoveling jobs. Woody walks to the back of the engine room. We see two sides of an ancient Phoenician ship, with rowers on both sides and an aisle down the middle. There are powerful men rowing away, looking forlorn and browbeaten. Woody walks to the head of the oarsmen. He takes a whip from a rack, standing like a foreman.
WOODY
We need more power from this crew.
He cracks the whip.
WOODY
This is no picnic, let's start cracking.
He snaps the whip again. Suddenly, all of the oarsmen stop rowing. They reach down and each of them picks up a whip of his own from under his bench. They start whipping Woody. Woody retreats, covering his head.
WOODY
I thought you guys were non-union.
SHIP'S BAR
Bartender Ron Davis is tending bar. He is busy, with a full bar facing him. He is making a drink. A man calls to him.
CUSTOMER 1
(a little bombed)
Hey, bartender, tell me a joke.
RON
Okay. What's black and white and twenty feet tall?
Customer 1 looks puzzled and shrugs his shoulders.
CUSTOMER 1
I don't know.
RON
Sister Mary Kong.
Everyone laughs.
END OF THE BAR
There is a man sitting there next to a girl. The Man nudges the girl.
CUSTOMER 2
(quietly to girl)
Watch this.
Customer 2 calls to Ron.
CUSTOMER 2
Hey, Ron, how small is your home town?
Ron doesn't skip a beat as he continues to serve drinks.
RON
It's so small the leading industry was incest.
CUSTOMER 2
I've known Ron, our bartender, here, for some time. There are, let's see…
(counts)
…fifteen of us here at the bar. I'll bet Ron can serve us all within two minutes flat.
ANGLE ON BAR
A British gent hears the challenge and perks up.
BRITISHER
I'll bet you a thousand he can't.
CUSTOMER 2
You're on.
A third customer pulls out a stop watch and looks at Ron.
CUSTOMER 3
Okay, Ron….Go!
RON - SLOW MOTION
Ron goes into a slow motion fantastic tour de force in bartending. Ron reaches into the ice bin and scoops up two cupped hands full of ice. He throws the ice into the air.
ICE
tumbling slowly through the air.
LINE OF GLASSES
sitting on the bar. We see the ice cubes drop into each glass.
RON - ANOTHER ANGLE
Ron throws a lemon into the air, takes a knife and peels it as it comes down.
He throws an olive behind his back, and it lands in a martini.
Ron leans down to grab a bottle. At the same time with his foot, he turns on the beer tap, sending beer into the glass that is waiting beneath.
He goes along the bar, pouring drinks into glasses from different bottles.
He bounces a cherry off the back wall, and it falls into a drink.
Taking up the mix gun, he fires soda, coke, tonic, etc., into glasses. He ends up by taking a bar rag at one end of the bar and giving it a spin down the length of the bar. The rag cleans the whole surface of the bar as it passes along.
REGULAR MOTION
Customer 3 clicks the stopwatch.
CUSTOMER 3
One minute, forty-seven seconds. The Britisher puts up the money.
BRITISHER
That was worth a thousand!
INT. - WHEELHOUSE CABIN
We see Captain Nelson with security officer Hawkins.
NELSON
I received word that may be some stow-aways aboard.
HAWKINS
Don't worry, Captain, we plan to take the necessary steps.
EXT. - DECK - NIGHT
Two seamen are pushing a giant mousetrap along the deck. They park it next to a covered lifeboat.
SEAMAN 1
Put the safety on while I bait the stow-away trap.
SEAMAN 2
Right.
Seaman 2 sets a safety device so that the trap won't trigger when Seaman 1 baits it. Seaman 1 takes a bag up to the bait pad, which is just like the one on a regular mousetrap, only huge.
Seaman 1 opens the bag, and begins rummaging inside.
SEAMAN 1
Let's see, for a stow-away you are supposed to use a ham…
This, he pulls from the bag and sets on the bait pad.
SEAMAN 1
…An American Express card, three wallets and an egg salad sandwich.
These things he also pulls from the bag and attaches to the trap's bait pad. He walks gingerly away.
SEAMAN 1
Release the safety.
Seaman 2 releases the safety and the two seamen scurry off camera.
The camera stays on the scene with the huge trap. Suddenly, we see the flap on the canvas tarp covering the life boat flip open. A beach-bum-looking older guy with a stubble beard climbs out of the life boat. He looks furtively around. Everything about him spells "stow-away." He stretches. As he stretches he spots the bait.
STOWAWAY'S POV - BAIT PAD
We focus in on the bait --- the ham, wallets, American Express card, money, sandwich.
ANGLE ON STOW-AWAY
He makes a frantic bee line for the bait. As he crosses into the trap, we can see that he is so crazed with the thought of reaching the bait that he doesn't even see the trap. The bum grabs the bait and the arm on the trap slams down and clamps him like a rat.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Inspector Hawkins walks up to observe his trapped stow-away. He puffs on his pipe.
HAWKINS
(to no one in particular)
The old stow-away trap trick. It's worked for centuries.
INT. - HALLWAY
There is a room service waiter delivering a tray.
The waiter carries the tray of food up to a door with a sign on it. The sign reads:
LEPERS WITHIN.
He raps on the door. The door opens. The waiter enters. The door closes. The camera stays on the door. After a moment, the door opens again, and the waiter emerges, sans tray. His right arm falls
Along comes positive-thinking Executive Officer Victor MacNamara. He has seen the waiter's arm fall off. The waiter tries to salute him with the stump of his arm.
MACNAMARA
I saw your arm fall off. Now don't you worry. You think positive and that arm will grow back. Think of the positive side of it. It could have been your head that fell off.
The waiter looks at MacNamera with a "what the hell is this?" look on his face as we
FADE OUT:
FADE IN
RECREATION ROOM - NIGHT - NANCY WHITCOMB
The cruise director is holding forth. The recreation area is a large open room indoors. The group gathered for the occasion are mostly nobility and look it. Nancy talks to them on the hand mic.
NANCY
Hi, everybody. I'm Nancy Whitcomb, your cruise director. It's my job to see that everyone has fun. We have some real great activities coming up on this voyage. This evening, there's a caviar eating contest and the Duke and Duchess Mud Wrestling Tournament. And tomorrow we have a unique creation --- Lenny Bruce Scrabble, with four extra sets of Fs.
A DUKE
What will our activity be now? What are these cards for?
NANCY
Tonight we will be playing bingo. Those are bingo cards.
A DUCHESS
Bingo?
NANCY
Yes. I will pick numbers out of this bowl…
She points to a large bowl full of pieces of paper.
NANCY
You all have cards. I will call off the letters and the squares. When you have five letters ---remember, you need all five ---
NANCY
when you have all five letters all in a row, you holler "Bingo," and you win the prize. Okay? Okay, here goes.
Nancy reaches into the bowl and pulls out the first number.
NANCY
Here's the first square --- Bl.
A huge black, six-foot-nine-inch Bubba Smith guy stands up.
BUBBA
(low voice)
Bingo.
NANCY
But's that's only one letter.
BUBBA
That's right.
Nancy looks at Bubba for a moment, then reaches a decision.
NANCY
Yes, of course.
She hands Bubba the prize.
INT DINING ROOM - NIGHT
It is meal time, and there are many people eating at tables arranged around the Captain's table.
The camera moves in on the Captain's table. The Captain is seated next to an empty chair. Four other formally dressed couples are seating around the table. The setting is elegant.
NELSON
I'm sorry my bride isn't here yet. She's a little late getting dressed for dinner.
MARQUIS 1
You probably wore the poor young thing out.
DUKE 1
Maybe your new bride is being treated for diaper rash.
Everyone chuckles.
NELSON
(smiles)
You're just jealous because I've got myself a new young wife. But please, let me have the waiters bring you your dinner from the serving table.
DUCHESS 1
No, we'll wait for her.
CLOSE-UP - DUKE 2
Duke 2 is a heavy-set gentleman who is obviously not pleased about having to wait. He is tapping his fingers impatiently, waiting to eat. He decides to bite into the plate. He chews it.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Other dignitaries see him. Each, in turn, casually start to bite in and chew up their coffee cups, plates, etc. They start chewing the center piece, knives, forks, salad plates --- everything.
DINING ROOM ENTRANCE
The Captain's wife, Mrs. Nelson, enters. She is a beautiful woman in her early twenty's. She's taking a last curler out of her hair, as she heads for her chair.
MRS. NELSON
I'm terribly sorry I'm late. I had a hard time finding someone to zip me up. Forgive me.
The other dignitaries all ad lib (through mouths full of china), "It's perfectly all right." "We understand." Etc.
TWO SHOT - MR. AND MRS. NELSON
NELSON
I was getting concerned, darling.
He gives her a kiss. She sits down at the table. He remains standing and signals the waiters.
NELSON
(to waiters)
Will you serve our dinners now, please.
We see Laurel and Hardy are the waiters. They typically fall all over themselves as they start to serve the foods.
NOTE: We eventually learn they are the sons of the original Laurel and Hardy.
Laurel looks at the plate he wants to serve.
LAUREL
Who gets the goose?
DUCHESS
I'm late for my psychic.
(to waiters)
Waiter. Will you bring me a doggie bag, please?
HARDY
Yes, M'am.
(to Laurel)
Get the doggie bag, Stanley.
NELSON
(to Duchess)
Be careful, Duchess. That psychic once told me to invest in a Big Man's shop in Tokyo.
Laurel brings in a bag, sets it in front of the Duchess.
LAUREL
Here's your doggie bag, Duchess.
The Duchess opens the doggie bag and a dog walks out of it.
INT HALLWAY
We follow a man in his thirties who is walking along. A few other people pass by. The man tips his toupee to passersby.
He walks up to a door. The sign on the door reads:
LOW I.Q. ANONYMOUS MEETING HERE
He knocks on the door. A woman opens the door. The man keeps knocking on the woman's face.
The woman whose face is being knocked greets him.
WOMAN
You can come in now, sir.
INT MEETING ROOM
We see another recreation room that is rather like a hall. It has a higher ceiling than most of the rooms on the ship. We see four people are gathered around a ladder, holding it off the ground, and turning it. A fifth person is on top of the ladder, holding a lightbulb. Together, the five are trying to screw in a lightbulb.
MEETING ROOM - ANOTHER AREA - TWO SHOT
A guy in a sky diver outfit is sitting on the floor talking with a girl who is wearing a bra outside her dress. The skydiver is in the middle of telling a story.
SKYDIVER
My friend from the Low I.Q. Club went sky diving the other day and he just couldn't figure out how to open his parachute.
The Skydiver illustrates by fumbling around, pulling things on his chest, simulating the skydiver whose chute didn't open.
GIRL
He just kept falling?
SKYDIVER
He just kept falling. Then, he looked down and saw another Low I.Q. Club member flying from the ground up. Now, as he starts to fly up past our falling skydiver. As the Low I.Q. Club guy going up goes by the skydiver going down, the skydiver hollers, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" And the guy going up hollers, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?"
MAN
A man looks down at his shoes, then puts his foot up on a nearby chair, as if he noticed his shoelace was undone, and he was going to make it easier to tie his shoe. Instead, he bends way down and ties the lace on the shoe that is still on the floor.
ANGLE SHOT - ONE-ARMED MAN
hanging from a pipe way up on the ceiling. Two guys right under him look up at the man.
GUY 1
(from below)
Harry, will you come down, please?
Harry is adamant.
HARRY
No.
GUY 1
(to Guy 2)
What are we going to do? He won't come down.
GUY 2
He's a Low I.Q. Club member, isn't he?
GUY 1
Yes.
GUY 2
Then I know how to get him.
Guy 2 looks up at Harry, the one-handed man hanging from the pipe.
GUY 2
Hi, Harry.
He waves at Harry. Harry smiles and lets go of the pipe with his one arm to wave back. In so doing, he falls right on top of Guy 1 and Guy 2.
DART MAN
A man is standing with a number of darts in his mouth.
VOICE (o.s.)
Are you all set?
The man with darts in his mouth nods yes.
PULL BACK:
to reveal a man with a dart board. He slams it against the darts.
EXT. - DECK NEAR RAILING - NIGHT
Ron the bartender and Nancy the cruise director stand together by the railing.
RON
I thought we'd have a lot more time together, darling.
NANCY
I would have been here sooner, but we played charades and the last charade was "Love is a Many Splendored Thing," and even if they are Giants, they don't have to do that to my sister.
RON
I love you, honey. I get all worked up when I don't see you.
NANCY
I do, too.
We hear romantic music swell up in the background as they kiss passionately. And that's not all. As they kiss, Ron's pants start to balloon out as if inflating.
EXT. SHIP
We see a port hole, and the camera moves in for a closer look at what's going on the deck below. Through the port hole, we see a very tall six-foot nine-inch man. A midget girl is having oral sex with the tall man's knee. The camera pulls back.
NEXT LOWER DECK - PORT HOLE
As we peer through the port hole, we see two young women lie in twin beds. There is a radar-type screen at the foot of the beds. The revolving radar sweep indicates something on the screen.
GIRL 1
Looks like a hard-on approaching at three o'clock.
NEXT LOWER DECK - PORT HOLE
The port hole of the engine room. We move in on two guys shoveling coal into the furnace. One is small, a Woody Allen type. The other is a giant black man, Lothar.
WOODY
It sure is a romantic evening.
LOTHAR
It sure is.
He looks at Woody.
LOTHAR
Aw, screw it.
He throws his shovel aside and starts necking with Woody. Woody is reluctant but is over-powered.
INT. - STATE ROOM
Prince Charles and Princess Dianna are in their cabin, wearing their pajamas and night gowns. They get into their twin beds. The light in the middle is still on.
PRINCE
It's quite a trip, isn't it, darling?
DIANNA
Yeah, but what are you doing over there?
CHARLES
You're right.
He gets up and starts to push the beds together.
DIANNA
You've got the right idea, you little cocker.
Dianna gets up and pushes her bed toward him, as he pushes toward her. The beds meet. They both hop back into bed.
Charles reaches for Dianna. He falls through the opening between the two beds.
DIANNA
Is it over, yet?
Charles crawls back up and pushes his bed back up against Dianna's bed again.
PRINCE
Not quite. Let's try again.
He reaches for her. They both fall through the separation between the beds.
The Prince's hand reaches up from between the beds and gropes to turn off the light. We hear a thumping sound.
CHARLES
(in the dark)
Will you ever forget our marriage?
DIANNA
Yeah. When the hell are we going to consummate it?
They laugh.
CHARLES
You're right, dear. But that wedding day was the greatest day of our lives.
DIANNA
I'll always treasure it.
Real footage of the real royal Prince Charles and Princess Dianna wedding.
INSERT
Footage of the royal procession of carriages heading to the church.
INSERT
Queen Elizabeth and Phillip waving out of the windows of their carriage.
QUEEN (v.o.)
Quite a good turn-out, don't you think, Phil?
PHILLIP (v.o.)
Yes, and quite orderly.
QUEEN (v.o.)
By the way, Phil, have you heard the joke about the negro pinata?
PHILLIP (V.O.)
No, what's a negro pinata?
QUEEN (v.o.)
A watermelon filled with food stamps.
INSERT
Footage of Queen Mother in a carriage with Prince Andrew and other children.
PEOPLE
standing in the street, watching the procession. We hear a shout from the crowd.
MAN (v.o.)
(to Queen Mother )
Throw us your dress.
INSERT
Footage of the Queen Mother's carriage.
QUEEN MOTHER (v.o.)
(laughing, to man in crowd)
Okay, commoner. Throw me your pants!
INSERT
Footage of the carriage carrying Princess Dianna and her father, Lord Spencer.
INT. CARRIAGE - PRINCESS DIANNA AND LORD SPENCER
DIANNA
This is quite a day, daddy.
Instead of Lord Spencer's reply, we hear a recording of Winston Churchill's famous "Fight them on the beaches" speech, but done as Lord Spencer doing an impersonation of Churchill.
DIANNA
For Christ's sake, Daddy. Can't you knock off your Churchill impression just this once?
INSERT
Footage of Princess Dianna's and Lord Spencer's carriage entering the church.
INSERT
Footage of trumpeters at the entrance. Instead of the sound of a royal fanfare, however, we hear Clyde McCoy playing "Sugar Blues."
INT. CHURCH MAUSOLEUM
We see two cement tombs. One crypt says, "King John," the other says "Queen Ann." An arm and hand comes out of one tomb and is holding hands with a hand coming out of the other crypt.
INT. CHURCH - ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
We see footage of the real Archbishop.
ARCHBISHOP (v.o.)
I am not wearing underwear and I love it.
STAINED GLASS WINDOW
As the camera slowly rises, we see the stained glass window behind the pulpit. It is an image of Elvis Presley playing his guitar.
INSERT
Footage of ceremony, showing the Archbishop, Prince Charles and Princess Dianna.
ARCHBISHOP (v.o.)
Who gives this woman in wedlock?
BLACK DUDE
in a white suit and a wide-brimmed white hat.
BLACK DUDE
(loudly)
I does!
INSERT
Footage of the marriage showing the Archbishop, Prince Charles, Princess Dianna and Lord Spencer, the father of the bride.
SPENCER (v.o.)
No you don't, mutha, I does.
ARCHBISHOP (v.o.)
If there is anyone here who knows of any reason this couple should not be joined together in holy wedlock, speak now or forever hold your peace.
CHURCH WALL
Hanging there is Christ on a cross. Christ's lips move.
CHRIST
I'm not to crazy about it.
INSERT
Footage of wedding scene: Archbishop, Prince Charles, and Lady Dianna.
ARCHBISHOP (v.o.)
You may now place the wedding ring on the bride's finger, Charles.
CLOSE-UP - RING FALLING
The camera follows the ring as it hits the floor and rolls under Lady Dianna's dress.
ARCHBISHOP, CHARLES AND DIANNA
Charles crawls under Lady Dianna's dress. Meantime, the Archbishop has been looking at his prayer book and does not see the ring drop and roll under the dress. Nor does he see the Prince disappear under the dress. So the Archbishop continues automatically, while the Prince searches for the ring on the floor under the dress.
ARCHBISHOP
Prince Charles, you may now kiss the bride.
INSERT
Footage of the farewell at the church when the two newlyweds pull off in the carriage with the
JUST MARRIED
sign Prince Andrew put on there. The Prince and Princess are seen as they drive off.
PRINCE (v.o.)
Coachman, pull over to the nearest chemist. I have to buy some protection for my wedding night.
INT. STATEROOM
Charles and Dianna are still out of sight on the floor in between the beds. There is a knock on the door.
WAITER (o.s.)
Room service.
The Prince is still hidden by the bed, and we can't see him.
PRINCE (o.s.)
Come in.
The Waiter enters. He doesn't see anybody, since they are both on the floor between the beds.
WAITER
I have your kippers, crumpets, and I have brought a packet of protection.
PRINCESS (o.s.)
Thank you.
EXT. - DECK - DAY
Captain Nelson is standing next to a man in a naval uniform. There are about twenty-five passengers standing next to a life boat.
NELSON
Folks, this is very important. Ensign Hale here is an expert on emergency evacuation of a ship. Pay close attention to what he says. It will be what to do in case the ship sinks. Knowing what he says could save your life. Here now, is Ensign Hale. By the way, the Ensign is an auctioneer in case you want to buy some rugs, later.
HALE
The Captain is right. What I say may save your life.
Hale now goes into an auctioneer type delivery, complete with double talk. He keeps talk this way as he points at the life boat and holds up the life jackets. His verbage is unintelligible. He stops.
Ensign Hale is now understandable again.
HALE
And without knowing that, you could die.
A man in the crowd raises his hand.
HALE
Yes?
He's answered by a man who is also speaking auctioneer-talk.
HALE
(answering)
No.
NELSON
Any other questions?
Nobody says anything.
NELSON
Then that ends our lifeboat orientation session.
EXT. - POOL AREA - DAY
Ron the bartender is serving drinks to a man poolside. A great looking girl with a fabulous build walks by the two men. They both do a take.
As the girl walks by we see that she also has two tits on her back.
CORRIDOR
We see a sign hanging perpendicular to the wall. The sign reads:
SHIP'S DOCTOR
HARRY BOYLE
INT. MEDICAL ROOM
The doctor is examining a man who is lying on a table.
DOCTOR
It isn't quite as bad as you thought, but I think I have discovered the cause of your discomfort.
PATIENT
What is it, Doc?
The Doctor pulls out a huge King Crab. He holds it up.
DOCTOR
You've got the crabs.
Nurse Sally sticks her head in through the doorway. The Doctor is still holding up the crab.
NURSE
Do you need me, Doctor?
DOCTOR
Yes, call the chef.
SPEAKER ON DECK
Pull back and we see people by the pool playing ping pong and shuffleboard.
ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
This is the ship news bulletin. Everyone with an initial on their hat is invited to the Captain's cabin for a free drink at three P.M. At noon there will be a sea sick nausea toss for distance. Would Lord and Lady Framington please return to your cabin. Your porthole has developed an inflamed rash.
DECK AREA - DAY
Sexy looking girl in a bikini is rubbing sun tan lotion on herself. Next to her is a doberman pincher. As she does some sun tan lotion on herself, she then puts lotion on the dog.
ANGLE - DECK AREA
Another beautiful girl in a bikini is basking with her sunglasses raised up into her hair. The camera pans in on her head. She removes her glasses and we see that under the sunglasses there are two real eyes.
DECK AREA - NURSE
The camera pans to the Nurse on a break, relaxing near the pool area in a swim suit. Tom the Executive Officer comes over and sits down next to her. He seems somewhat fidgety.
TOM
Hi, honey. I only have a second.
(kisses her)
I told them I was checking the engine room.
SALLY
That's all you ever have is a second. Here comes Ron with the drink I ordered for you. It's real special.
Ron comes over with a huge drink shaped like a big Hawaiian hat.
RON
Hi, Tom. I made this special for you, buddy.
He puts the hat on Tom's head, sets the drink on top with a tube on it. He sticks the tube in Tom's mouth.
RON
Draw in, pal.
TOM
I'm on duty.
(gives in)
Oh, alright.
He sucks on the tube. The drink goes down in the glass on his head. Two umbrellas unfold and fly up on top of the hat.
ANGLE
We see the Captain looking down at Tom.
CAPTAIN'S POV
We see Tom sitting there with his hat and the umbrellas flared up.
NELSON
I see you have a drink on your hat. I suppose you have some hors d' oeuvres in your shirt.
Sally tries to lighten things up.
SALLY
And he has a steak dinner in his pants.
She laughs. She then realizes this was a boner line, and she does an "Oh, well. I screwed up" take.
DECK - DOCTOR
The Doctor is walking along the deck in extrovert fashion. He sees a fat man wearing only a pair of swimming trunks and sunglasses, and reading a magazine.
DOCTOR
Mr. McLean, you be careful in this hot sun. A man like you shouldn't be out in the sun too long.
McLEAN
Thanks but don't worry about it, Doc.
NANCY
The cruise director is now conducting painting lessons. We see her with an 8-year-old boy. About 8 feet away is a blank canvas screen. A board full of paint is on the side.
NANCY
Now Terry, this is the easiest form of painting there is.
TERRY
Aw, I'm no good at anything.
NANCY
Nonsense. What you do is throw a glob of paint at the canvas. Your hands and fingers will express your creativity as you hurl the paint. It has been done in Greenwich Village for years. Just hurl the paint and see what creativity shows up.
TERRY
Okay.
He takes a large glob of paint in his hands and hurls it at the canvas like a baseball pitcher. As the paints hits we see that Terry has thrown the "Mona Lisa" against the canvas.
NANCY
You have great potential.
PRINCE CHARLES
Riding along the deck hitting a polo ball, practicing up. He comes to a halt next to the pool. There are some young men in the pool. One of them calls out.
YOUNG MAN
How about joining us in a game of water polo, Prince?
PRINCE
Jolly good idea.
The horse and the Prince dive into the pool.
DOCTOR
walking along the deck doing a little two step. He comes upon the check chair where he had warned the fat man about the sun. He looks.
DECK CHAIR
It's a pool of liquid melted rendered lard. We see the fat man's hair in place, his sunglasses, his magazine, and his swim suit.
EXT. - BARBER SHOP
The camera moves past the red-and-white striped barber pole into the barber shop. The sign on the wall says, "Al's Exotic Barber Shop." A male customer is in the chair.
BARBER
Well, Mr. Curtiss, what'll it be?
CURTISS
The usual. The piranha fish trim.
BARBER
You mean the piranha fish Amazon cut.
CURTISS
Right.
The Barber takes Curtiss' head and dips it in an aquarium tank, as though it's a rinse sink.
BARBER
Here we go.
He submerges the man's head into the fish tank. We hear gnarling noises. We see lots of swirling in the water. The man's head comes back to the surface. We see that the piranhas have stripped all but three clumps of hair on an otherwise bald head. The Barber holds up the mirror in typical fashion for the man to look at.
BARBER
How's it look?
The man looks at his head, a mangled Mohawk with clumps of hair and bald spots in between.
CURTISS
Perfect.
SHIP'S STERN
Tom the Executive Officer and Nurse Sally are embracing.
TOM
The trip's going fine, honey. It won't be long now.
SALLY
I love you darling. And I love your hat.
An agonizing woman's cry comes from a nearby gangway. Tom and Sally run down the stairway to the cabin hallway. A man in his middle 50s is lying on the floor. His elderly wife is kneeling next to him.
WIFE
He drank himself to death.
SALLY
I know mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
WIFE
(anguish)
He drank himself into oblivion.
Tom watches as Sally tries to revive the man. Sally sits up straight. She's now drunk from the victim's breath. She stands and staggers away.
PROMENADE DECK - DAY
A very dignified older British couple is walking out on the deck. She is dressed elegantly, especially for daytime. The gentleman is in a silk bathrobe. He has Union Jack swim trunks underneath the robe. They are the Duke and Duchess of Naselhorn.
DUCHESS
Dear, I think I'll try a little shopping. I need some new caviar gloves.
DUKE
Very well, dear. I think I'll take a little dip.
They kiss and the Duchess walks on. The camera stays on the Duke as he starts ascending the stairs. He keeps walking up until he reaches the top deck. He walks to the base of the smokestack. There's a ladder on the outside of it. The Duke starts climbing up the ladder. From the base of the smokestack we see him reach the top and appear to fall into the smokestack.
TOP OF THE SMOKESTACK
We see that it is a hot tub. Several people are seated in the tub with the jacuzzi swirling around their bodies. The Duke disrobes and sits next to another dignified gentleman with a dignified moustache. He's the Earl of Fleckington.
DUKE
How do you do. I'm the Duke of Naselhorn.
EARL
Pleased to meet you. I'm the Earl of Fleckington.
They shake hands. The Earl reaches behind him. On the deck he has his towel. He picks up a metal straw and a mirror that has lines of cocaine on it. He offers it to the Duke.
EARL
Care for a toot, Duke?
DUKE
No thanks, I'm on heroin.
The Earl lays the mirror and straw on the deck momentarily. He picks up a tiny cash register with an attachment that allows him to rest it on the bridge of his nose. There are numbers on it like the numbers on a gas pump. With it on his nose, he again reaches for the mirror and the straw. The Duke points to the device.
DUKE
What on Earth is that?
EARL
That's my Snort-a-meter.
The Earl snorts a half a line with the straw. We hear cash register noises ala ringing up items in a store. When he lifts up the straw, a cash register bell rings. The finger on the nose meter reads $25. The Earl continues to snort the rest of the line and another huge line. All the time we hear the meter registering the total of how much he is snorting in dollars. He finishes. The cash register bell rings. The pointer on the Snort-a-meter reads $297.34.
DUKE
Snort two more flakes and you'll make it an even $300.
DECK - DAY
The scene as we see it develop is a combination funeral/burial at sea (of the drunk in the earlier scene), and also a wedding. On the deck side we see the funeral scene, ala Neptune Society burials. The coffin is ready to slide overboard. Everybody on this side is dressed in black. On the other side is the wedding scene. Everyone in the wedding is in white. The camera pans over the scene, then focuses in on a woman in the middle. She is wife of the dead man. We gather that's her husband about to be buried at sea. The widow is in the middle of the two scenes. We discover that she has an outfit that's all black on the side where she is taking part in the funeral, and all white on the side where she is the widow bride being remarried at the same time.
LONG SHOT
We see the funeral going on on the rail deck side. The corpse is under a flag on a slanted board, ready to be slid into the sea. Captain Nelson is incanting various phrases from the Bible, but they are not all understandable. We hear, "In the valley of death," "dust to dust," and droning in between. The widow is in the middle. She lifts a black handkerchief to her one eye in mourning. Then, she turns to the wedding. We see a minister, a best man and a matron of honor, and guests. An accordion player is standing by.
MEDIUM SHOT
of the Captain and the grieving side of the widow.
NELSON
We extend to you our sincere condolences on the passing of your husband.
WOMAN
(sad widow)
Thank you.
The camera pans slowly as the widow turns and becomes the bride.
MINISTER
I now pronounce you man and wife.
The groom kisses the Woman. Everyone throws rice. It's an unbelievable amount of rice, almost knocking the bride over, stinging her face. Festive accordion music starts.
FUNERAL SERVICES
They are coming to an end.
NELSON
And so from the great deep to the great deep, we go in the passing of the bar.
Rice lands on the flag-covered corpse. Festive music is heard as the wedding gets loud. The body slides overboard. Taps is played. Everyone salutes. The Captain turns and walks away brushing rice off his uniform.
BODY
Hurling into sea. We see a splash and the corpse sinks under the surface of the water.
CLOSE-UP - WATER
The supposed corpse of the drunk comes to life. He was not dead after all. He waves up to the ship.
DECK SIDE
A Sailor is amazed as he looks at the lively corpse.
SAILOR 1
Mrs. Jones! He's alive. You husband is alive!
ANOTHER ANGLE
We see the quick bride Mrs. Jones with a glass of champagne in her hand, as she walks from the wedding toward the ship rail to look overboard.
MRS. JONES
That son-of-a-bitch wasn't dead? He must have been in a drunken coma.
She looks overboard.
SAILOR 1
The cold water must have revived him.
MRS. JONES POV
Her old husband is waving from the water.
MR. JONES
(hollering)
Give me a drink.
MRS. JONES
You got it.
She throws her champagne glass over.
ANOTHER ANGLE - DECK
Mrs. Jones pulls a jewel off her necklace and hands it to the Sailor.
MRS. JONES
Don't say a word, sailor. Full steam ahead.
The Sailor takes the necklace, smiles, and tips his hat. Mrs. Jones runs back to the wedding area about 15 yards away where her new groom lifts her and hugs her. He sets her down, notices the black half of her dress.
GROOM
(laughing)
Hey, what's this?
He tears that side of her dress off. We see half of her undergarments. He grabs her and dances her happily into the festivities.
EXT. - DECK RAIL - NIGHT
Executive Officer Tom Armstrong and his sweetheart Nurse Sally are strolling romantically along the deck. There are many lights along the deck, but it is a dark and slightly misty night.
SALLY
I'm sure glad we got a chance to get together tonight, honey. After we get to New York tomorrow, I'll be lucky to see you on the trip back.
Tom jumps step so he's walking in step with Sally.
TOM
Yeah, you sweet bunny pie.
Sally looks down at his walking in step.
SALLY
What are you doing?
TOM
I'm walking in step with you so people will only think there's one of us.
SALLY
Give me a kiss you goofball.
They stop and kiss.
SALLY
Do you think it will be dangerous?
TOM
What?
SALLY
In New York we're taking on almost every head of state and VIP in the world for the coronation.
TOM
So?
SALLY
Anything could happen. Abe Lincoln was all by himself.
TOM
We've got security. And besides, you have me to protect you.
He salutes and purposely misses his head as a joke. Sally laughs.
SALLY
Honey, let's have some fun in New York. A handsome cab ride, a candlelight porno movie…What do you say?
She pecks a kiss excitedly on his cheek.
TOM
I'm sorry, bunny. I'm assigned to the Prince when he speaks at the United Nations tomorrow.
She gives an exasperated sigh and storms over to one of those vents that curve up and lead down below. She's disappointed, but we know she's joking.
SALLY
(into vent) Attention engine room. This is Nurse Sally. Be ready. When the Prince and my boyfriend leave the ship tomorrow, I'll be down. I'll show you "full steam ahead."
ANOTHER ANGLE
On Sally in the foreground and Tom in the middle background shrugging.
TOM
After this smooth voyage is over I'll make it up to you.
They move together and walk slowly along the deck. The camera pulls back. We hear the theme music.
EXT. BOAT - IN A THICK FOG - ESTABLISHING
INT. BRIDGE - DAY
It's filled with thick fog. The atmosphere is tense. The Captain is looking through binoculars.
NELSON
Steady. Three knots.
The Captain lays the binoculars on his chest. They have a neck strap so they stay there.
NELSON
Never seen New York this bad.
RADAR SCREEN
RADAR MAN
Sir, we're almost through it.
EXT. - BOW OF SHIP
A Blind Man is walking through the thick fog on the deck with a white cane. He's depressed.
BLIND MAN
(to himself)
I really thought I had a chance. I guess women just don't like blind guys. Every girl I meet.
(shakes head)
I thought I could score. Sure I was fresh. But how could I know how they look without feeling them?
He stops at the rail and looks skyward.
BLIND MAN
Some day just once I'd like to meet a woman who understands me. Someone who cares. Someone who's real. Lord, I'm lonely.
EXT. SHIP
We see the ship cutting through the thick fog. The smokestacks are above the fog level. We see the head of the Statue of Liberty also above the fog. The ship collides with the Statue and keeps going as if nothing happened.
BOW OF SHIP
The head of the Statue falls next to the Blind Man.
BRIDGE
The Captain is standing next to Tom Armstrong.
NELSON
Did you hear something?
Tom looks over the Radar Man's shoulder.
TOM
Nothing, sir. We're almost out of this soup.
BOW OF SHIP
The Blind Man is feeling the head of the Statue of Liberty. As he feels he starts smiling.
BLIND MAN
What's your sign, baby?
Silence, he smiles to himself.
BLIND MAN
Good. She's shy. Boy, I've never felt a head like that.
EXT. - LONG SHOT - SHIP
The ship suddenly breaks out of the fog and into the clear. We see the New York Harbor and the Manhattan skyline.
THE BRIDGE
The Captain is looking through his binoculars at New York. He's realized that they're out of the fog.
NELSON
New York City.
He smiles.
TOM
We made it, and without any trouble.
AERIAL VIEW
Of the Queen Mary docking. Theme music plays.
DOCK
The board ramp moves toward the ship.
INT. SHIP
Captain and crew are saying goodbye to the passengers as they walk down the ramp. Tom spots an old lady that we saw at the Captain's table. She's hesitating to walk down the ramp. Tom walks up to her.
TOM
Mrs. Tinsley. Aren't you going ashore to visit New York?
MRS. TINSLEY
Oh, no. I've heard so many dreadful stories about this city. I'm scared to venture out.
TOM
Oh, Mrs. Tinsley. Don't believe those stories. Everyone thinks New York is unsafe. It really isn't. They've cleaned up all those problems.
MRS. TINSLEY
They have?
TOM
Sure. The crime rate is lower than most big cities. It's a great, fun City .
MRS. TINSLEY
Really?
TOM
Of course. Come on.
He takes her arm and starts walking her to the ramp.
TOM
Get out there and enjoy the Big Apple.
MRS. TINSLEY
You're right, Mr. Armstrong. I shouldn't be afraid.
She starts walking down the ramp. Tom remains.
TOM
Have a nice day.
MRS. TINSLEY
Thanks. I will.
Mrs. Tinsley walks down the ramp to the crowded dock. People are greeting relatives and waving at the passengers as they walk off. A smiling Mrs. Tinsley walks into the crowd.
In quick succession, a mugger comes up to her and rips off her diamond necklace. Another mugger comes up to her and pulls the diamond bracelets off her arms. Another mugger comes up and pulls all the rings off her fingers. Another snatches her purse.
She is completely shocked by all this. A flasher walks up to her and displays his goodies. A skid row rag picker walks up and asks for her false teeth. She pulls them out, hands them to him, and he puts them in his previously toothless mouth.
Finally, a teenage gang picks her up in the air. They pass her over their heads from member to member. The crowd ignores what is happening. Some of them enjoy it.
BROADWAY
A ticker take parade for the royal couple is in progress. A cheering crowd is behind barricades on the street. Ticker tape is flying out the windows. The open-air limo with the Prince and the Princess passes. Mayor Koch is sitting next to them. The Prince and Princess are waving to the crowd.
INT. LIMO
The Prince turns to the Mayor.
PRINCE
This is magnificent, Mayor. All this ticker tape for me.
MAYOR
Your Highness.
(taps his hand)
For you we've got more than just plain ticker tape.
ANGLE
The showering of ticker tape stops. Suddenly ticker tape machines start landing close to the passing limo. The Prince and Princess keep waving as if nothing is happening. One ticker tape machine bounces off the hood. They keep waving.
Ext. OFFICE BUILDING
We see people at the windows throwing ticker tape machines down on the royal limo. Most just miss the car, landing in the street.
LIMOUSINE
PRINCE
(still waving)
Pardon me, Mayor. But what happened to the ticker tape?
MAYOR
Your Highness, Prince, Sir. I told you, for you we got better than ticker tape. They're throwing ticker tape machines.
PRINCE
Oh.
MAYOR
No one in New York history has had the honor of a real ticker tape parade before.
PRINCE
(still waving)
Well, thank you.
MAYOR
You're welcome. Besides, it's easier to clean up.
The machines keep bouncing around them.
INT. - UNITED NATIONS BUILDING - GENERAL ASSEMBLY
Every representative from every country is seated. Kurt Waldheim, Secretary General, is standing at the podium. He is trying to bring the Assembly to order.
PODIUM
WALDHEIM
Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Please come to order.
The Assembly starts quieting down.
WALDHEIM
Come to order, please.
The Assembly becomes quiet. Suddenly, an African tribal spear hits Kurt in the shoulder. Kurt struggles to pull it out.
WALDHEIM
The chair …
(faltering)
… recognizes the Ambassador from Zawahali.
Waldheim pulls the spear out. He's alright. As a matter of fact he's used to this.
AMBASSADOR FROM ZAWAHALI
Dressed in his native garb.
AMBASSADOR
Mr. Secretary, I've changed my vote to "yes."
PODIUM
Waldheim is holding the hole in his suit.
WALDHEIM
Thank you, Mr Ambassador. That makes it unanimous.
Int. TELEVISION BOOTH
Commentator Richard C. Hotlette is reporting. Behind him is the General Assembly.
HOTLETTE
(to camera)
Well, the Prince should be arriving shortly. There was a rumor that he might not have addressed the assembly due to a possible strike by the UN interpreters, however, the interpreters can not strike. They have promised, though, that they will take some action to protect their grievances. Just what that action might be, I don't know.
He turns and looks toward the General Assembly.
HOTLETTE
Well, let's return to the floor. I think the Secretary General is about to introduce the Prince.
PODIUM
WALDHEIM
Ladies and Gentlemen. Delegates. Would you please give a worldly welcome to the future King of Great Britain, Prince Charles.
The Prince enters from the side as the Assembly applauds.
ASSEMBLY FLOOR
The camera pans the various ambassadors. The guy sitting in front of the Norway sign is an Arab in full dress. There's an African in a dashiki sitting in front of the Japan sign. The Polish Ambassador is trying to clap. His hands keep missing.
PODIUM
Prince Charles acknowledges the applause. It quiets.
PRINCE
Mr. Secretary, fellow members of the world. I can not tell you what an honor it is to stand before you and show you that I can stand before you in honor, my fellow earthlings. After all, this is the chamber from which the entire world has an opportunity to…
Throughout the UN scene, we keep hearing the Prince's speech.
IRISH AMBASSADOR
He's drinking a beer. There are four empties on his desk.
THE SWISS AMBASSADOR
There are holes in his sign, like Swiss cheese.
THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR
He has two toy tanks. He's playing war games on his table with the two tanks like a kid.
PODIUM - PRINCE
PRINCE
We have got to stick together as a world. We must never forget that we are all people. And people can live together.
Around the room, ambassadors from various countries are listening to interpretations of the Prince's speech through headphones.
The ambassador from China (he has the suit to prove it) hears:
INTERPRETER (v.o.)
You Chinks suck. All you know about is laundry. If you'd only open your eyes, but you can't because they're slanted.
The Polish ambassador has his earphones on so that one phone is over his nose and the other is behind his head.
The ambassador from Chad, with strongly African features, hears:
INTERPRETER (v.o.)
Nigger. You have big lips. All you know is how to run fast. You know why all negroes are fast? The slow ones are in jail because they couldn't outrun the fuzz.
While the Prince continues to talk, we see a man in a flak suit walk up behind the him. He's carrying a ladder. No one pays any attention. He sets the ladder up against the wall. He climbs to the top of the ladder, and in the middle of the large modern clock on the wall there is what is obviously a home-made bomb. He opens his tool kit and takes out instruments to defuse the bomb.
PRINCE
We can only learn from our brotherhood and sisterhood that we as a planet can only survive if we reach out and work together not as nationalities, not as countries, not as blocks, but as people.
The bomb suddenly goes off, blowing the bomb squad member over the Prince and into the crowd. No one notices. There's a big hole in the wall behind the Prince. The Prince is fine. So is the bomb expert.
PRINCE
(as though nothing happened)
Let's learn to live together. We can. We must. We will.
The Assembly breaks out in a standing ovation. The Prince acknowledges it.
LIMOUSINE
The Prince and Princess are sitting in the back seat with their advance man. From the rear projection we can see that they are speeding down Park Avenue. The Advance Man consults his clipboard.
ADVANCE MAN
Now, this commercial should only take two hours at the most.
PRINCE
I don't know. I've never done anything like this. Frankly, I'm a little scared.
ADVANCEMAN
Don't worry. Just act normal. Prince-like. Relax. The director knows Regal.
COMMERCIAL STUDIO
There are lights and cameras all around. We see a palace wall set: Buckingham palace guards, Beefeaters, British flags. A royal carriage is in the foreground. The Prince and Princess are sitting at the side of the set looking at scripts, dressed as King and Queen. A hot shot director is pacing in front of them as he talks.
DIRECTOR
Okay. I think we're ready to shoot the commercial on camera.
PRINCE
I sure hope I can do it right.
PRINCESS
You'll be fine.
DIRECTOR
Of course you can. Remember, it's for tourism in England. It means a lot.
PRINCE
I'll try.
DIRECTOR
(shouting)
Okay, places everybody.
The Prince and Princess as King and Queen go into the set. Buckingham Palace guards take up positions by the wall. Beefeaters stand near the carriage. Some tourish types stand on the sidelines, waving British flags. There is a cannon in the yard. The Prince and Princess are in the center.
DIRECTOR
This could be a disaster.
DIRECTOR
Ready everybody.
VOICE (o.s.)
Quiet.
Identifying Sticks boy comes out.
STICKS
Come to Jolly England commercial, take one.
He snaps the sticks and hurries off camera.
VOICE (o.s.)
Sound. Speed.
DIRECTOR
Action.
Rule Britannia strikes up. A chorus of Beefeaters sings in unison.
BEEFEATERS
(to Rule Britannia)
Come to England and see the King get crowned.
The Princess (as Queen) hits the Prince (as King) over the head with a rubber mallet. The music changes to the Doctor Pepper song.
PRINCE
(singing throughout)
I'm going to be the King don't you see.
The Prince begins to move around the set in great Doctor Pepper type dance moves. The Princess moves with him, but he's making the great swirls and rhythmic steps.
PRINCESS
(to "Be A Pepper")
He's going to have some babies just with me.
They whirl past a Buckingham guard. Each tweaks a guard's cheek.
PRINCE
(points at camera)
You be a King.
PRINCESS
Be a Queen.
PRINCE
Come and see the changing of the guard. See lots of fireworks while you get drunk.
The Prince is making great twisting moves. Looking through the carriage window and doing the jump steps. The Princess points to a coronation poster.
PRINCESS
You see this you'll think our wedding really stunk.
PRINCE
(sings fast)
Be a King.
PRINCESS
Be a Queen.
PRINCE
Be a Prince.
PRINCESS
Be a Princess.
EVERYBODY
Come see us and join the bard.
Shakespeare dances on and dances in between them. They do an ensemble big finish which includes some tap steps. The Prince, the klutz before, has been perfect in this.
The Director stands on the sidelines with his mouth open in disbelief.
The theme ends, everyone is on one knee, arms extended. The cannon fires and smoke billows out.
DIRECTOR
Cut. That's a print, Prince
Everyone applauds. The Prince falls over the cannon.
EXT. - VARIOUS DOCKSIDE SCENES
A marching type band is playing on the deck. Sightseers are there to gawk at the fantastic gala series of celebrities and heads of state. A combination customs and security set of tables is on the dock at the foot of the gang plank. Photographers are popping away with their flashes. There is an enormous hubbub.
We see limousines and security guards as the most spectacular assemblage of the world's important famous people ever brought together. Up to the boarding gangway come President and Nancy Reagan. They go by customs and head up the gangplank. As they walk up, Nancy points at Ronald's hair and laughs. Then she grabs her teeth and points at Ronald's mouth and feigns pulling teeth out and laughs.
Tom Armstrong and Sally are standing at the deck rail, watching the VIPs board.
TOM
Can you believe the people who will be our passengers?
SALLY
Nancy Reagan looks kind of giddy there.
Bo Derek is at customs. The customs man opens her suitcase. There's nothing in it but one bikini bottom.
CUSTOMS INSPECTOR
Is this all you're taking to the coronation, Miss Derek?
BO
That's all I'll need.
Erik Estrada goes through customs. The metal detector starts buzzing. We do not hear the discussion over the din of the crowd. Erik drops his pants. The crowd moves in front to cover Erik's lower half.
The Inspector holds up a totally metal jock strap with two cannon balls in the scrotum area.
Anita Bryant comes through customs. She calls for a ship's porter.
ANITA
Porter, could you take my bags, please.
PORTER
(sissy accent)
My pleasure, Miss Bryant.
ANITA
Oh, no. I don't want you to take my bags.
PORTER
(Fey)
Oh, yea?
He goes to pick up the bags anyway.
ANITA
No you don't.
She starts slamming the Porter with her purse. The Porter also has a purse and starts slamming Anita with his. There is a wild swinging of purses.
Tom turns to Sally.
TOM
Look at that. Yassir Arafat, the Prime Minister of Japan, the heads of Australia, Canada, South American leaders, all the stars from every field.
SALLY
It's scary.
CUSTOMS - STEVE GARVEY
A little boy comes up to Steve and hands him a baseball.
LITTLE BOY
Would you autograph my baseball, Mr. Garvey, please.
GARVEY
(smiles)
Sure, son.
Garvey signs the ball and hands it back to the boy. The boy looks at the ball and reads the autograph.
BOY
Wait a minute. You're not Cindy Garvey.
Garvey grabs the ball from the kid and hurls it against the ship and it falls into the water.
GARVEY
Screw you.
Garvey goes aboard. The kid runs off hollering for his mommy.
We see the San Diego Chicken and other sports mascots. We see a man with rainbow hair.
Jimmy Carter and wife Roselyn walk up the gangplank waving and throwing peanuts.
CUSTOMS - JERRY BROWN
INSPECTOR
Governor Brown, you've had some bug problems in the past in California with the Mediterranean fruit fly.
BROWN
Yes, we had bug problems but it's cleared up.
INSPECTOR
We're not taking any chances.
He takes a big sprayer (fire extinguisher) and sprays Brown all over. The spray is visible like fire extinguisher fog.
CUSTOMS - ALLEN, GRIFFIN, ALDA, ASNER
Security guards are holding back Marty Allen, Merv Griffin, Alan Alda and Ed Asner.
SECURITY GUARD
You people are not famous enough to come on this voyage.
ASNER
(furious)
What are you talking about?
GUARD
Well, you're a border line one, Asner. But you have to wear a cleaner shirt.
Sally points to the crowd.
SALLY
Look, there's ex-president Gerald Ford.
Gerald Ford is walking up the gangway smiling and waving. He turns, waves, and falls off the gangway into the water.
Orson Welles, Lucien Pavorotti (the big opera star), the big Doctor (Pat McCormick), Burl Ives and some unknown fat men happen to be on the gangplank at the same time. We see the gangway start to split and creak. Lines and ropes show stress.
Elizabeth Taylor is next to ten pieces of her luggage. She has just gone through customs. She's in a hurry because the boat is about to sail. She is near the entrance of the gangplank.
ELIZABETH
(nervously)
Oh, where are those Red Caps. They said they'd be right here.
There is a Purser standing her to her with a clipboard.
PURSER
Go right aboard, Miss Taylor. I'll take care of your luggage.
ELIZABETH
Thank you.
Elizabeth walks up the gangplank.
PURSER
(yells)
Red Cap! Red Cap! Over here!
Three apes in Red Cap suits come walking up to the bags.
PURSER
Put these on the ship, boys.
He turns and walks up the gangplank. The apes grab the bags, slam them to the ground, jump on them, hurl some of them against the ship's waterline, and kick them off the dock.
ELIZABETH TAYLOR - ON DECK
She is waving to the people on the dock. She's standing next to Bo Derek.
ELIZABETH TAYLOR'S POV
Looking down at the dock. The gorillas are doing their number on Elizabeth's luggage.
ELIZABETH
She sees them. She's shocked.
ELIZABETH
Oh, my God! My bags! Put them down! My clothes! Those are my clothes!
DOCK
The gorillas are now trying on her gowns.
TWO SHOT - ELIZABETH AND BO
Bo is hugging Liz, trying to console her. Liz is crying.
LIZ
(sobbing)
All my dresses … ruined!
BO
Don't worry, Liz. I'll loan you some of my clothes.
APES ON THE DOCK
All the apes are in Liz's clothes. They're dancing around the broken up luggage.
BRIDGE WHEELHOUSE
Captain Nelson, the Helmsman, navigator and two of his officers are busy bustling about preparing to shove off out to sea. Captain Nelson speaks into the intercom.
NELSON
Engine room, stand by to shove off. Slow speed.
(to Helmsman)
Helmsman, stand by.
BATES
Aye aye, sir.
NELSON
Hoist the anchor.
SHIP'S STERN AT WATER LEVEL
We see and hear the chain and the anchor being pulled out of the water.
MEDIUM ANGLE
of the anchor being hoisted. We follow it up the back of the stern. When it reaches the top deck level we see that it is being pulled by Sammy Davis Jr. It is around his neck like one of his pieces of jewelry. It hangs down in front of him as he turns and walks off.
LONG SHOT - STERN
as the ship starts to pull away from the dock.
OVERHEAD SHOT
We see a motorized wheel chair speeding along the dock toward the departing ship.
CLOSE-UP - WHEELCHAIR
It is Burt Reynolds in the chair. He is speeding along hellbent-for-leather. SOUND: Ship's horn.
POV SHIP'S STERN
Reynolds in the wheelchair flies up a ramp on the dock and into the air.
OTHER ANGLES - WHEELCHAIR
Showing it in the air, then landing on the ship's deck. When the chair stops, Reynolds cavalierly gets up and walks away.
POV SHIP'S STERN
A man is walking very fast on the water toward the slowly moving boat. (Possible undercrank.)
CLOSE-UP - ON MAN
walking on the water. It is Billy Graham.
GRAHAM
Wait for me!
LONG SHOT - GRAHAM
More undercrank fast water walking. He gets to ship and grabs a line.
BRIDGE
Captain Nelson and Tom are in the wheelhouse. They are looking straight ahead. SOUND: We hear a little toot toot boat sound. Tom looks over to the side.
TOM
Our tugboat is alongside port side, sir.
The Captain looks over to his left.
POV CAPTAIN AND TOM
We see (on rear screen) a huge tugboat. A giant tugboat out the wheelhouse window. We just see portions of the tugboat side as it is rather close.
HIGH SHOT - MODEL SHIPS
The huge tugboat is bigger than the Queen Mary, still performing its tugboat role guiding the Queen Mary out of the harbor.
BRIDGE - CAPTAIN AND TOM
There is a helmsman there, and the navigator is in the corner at his drafting board.
TOM
The tugboat is leaving us now, sir.
The Queen Mary sounds her horn. We hear the tugboat's little toot. Tom and the Captain look to side, waving and smiling. They continue waving.
POV FRONT OF WHEELHOUSE - CAPTAIN AND TOM
Tom looks forward, towards the camera, after waving. He and the Captain have been looking to the side.
TOM
Captain! I think we're heading for a reef on the starboard side!
NELSON
(shouting) Port hard! Port! Port I say. Did you hear me?
ANGLE
A Waiter enters with an open bottle of Port wine. The bottle is clearly labelled "Port Wine." He hurries to the Captain.
WAITER
Here's your Port Wine, sir.
The Captain grabs the bottle.
NELSON
Thank God.
He takes a swig.
PURSER'S COUNTER
We see a counter like that in a bank, with a section that flips up to admit people. Behind the window there is the vault. The sign on the counter reads, "PURSER. CHECK YOUR VALUABLES." VIPs are coming up and checking the valuable gifts they are bringing to the coronation. The vault door is open. There are heavily armed guards flanking the vault. There is an attendant who takes the gifts to the vault. Egyptian leader Anwar Sadat
sets a magnificent looking four foot ornamented vase on the counter. There is a price tag on the vase reading $850,000.
PURSER
Yes, Mr. Sadat. You wish to put your coronation present in the vault.
SADAT
Yes.
The Purser writes on a registration card.
PURSER
The gift is….
SADAT
(interrupting)
King Tut's specimen jar.
The attendant takes the jar into the vault.
PURSER
Of course, and the address of course is Cairo. Thank you.
He hands Sadat the receipt card. Alex Haley, "Roots" author, comes up. There is a tall black man in a loincloth with him.
HALEY
Alex Haley. I'd like to check my coronation present in the vault. I'm giving this gift negro.
The Purser looks amazed. He lifts the flip-up counter. The Black man enters. The attendant leads him into the vault. The Purser signs the receipt and hands it to Haley.
PURSER
Thank you, Mr. Haley.
Haley leaves. Up comes Lech Walesa, the head of the Polish Solidarity Union.
PURSER
Greetings, Mr. Walesa. I have a message that your union cabled you from Warsaw.
WALESA
Thank you.
He pulls up a small bag that says POLISH SOLIDARITY UNION on the side. He unzips the bag, and pulls out a solid gold pair of bowling shoes.
WALESA
Solid gold bowling shoes for soon-to-be Queen Dianna.
PURSER
Marvelous.
He hands Walesa a receipt. Walesa leaves. Johnny Carson comes up. He hands the Purser a certificate.
JOHNNY
Johnny Carson. I'd like to put this coronation gift in the vault.
PURSER
Yes, Mr. Carson. May I put down what the gift is?
JOHNNY
A year's subscription to TV Guide. I want to keep my name alive in England.
HALLWAY
A ship's Porter is leading Rodney Dangerfield to his room. He opens the door. Rodney still remains in the hallway.
RODNEY
What am I doing way down on this deck. What is this, penance?
POV RODNEY - LOOKING INTO ROOM
The ship's Porter is standing there. There are all kinds of pieces of notched wood in various sizes in the room.
PORTER
You have to put this furniture for the room together yourself, Mr. Dangerfield. It saves you money.
RODNEY
I absolutely get no respect.
SHIP'S BAR
Ron the bartender is at the bar mixing some drink. The bar is empty. Nancy comes up.
RON
Hi, honey.
NANCY
Hi sweet pants.
RON
How'd you do in New York with that agency? Did they find out who your real parents are? Are you royalty?
NANCY
(excited)
They've had luck in tracing them. They're just on the verge of being able to tell me they're going to cable me in the next day or two with the information.
Ron climbs up, and leans over the bar and gives her a kiss.
RON
That's great.
NANCY
I love you.
RON
Let's celebrate with my new drink… A Picasso.
He brings up two white fizzy drinks. They hold the drinks up.
RON
A Picasso --- you drink this and you wake up hung over…a fireplace.
DECK - DAY
A few early birds are already at poolside.
ANGLE
We see a large Orson Welles proceed to the diving board.
ANGLE ON ORSON
He runs out on the board, bounces, and the board snaps and breaks. He plunges, falling into the water. The water in the entire pool is displaced.
ANGLES
Showing the water flying up and washing out of the pool. We see water washing out here without seeing Orson.
BOTTOM OF THE POOL
We see Orson lying face down in an empty pool. He gets up, shakes himself back into shape. The camera pulls back. We see children and people are running and screaming from the pool. Orson walks in dignity to the pool steps.
HALLWAY - ZSA ZSA GABOR
is letting herself into her cabin. Just before she enters, Karl Malden runs up, grabs her purse, and shoves her into the cabin. Zsa Zsa screams and disappears into the cabin. Karl runs a few feet toward the camera, stops, opens the purse, smiles and pulls out an American Express card. He holds it up.
KARL
American Express, don't rob anyone who's going home without them.
EXT. - DAY - BOW OF SHIP
Close-up on Richard Nixon,looking grimly ahead. He is wearing his typical blue suit and a tie. He is being drenched by a rain storm blowing on him. The camera pulls back. We see that it is a shaft of rain hitting Nixon. It is sunshine all around elsewhere. He turns and walks aft, the shaft of rain following him. It hits only him as he passes people sunning, playing catch and doing other deck activities. No one pays any attention to Nixon.
Nixon is getting drenched. The music strikes up a dragging, dreary version of "Singing in the Rain," sounding like a 45 rpm record being played at 33-1/3. Nixon starts to sing along drearily.
NIXON
(off key)
Singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain. What a wonderful feeling, singing in the rain …
We see him attempt to do a couple of dance steps, but they're awkward and he almost falls.
EXT. CABIN DOOR
The Doctor is rapping on the door. With him are two large attendants. The door opens. It is Castro's cabin.
DOCTOR
We'd like to speak to you, Presidente Castro.
Castro waves them in.
ANGLES AROUND THE ROOM
We see chickens running around the room, a couple of scrawny dogs, a mule, flies, and food all over the floor, mingled with the chicken feathers.
CASTRO
What can I do for you?
DOCTOR
We have reports on your cabin. My nose just gave me one, too. I am condemning it.
(to attendants)
Take him away.
CASTRO
Wait a minute, swine!
The attendants on either side of Castro hustle him out of the cabin with the Doctor following.
The attendants take Castro and throw him overboard.
DECK - PRINCE CHARLES
Is preparing to ride on a fox hunt, along with some of the Britishers we saw in the trip from England. They are all on horseback. Also ready to join the hunt, mounted up, are Jack Nicholson, Charles Manson, Willie Shoemacher, Walter Cronkite and John Belushi. The Prince raises his hand.
PRINCE
(loudly)
Let the fox hunt begin. Release the fox!
The fox is released and runs off. The hounds start to give chase.
BELUSHI
Tally ho!
SERIES OF SHOTS
Of the fox hunt taking place on the deck of the ship, as VIPs scurry out of the way. As the wild fox hunt ensues, we
EXT. - DAY - STERN PROMENADE DECK
We see the Pope pointing a hand gun. He fires three shots. The Pope smiles.
We see that he is shooting at skeet. As they are launched, he hits every one of the clay pigeons. A group of cardinals claps every time he hits one.
One of the cardinals is Danny Thomas. He whispers in the other cardinal's ear.
CARDINAL THOMAS
If only he were Italian. He'd have shot back at that Turk.
PROMENADE DECK - TWILIGHT
Bette Davis is standing next to a winch that is pulling in a man who went overboard. She is hysterical. Several crew members are working the winch. Several are with Bette. We don't see the man they are pulling in.
BETTE
(to crew member)
It wasn't my fault. Believe me. He's been bothering me…all the time. Kept pushing me to get to his room. He's so forward. So rude. He tried to kiss me in broad daylight. He pushed. I shoved. One thing led to another. Next thing, he's in the drink.
CREW MEMBER
Well, he's coming up now.
BETTE
I hope he's alright. I didn't mean to hurt him. He just kept trying to get me to his room and put the make on me.
The victim is being hoisted aboard. The winch lays him on the deck. He's frozen solid, with ice covering him like a human Popsicle.
CREW MEMBER
He's frozen stiff, like a popsicle.
BETTE
(smiling)
Now I'll go to his room.
INT. - HALLWAY
A guy dressed like a linesman at Wimbleton is walking briskly down the hall. He is being chased by John McEnroe in his tennis outfit.
JOHN
(yelling)
You imbecile! You dumb son-of-a-twit.
McEnroe hits a tennis ball at him.
JOHN
How could you call that out? It was in by a bloody mile!
They keep walking briskly out of camera range. McEnroe keeps yelling and hitting tennis balls at the official.
The camera stops and focuses in on one of the stateroom doors. The number on the door is "lOE". We dissolve through the door into the stateroom. Jimmy and Roselyn Carter are in bed watching TV.
JIMMY
Roselyn, this show stinks.
Roselyn is looking through the TV Guide.
ROSELYN
I know. Why don't we try the ship cable system?
(excited)
Here's one you'll like. Ronald Reagan is on 34.
Jimmy gets out of bed and changes the channel.
TV SCREEN
We see Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing. They're in their night clothes. Ronald leads Nancy into bed. We know what's going to happen, folks.
JIMMY AND ROSELYN
Jimmy's getting back into bed. He's smiling.
JIMMY
I think I'll like this one.
CLOSE-UP - CLOSED CIRCUIT TV CAMERA
In Ronald Reagan's room. We pull back and reveal that Ronald and Nancy are live in bed. We see their port hole to show that they're in a cabin on the ship. We see them groping under the blankets, "P.G. style," of course.
CARTER'S ROOM
JIMMY
I'm bored. Let's turn that off and get some shut-eye, Roselyn.
ROSELYN
Right, Jimmy.
Jimmy gets up and turns the TV off. He jumps back into bed and starts kissing Roselyn. They're getting as sexy as former White House people can get.
REAGAN'S ROOM
They've finished their fun. Nancy is looking through the TV Guide. Ronny's standing at the set.
NANCY
Honey, let's unwind. Try that ship cable, channel lOE.
Ron switches on the set.
REAGAN'S TV SET
It shows Jimmy and Roselyn are having Presidential foreplay.
CLOSE-UP - CLOSED CIRCUIT CAMERA
in Jimmy's room. We pull back and see Jimmy getting some executive privileges from Roselyn.
PROMENADE DECK - NIGHT
We see Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize walking together dressed in white as their TV characters Roarke and Tattoo.
ROARKE
You know, Tattoo, I've helped thousands of people to experience their fantasies.
TATTOO
I know, boss.
ROARKE
Tattoo, I've also wanted to give you your own fantasy.
TATTOO
(excited)
Really, boss?
They stop and look at the moonlit ocean. As they talk the camera slowly zooms in on the moon.
ROARKE
Yes. What is your fantasy? After all the years of your loyalty, Tattoo my friend, be my guest. Have you a fantasy, my good buddy?
TATTOO
Gee, thanks boss.
They are both still dressed in white, but now Richardo is the midget and Tattoo is the tall one.
ROARKE
What is your fantasy?
TATTOO
You're looking at it, boss. Now I can do something I always wanted to do, boss. Kick the shit out of you, boss.
The short Roarke is shocked as the big Tattoo starts to beat him up. Small Roarke runs away, big Tattoo chasing after him.
INT. - DOCTOR'S OFFICE
The Doctor is examining Jerry Lewis. Jerry has his shirt off.
The Doctor finishes listening to Jerry's heart and folds up his stethoscope. Doctor looks glum. Jerry has his usually stupid look going for him. The Doctor opens up a folder and looks at some lab results.
JERRY
Well, what's up, Doc?
DOC
(sad)
I don't know how to tell you this. I guess I'd better be blunt. You have muscular dystrophy.
BRIDGE - MORNING
Tom is looking over the horizon with binoculars. He spots something. He looks puzzled. Out in the distance, there is a guy's head in a bandana sitting up in a dingy.
Tom puts down his binoculars.
TOM
Captain. Captain!
He runs over to the Captain.
TOM
There's a man in a rowboat off to starboard.
The Captain looks through his binoculars to where Tom is pointing. He sees the man.
NELSON
All engines in reverse.
The order echoes through the bridge.
The ship slows down and coasts to a stop near the small dingy.
The Captain picks up the microphone.
NELSON
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
People on deck stop in their tracks and listen.
NELSON
We are slowing down. There is no need to be alarmed. We have spotted a small vessel that appears to be in distress. We will pick the party up and be on our way.
A large crowd gathered and is looking down at the man. We see he is a Pirate. He has a patch over one eye, a peg leg and a bandana around his head.
The Officers are all standing on the bridge. Tom is next to the Captain. Tom has a bullhorn. They're looking down at the dingy.
TOM
(through bullhorn)
Sir, remain calm. We will lower a boat and bring you aboard.
The Pirate looks up at the hugeness of the Queen Mary. In one hand he has a bullhorn. In the other hand he has a flintlock pistol. he starts waving the pistol and yelling through the bullhorn.
PIRATE
I'm taking this ship over! You are captured! Everyone! Put your hands up! Reach for the sky!
All the passengers there shut up in fear and raise their hands.
THE BRIDGE
Most of the officers have their hands raised, too. Tom and the Captain don't.
PIRATE
(through bullhorn)
You're all my hostages. I'm coming aboard. Don't anyone move.
NELSON
(whispering to Tom)
Give the order -- all ahead full.
Tom ducks down and runs inside the bridge.
TOM
(into intercom)
All ahead full. Quick! All ahead full.
The boat starts steaming off. Everyone is still holding their hands above their heads. They're all still terrified.
The Pirate is irate.
PIRATE
Hey! I told you not to move. I'm going to have to get rough!
PROMENADE DECK
People still have their hands in the air, watching as the dingy is quickly left behind.
THE BRIDGE
The Captain shakes his head and prepares to speak into the microphone.
THE PROMENADE DECK
NELSON (v.o.)
Ladies and gentlemen, you can lower your hands now. I think were out of danger. Go back to your games and fun.
Everyone lowers his hands and happily returns to what they were doing. The ship steams on.
STERN DECK
There's a boxing ring. A huge crowd is seated around it. Howard Cosell is standing in the middle of the ring with a microphone in his hand. Howard signals to the timer to ring the bell. It rings. The crowd quiets down.
HOWARD
Ladies and Gentlemen. It gives me a great deal of pleasure to announce the main fight on this coronation cruise. Ladies and gentlemen, there is only one man who could step into the ring and bring enough dignity to this voyage. His admirable boxing career spans over 20 years. He's done more for boxing than anyone in the history of the sport. He's the only man to ever win the heavyweight Championship 3 times. He's given us many a thrill. Would you please welcome the champion, Muhammad Ali.
(over applause)
Ali! His opponent? His record speaks for itself. He's a battler whose name strikes fear around the world. Pound for pound maybe the greatest fighter of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, Menachem Begin.
Another huge cheer for Begin.
HOWARD
Begin in this corner.
Menachem and Muhammad come to the center of the ring.
HOWARD
Gentlemen, may the best man win.
Howard ducks under the ropes and sits at ringside. The bell rings. The referee signals for both fighter to come to the center of the ring and start fighting. They feel each other out. Then, Begin hits Ali with a flurry of punches. Begin senses the kill. He knocks Ali out. The crowd goes wild. They jump into the ring and carry Begin out. MUSIC: "If I Were a Rich Man."
COCKTAIL LOUNGE
We pan into the lounge. As we do we see the name of the room, "Lovers Nest." We see improbable celebrity couple who have become enamored of one another and become items. Soft romantic music plays in the background. We pan by Mary Tyler Moore and Yassir Arafat holding hands at a table looking lovingly at one another. The camera moves to a table with Milton Berle, who has his arm around Lillian Carter in the candlelight.
MILTON
I know your son was in the White House, Miss Lillian, but was the Civil War really that rough?
LILLIAN
Only when You entertained Sherman's troops in the Union Army, and they got so furious they stormed out and burned down Atlanta.
Milton does a take. The camera moves on to a table with Redd Foxx and Jackie Onassis holding hands. As the camera pans by we hear…
REDD
I'll always have time for you, darling.
The camera pans by other couples in the Lovers Nest, enjoying the candlelight, soft music and champagne. We see a table with
Stevie Wonder and Phyliss Diller.
PHYLISS
You mean the famous Stevie Wonder thinks I'm beautiful?
STEVIE
Can I feel the skin that's tucked up behind your neck?
PHYLISS
I'd let you but your hands aren't big enough.
Phyliss gives her cackling laugh. The camera moves on to a table with two Burt Reynolds holding hands with each other.
BURT 1
I really think you're fabulous.
BURT 2
You're right, and you're the greatest that ever lived.
BURT 1
I couldn't live without you.
The camera pans by without stopping to a table with Grace Kelly holding hands with Gary Coleman. Grace has a glass of champagne in front of her. Gary has a malt.
GRACE
You're really something special.
GARY
Has it got anything to do with my money?
She leans forward and squeezes his hand and looks into his eyes.
GRACE
Yes.
HALLWAY - ROOM Service BOY
He has a cart of room service orders. He stops at a door that says "Iran," and under that, "Ayatollah." Waiter knocks on the door. A bearded man in Arab garb answers.
WAITER
Room service.
The Iranian ushers him in and points to the far side of the room where the Ayatollah Khomeini is sitting, legs crossed on a floor cushion. The Waiter starts to push the food cart toward the Ayatollah. The Waiter looks to the other end of the cabin suite. Four firing squad riflemen are ready to shoot three blind-folded men.
RIFLEMAN
Ready…Aim…Fire!
Shots ring out. The 3 blind-folded men sink to the floor shot. The Waiter is wide-eyed and frightened. The Ayatollah signals for a tray.
AYATOLLAH
Put the food here, boy.
WAITER
Yeeeeees, sir!
Three more blind-folded men are in place, now.
RIFLEMAN
Ready…Aim…Fire!
The three men slump to the floor. A couple of guys are stacking up the bodies in the corner. The Waiter is quickly pulling food out of the heated part of the cart and placing it on the tray in a nervous hurry. We hear the firing squad as he finishes up the food set up. Then, he bows and runs out the door.
BUCKINGHAM PALACE LIVING ROOM
The Duke is in his fancy outfit, pacing. The Oueen, in full regalia, is seated by the fireplace paying her piccolo.
DUKE
With the Prince going to take over as King just points up how worthless I feel. My life seems pointless.
QUEEN
Nonsense. You gave me three sons and a daughter. I call that a good job.
DUKE
(whining)
Oh, so that's it. I'm just a baby-maker. A big stud who stands around waving. Well I'm not a stud. I'm more than a stud.
The telephone rings. The Queen answers.
QUEEN
(into phone) Yes. Yes, just a minute.
She holds the phone out for the Duke.
QUEEN
(to Duke) It's Calumet Farms. Secretariat's sick. They want you to replace him in the breeding stalls at 10 o'clock Tuesday.
THE LOVERS NEST LOUNGE - TOM AND SALLY
are sitting at a candlelit table. They have champagne in a bucket at the side of the table. They gaze romantically into each other's eyes as they sip the champagne.
TOM
I sure do love you, sweetpot.
SALLY
I sure do love you, too, blossom head.
TOM
If this trip is smooth, I get my officer's papers and we can be married .
SALLY
I can't wait, peapod.
They lean together and kiss. Tom puts money on the table and they leave holding hands. They walk out to the deck.
PROMENADE DECK - TOM AND SALLY
have just walked out of the lounge. They walk to the rail, still romantic.
SALLY
We have great memories.
TOM
Will you ever forget just a couple of minutes ago in that cocktail lounge?
SALLY
Wasn't that something?
RIPPLE DISSOLVE:
LOVERS NEST LOUNGE - FLASHBACK
We see the scene at their table just two minutes before. There is haze around to remind us it's a flashback.
TOM
I sure do love you, sweetpot.
SALLY
I sure do love you, too, blossom head.
TOM
If this trip is smooth, I get my officer s papers and we can be married.
SALLY
I can't wait, peapod.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE:
PRESENT - TOM AND SALLY
at the rail. They look at each other kindly.
TOM
(wistfully)
Ah, memories, memories.
They smile, hold hands and walk away down the deck.
A LAVATORY
We see a line of about 8 toilet stalls with no doors in the front. David Niven enters and goes into one of the open-doored stalls. On the back wall of the stall is a large sign that says, "Pay Toilet." Niven is confused. There's no door. He looks and notices this, then looks down. There is a metal shield covering the toilet on the side of which is a coin slot. On top of the slot is says, "25 cents." Niven puts a quarter in it.
SOUND: Electric noise as the metal shield slides open.
Niven is surprised, then accepts it. The camera frames Niven above the waist as Niven rubs his hands and disappears below the frame. The camera pans across three stalls and stops at a stall on an above-the-waist shot of Henry Kissinger sitting there reading a copy of the "Diplomatic News." We hear a recorded voice.
RECORDING
Sorry, your two minutes are up for that 25~. The metal shield is closing now.
We hear the sound of the shield closing…under Kissinger.
KISSINGER
(shocked)
Oh no!!
BRIDGE - DAY
Master Seaman Bates has got the helm strapped steady. He is seated next to a small portable table across from the Captain who is also seated. They are playing gin rummy. The Captain looks at his cards.
NELSON
I've got a hand like a foot.
He discards. The Helmsman picks the discard up.
BATES
Don't worry, I won't gin. I'm just speculating.
The Captain is still concentrating on his gin game but he speaks to the Lt. Graham who is engrossed in his maps in the corner.
NELSON
Lieutenant, what is the next geographical point we will pass?
GRAHAM
Bermuda, sir.
CAPTAIN
Carry on.
Int. BRIDGE - Day
No one is looking, but out the window we see a sign on a hillside the letters "WELCOME TO BERMUDA," only about 20 yards away.
EXT. ship
We see a somewhat peninsular section of Bermuda. The ship plows right into the land and keeps going.
Int. BRIDGE
It shakes a little. The two keep playing cards.
CAPTAIN
It's getting a little rough.
He discards, the cabin still shaking.
BATES
I'll just take that eight of Hearts.
He picks it up, then discards another card.
CAPTAIN
You princk.
EXT. ship
The ship plows completely over the land, then back into the water and continues.
INT. BRIDGE
It is calm. The Bates throws down a card.
BATES
Gin!
NELSON
That's the most exciting thing I've seen today.
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
The Doctor has a sheep in stirrups. He is wearing rubber gloves. He presses on the sheep's stomach, almost between the sheep's legs.
DOCTOR
Does this hurt?
She sheep makes a sheep sound, like saying "no" in sheep.
SHEEP
Na-a-a-a-a.
Int. BAR - DAY
Sally is sitting at a table. She keeps looking at her watch We can see that she is impatient. Tom comes in and sits down. He's a little uptight as usual.
TOM
I'm sorry, honey. But we had to figure out a new route. There's a big storm south of us.
Sally shakes her head in disbelief.
TOM
Honey, listen, I know it's been tough for us. But bear with me. We'll have plenty of time to be alone once this thing is over.
SALLY
I sure have had plenty of time to be alone.
Tom looks at his watch.
TOM
Honey, take it easy.
(gets up)
I have to get back. That storm may be moving in another direction. I love you.
He kisses her quickly and leaves. The camera follows him. It stops at a table where Jane Fonda is sitting. Stan Laurel brings her a drink. She takes it.
LAUREL
Here you are, Miss Fonda. A Three Mile Islander.
JANE
Thank you, Stan.
She chugs the drink.
JANE
By the way, Stan, what is in a Three Mile Islander?
STAN
(proudly)
It's three jiggers of vodka and nuclear waste.
JANE
(shocked)
What?! Thanks, Stan.
Jane gets up and walks away. She walks down a long dark hallway. We see that Jane is glowing in the dark.
Int. BAR - Later
Ron is at one end of the bar. He's flirting with Nancy, our Cruise Director. He is holding her hand.
RON
Baby, that was great last night.
She shushes him.
NANCY
Not so loud.
RON
I love waking up next to you, baby.
She shushes him again.
NANCY
(whispering)
Me too.
She giggles. A Waiter comes up with a telegram.
WAITER
Nancy, here's that telegram you were expecting.
NANCY
(excited)
Oh, thank you, Harry.
The Waiter exits. Nancy reads the envelope.
NANCY
It's from New York.
RON
Quick. Open it. Maybe it's from that agent. He probably found out who your real parents are.
Nancy rips open the telegram and starts to read it to herself. She starts smiling.
NANCY
He found them! He found them!
Ron gives her a hug.
RON
Great!
While she continues to read the details in the telegram, Ron grabs a bottle of champagne, pops the cork, fills two glasses and hands one to Nancy. He makes a toast.
RON
Honey, here's to finding your real parents. May they be kind, sweet, and understanding people.
They drink the toast.
RON
What does it say?
NANCY
Well, they live in Ohio.
RON
Hey, that's my home state. Another toast.
They toast.
NANCY
Dayton.
RON
C'mon! That's my hometown. What a coincidence! We're from the same hometown!
NANCY
You're kidding.
RON
No. Another toast, my love, dear.
They toast.
NANCY
You're not going to believe this. My parents' name is also Davis.
RON
(shocked)
What?!
He grabs the telegram. He reads it. He can't believe what he's reading. He's seen a ghost. He's pale.
RON
(reading)
Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Davis, 4106 Beeman Drive, Dayton, Ohio.
His jaw drops.
RON
(slowly)
Those are my parents. Your parents are my parents.
NANCY
(in shock)
You mean we are brother and sister?
RON
You got it, honey.
NANCY
Better make that "sis."
RON
Right.
(hesitates)
Sis?
Their shock turns to depression.
RON
You mean what we did last night was…
Nancy nods yes.
RON
Oh, brother.
NANCY
You said it.
Ron's mood suddenly changes to excitement.
RON
Hey, what are we down for? We know we were lovers and now we're even closer -- we're family.
He fills their champagne glasses.
RON
Here's to incest.
They toast. She lightens. They both start giggling hysterically.
NANCY
Maybe we can have a kid.
RON
He'll have webbed feet. He'll get a swimming scholarship to Yale.
They laugh and have another toast.
THE SUN DECK BY THE POOL
Sylvester Stallone is standing there in his swimming suit. A group of Japanese tourists are shooting as many pictures of him as possible. Sylvester is cooperating with them as much as he can. He smiles for them and poses. The smiles become more and more fake as his patience starts to wear thin. The Japanese people keep muttering and clicking their cameras. They're happy. Sly isn't. He tries to leave them. They won't have any of that. They stop him. They want more shots. Sly says, "No. No more." In Japanese, they plead. Sly gets steamed. He grabs one Japanese man and rips the camera off his neck.
SLY
(mad)
I want to get a few shots of my own.
Sly jams the Nikon camera down the Japanese man's pants. The man and his fellow tourists are shocked. Sly starts clicking the camera through the man's pants.
SLY
Send me the negatives. I want to send some prints to my grandmother.
He walks away. The silent Japanese look on in shock. The camera follows Sly as he walks past several celebrities lounging around the pool. He walks up to Wilt Chamberlain who is lying in an extra long deck chair.
SLY
Hey, Wilt. How you doing, man?
WILT
Fine, man. Hey, man, want you to meet my new wife, Betty.
Wilt motions to a 5'1" white woman.
SLY
Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Chamberlain.
Wilt points to two other deck chairs.
WILT
And our two kids, Billy and Donna.
SLY
Hi, Billy. Hi, Donna.
Billy and Donna are two kids in their early teens. They are W.A.S.P. from the waist up. From the waist down they both have extra long black legs.
Int. SECURITY CONTROL CENTER
A British Security Guard is watching a bank of 12 monitors under a huge round desk. The monitors show what is going on around the ship. The Guard is relaxed. Everything is normal.
INT. SHIP'S HALLWAY
Bob Hope is strutting along in his Bob Hope walk, carrying a golf club for no reason whatsoever. He's alone. Bob sees a closed-circuit security camera tucked up in the corner of the hallway. He stops and looks up at it. He straightens his tie and starts to do a monologue into the security camera as if it's a TV camera.
BOB
Well, hi there, everybody. This is Bob Aboard-The-Queen-Mary Hope. Queen Mary. She was the last woman to be called a queen.
Each time he cracks a joke, we hear a huge Charlie Douglas laugh track.
BOB
Boy, this is some rough trip. Everybody has been real sea sick. Why, I even saw the Pillsbury Doughboy tossing his cookies. You should see the excitement around here when the ship hits the fan. The Captain said, "You want to see the bridge?" And he handed me his teeth.
Int. SECURITY CONTROL CENTER
A British security Guard is looking at the monitor that has Bob Hope on it. He is shocked.
BOB
They put me on "D" Deck. I guess someone saw my high school report card.
BOB
And how about that coronation? There'll be more crowns here than are in Redd Foxx's mouth.
Int Security Control Center
The British security Guard is in total disbelief. He picks up a phone.
GUARD
(into phone)
Henderson. There's a suspicious weirdo on "B" Deck. Move in and apprehend him. Be careful, he's armed with a golf club.
BRIDGE
Everything's going smoothly.
TOM
Sir, I can take over for the evening. Why don't you and your new bride have some alone time?
CAPTAIN
(smiling)
Well, Mr. Armstrong, I just might take you up on that.
He acts very macho, as if to say, "We men have to keep our women happy."
HALLWAY
The Captain is walking to his room, anticipating a sexy evening with his new young wife. He stops. We hear some commotion. He leans against the wall. He's frightened. We see Nancy Reagan and Jane Wyman pass by him. They are fencing with swords. He continues his journey. He comes to his cabin and opens the door. His wife is in bed with another man.
CAPTAIN
(apologetic)
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I should have knocked. Pardon me.
WIFE
How rude, John, to come barging in to our room when I'm with company.
CAPTAIN
Excuse me, honey.
(to man)
Can I get you a drink, sir?
WIFE
This is Willard.
CAPTAIN
Pleased to meet you, Willard.
They shake hands.
WILLARD
The pleasure is all mine, Captain. I'll have a scotch and water.
NELSON
Fine, I'll get it.
WIFE
Honey, we need some more ice.
NELSON
I'll get it from the machine down the hall, honey.
He goes out the door with the ice bucket.
INT. CABIN
We see Karl Malden. He's just about ready to go to bed. He's dressed in his pajamas. There's a knock at the door. He answers it. Zsa Zsa Gabor is standing there pointing a hand gun at him. Zsa Zsa quickly comes in and shuts the door. Karl has his hands up.
ZSA ZSA
Give me your family jewels.
KARL
(trembling)
I don't have any jewels.
ZSA ZSA
C'mon. I want your family jewels.
KARL
(pleading)
I told you. I don't have any family jewels.
Zsa Zsa reaches into the fly slot in Karl's pajamas and pulls out two diamonds that are shaped like testicles. He screams. She holds them up and looks at them.
ZSA ZSA
The family jewels.
She runs out of Karl's cabin.
HALLWAY
Zsa Zsa runs down the hall. The camera zooms in on the next door. We dissolve through the door. Brooke Shields is in bed with a thin young blond guy. He gets out of bed. With his back to us he starts to put on some Calvin Klein jeans.
BROOKE
That was great, Calvin.
CALVIN
(zipping up)
Brook., you were just Calvinized.
EXT. ship - Day
We hear the theme music as the ship cruises through a field of icebergs.
EXT. SUNDECK
All the passengers are out on the deck. They're happily pointing at the beautiful icebergs. Unaware of the danger, they are taking pictures of the icebergs. They're laughing and having a great time.
BRIDGE
The mood is kind of tense. The Captain maintains a false air of calmness.
TOM
(alarmed)
Captain, shouldn't we alert the passengers of the danger?
CAPTAIN
Absolutely not. We have the finest electronic equipment, sonar, radar, everything. There is no way we are facing any danger.
Suddenly, there is a huge crunching noise. They've hit an iceberg. We hear what sounds like the whole bottom of the boat being ripped apart. The boat stops.
EXT. DECK
Everyone screams and runs to the side where the ship has hit the iceberg. They are panicked.
Int. BRIDGE
The officers are equally panicked, standing outside the bridge looking at the iceberg.
NELSON
Check for damage! Prepare the lifeboats.
Three crew members run away to do just that. Tom looks at the iceberg through his binoculars.
TOM
Captain, it's sinking.
The Captain pays no attention.
NELSON
Radio our position. Inform the passengers to don their life jackets.
Tom is still looking at the iceberg.
TOM
Captain, it's sinking.
NELSON
What?
TOM
The iceberg is sinking. Not us!
The Captain looks out and we see iceberg listing ala sinking ship. Some passengers are on the iceberg. They are wearing life jackets. One by one they are diving off the sinking iceberg and swimming to the Queen. We see the iceberg turn over and disappear under water.
CAPTAIN
(relieved)
Tom, help the survivors come aboard.
EXT. PROMENADE DECK - LATER THAT DAY
Tom and Sally are walking along the deck. They're holding hands. Here comes the Love Boat scene, folks.
SALLY
Tom, why aren't you your usual tense self?
TOM
Honey, we've almost made it.
SALLY
I know. But there's still the huge farewell party tonight.
TOM
Yeah. But that's just it. It's a farewell party for the Prince and Princess. They'll be long gone, heading back to England. A yacht is taking them to a plane on some island.
SALLY
Why are they leaving so early?
TOM
They have to fly back to prepare for the coronation.
They stop and hug as they look out to sea.
SALLY
What a great life they lead. Yachts picking them up out at sea. Private planes, farewell parties with every VIP in the world.
TOM
Honey.
(hugs her hard)
When this is all over we'll have even a better life than the Prince and Princess.
SALLY
Yeah, but we'll never have as many horses as they do.
They laugh and give each other a Love Boat kiss.
TOM
Honey, what are you going to wear tonight to the farewell party?
SALLY
A horse.
They laugh and kiss again.
Int. BALLROOM
It is the biggest ballroom that can be afloat. Everyone is dancing (black tie) in the middle of the dance floor. They're dancing to the greatest reggae group ever. The entire band is normal reggae, but all six members have their hair connected by cornrows. We pan along and see the ultimate in drinking and party luxury. The camera stops at Jacques Cousteau's table. He is wearing a black wetsuit with a tuxedo bow tie.
JACQUES
Waiter.
WAITER
Yes, Mr. Cousteau.
The Waiter brings over a live lobster and puts it on Jacques' plate.
JACQUES
(to lobster)
I love the creatures of the sea. I am a fair man. I will let you die a natural death, then I will eat you.
ANGLES - PARTY SCENE - MAIN BALLROOM
The camera is on Gregory Peck sitting at a table. He looks down the table.
PECK
Would you pass the butter, please?
Joe Namath grabs the butter, stands up, fades back and passes the butter to Gregory Peck. Peck catches it casually and begins using it.
DOCTOR'S TABLE
He's at a table with Margaret Thatcher, David Brinkley, Grace Kelly with Gary Coleman, who are holding hands. The Doctor is holding forth in a festive mood, captioning things on the table. He holds salt shaker upside-down under his nose, salt pouring out.
DOCTOR
An albino with a nose bleed.
He grabs a candle in a red glass holder. He puts in over his head.
DOCTOR
A monk with an idea.
He stands up and puts the same candle perpendicular in front of his fly.
DOCTOR
A coal miner with a hard-on.
He picks up a bowl of sour cream and displays it.
DOCTOR
All that's left of the Erroll Flynn estate.
HIGH ANGLE - PARTY
Camera moves in on Clint Eastwood walking back to his table. A punk red-neck type of guy comes up to Clint.
REDNECK
I told you on deck, Eastwood, and I'll tell you again. You actors act tough, but you're pansies.
Eastwood tries to ignore him and move on. Redneck stops him with a grab.
REDNECK
You couldn't punch you're way out of a wet paper bag.
Eastwood hauls off and punches the Redneck in the stomach. Clint's fist goes entirely through the man. We see Clint's fist come out his back.
RON AND NANCY
are sitting at a table with Brezhnev, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Liberace and Carol Burnett. Reagan sips a drink.
REAGAN
As the bartender, Ron, perhaps you can tell me what this drink is. It has a zesty, fruity taste.
RON
Yes, that's a California Sunset -- Tequila and Medfly shit.
HIGH ANGLE PARTY
We see a table with Jimmy Carter and the Ayatollah arm wrestling. The crowd around is cheering for both sides as they strain back and forth.
CLOSE-UP - TWO WAITERS
WAITER 1
What is the Pope having?
WAITER 2
Vatican food.
He shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "Don't ask me what that is." The camera moves to the Pope at a table with clerics and cardinals. The waiters serving him are dressed as altar boys. They serve crab puffs into the Pope's mouth solemnly. The Pope bows his head.
CARDINAL
How is the Vatican-style food, Your Holiness.
POPE
Please don't be so formal. You don't have to call me Your Holiness. Just call me Your.
We see a table with Prince and Princess sitting with Queen Wilhemena, Ted Kennedy, Jackie Onassis, and Prince Rainier of Monaco with a black midget woman. He's sore about Grace and Gary Coleman. Along comes not a strolling violinist, but a manualist (John Tooney), a man who entertains the royal couple by making embarrassing sounds by cupping and squeezing air through his hands. He plays the English National Anthem.
NOTE: John Tooney can play anything on his hands.
Everyone at the table stands up. An aide whispers in the Prince's ear. The Prince taps a spoon on a glass.
PRINCE
Attention everyone.
The noise stops.
PRINCE
Our yacht is here to take us to our plane connection to England. We must get started ahead of time with our coronation preparations.
PRINCESS
You've all been marvelous.
PRINCE
Have a jolly good time and thank you for coming.
The couple wave and depart.
VARIOUS ANGLES
The Prince and Princess walking through the crowd.
CROWD
Hip hip, hooray. Hip hip, hooray.
Then everyone starts singing.
CROWD
For they're a jolly good couple, for they're a jolly good couple.
The Prince and Princess wave as they walk out the door. The party continues as we
DISSOLVE:
EXT. - QUEEN MARY
plowing along. We hear the theme music.
Int. BRIDGE - DAY
The Captain, Tom, the radar man, the Helmsman, the Navigator are looking straight ahead.
NELSON
Well, the Prince and Princess must be winging their way home to England by now.
TOM
I'm glad there's only one farewell party. I'm a little hung over.
NELSON
Yeah. My mouth tastes like a sick goat walked through it.
He takes out a pack of Clorets, opens it up. A white flag comes out and waves from inside the box … Surrender. The Captain does a take, then looks suspiciously at Tom.
NELSON
Did you rig those Clorets?
Tom laughs.
TOM
Yes. Sorry, sir. But if you don't mind my saying so, your breath could start the windmills in an old Dutch painting.
They both laugh.
EXT. OCEAN
We see a beer can floating in the water in the foreground. In the background, we see the Queen Mary bearing down on it.
RADARMAN
is looking at his screen with a worried look on his face.
On the radar screen, we see the beam sweep in a circle, a blip appearing where the beer can is ahead of them.
RADARMAN
(excited)
Captain! We're heading right for a beer can.
NELSON
(panicked)
How far?
RADARMAN
About 200 yards straight ahead.
TOM
Oh my God!
Tom pulls a rope. The ship's horn sounds. The Captain grabs his hung-over head, reacting to the sound.
NELSON
Avoid the beer can. Hard starboard!
TOM
It may be too late, sir.
Tom looks through his binoculars.
EXT. ship
We see the prow of the show looming over the Budweiser can.
Int. BRIDGE
NELSON
(alarmed)
I think we're going to hit it.
EXT. ship
The bow of the ship hits the Budweiser can.
Int. BRIDGE
Everything is shaking and rocking. We hear a sound of crunching and crashing. Captain, Tom and the others in the wheelhouse bounce against the walls.
VOICE
(from engine room)
We're starting to take on water, sir.
NELSON
(on speaker)
All hands carry out emergency orders. Prepare to abandon ship.
Int. BALLROOM
The party is in full swing, but some people felt the first impact and are rushing for the exits. Others continue dancing and partying. In the ballroom we hear fast, emergency, quick blasts on a siren like when a coal mine caves in. Now, more people pay attention and start to panic. The band goes from playing "It's All Right Now" to "Rock of Ages." Some dancers who have been over served fall down when the boat rocks, but get up and keep dancing, fall down -- get up and dance again. Most of the people now are alarmed and running for the exits.
EXT. DECK
Seamen are cutting open tarps on lifeboats, preparing them for service. On some lifeboats stowaways jump out and run off.
Int. BRIDGE
Tom and the Captain are looking through binoculars.
Tom can see the choppy ocean horizon. Then, the binoculars go blank. Tom looks at the binoculars, then bangs them on his hand.
TOM
Captain, do you have a dime?
The Captain hands Tom a dime. Tom puts it in a slot alongside the binoculars, like on the telescopes on the observatory floor of the Empire State Building.
Tom looks through the binoculars. The blackness lifts and he can see the choppy ocean again.
TOM
I think the lifeboats should head northeast, sir.
Int. RADIO room
RADIO MAN
This is the Queen Mary calling Naval Rescue, Station Omega. May day! May day! This is the Queen Mary calling Navel Rescue Station. May day! Over.
Over the radio speaker we hear a pre-recorded female Voice.
VOICE (v.o.)
Thank you for calling Naval Rescue. I'm sorry, but all our lines are busy. Please hold, and your emergency will be handled in the order received .
Through the speaker, we hear "hold" Muzak.
Int. NAVAL RESCUE STATION OMEGA
We hear the same music. Naval officers are dancing with female officers. The song ends. They all stop dancing. One of the female staff is sitting at her desk.
OPERATOR
Sir, there's a ship on hold.
The Captain walks over to the Operator. The Captain is Yogi Barra. He puts on the earphones. He talks into the microphone. He is mad at the interruption.
YOGI BERRA
Yeah, what is it?
RADIO MAN
This is the Queen Mary. We're in a May Day! We've had a collision. We're taking on water and need help!
YOGI BERRA
I read you.
(to officers)
Stations, everyone. The Queen Mary is in distress!
Everyone runs to his desk. Captain Yogi and his lieutenants run to a huge map of the Atlantic Ocean. The map is on a military war room table with little wooden models of the ships in the Atlantic. Captain Yogi and the lieutenants gather around the map table. They stare down at the model of the Queen Mary. Captain Yogi points at the model.
YOGI BERRA
There she is, boys. Let's save her.
Int. BRIDGE
Tom is standing over the shoulder of the Radar Man. Tom walks over to the Captain.
TOM
Captain, it doesn't look good. There isn't a ship within 400 miles.
NELSON
We would have to pick the course with the least traffic.
TOM
Captain, we're taking on water real bad. What should we do?
NELSON
Only one thing to do. We better consult the Master himself.
The Captain turns to the wall. There's a plastic face of a Chinese Chef hanging there. It's a novelty item that is guaranteed to get a laugh. The Captain pulls down the Chinese guy's tie. He spits water and goes into a hysterical laugh. Both Tom and the Captain look at him. He has the answer to their problem. The plastic chef stops his recorded laugh.
NELSON
You heard him. We're in big trouble.
Int. CLOTHING BOUTIQUE
Elizabeth Taylor and Bo Derek, along with other women, are casually trying on designer life jackets. They're standing in front of mirrors trying to find the life jacket that matches their gown. Liz puts one on that has a fur collar. She poses in front of the mirror.
BO
Liz, that'll never do.
LIZ
You're right.
Bo pulls another life jacket off the rack.
BO
Try this one with lace.
Liz puts it on.
LIZ
I love lace. It goes with my purse.
A Salesman comes over. He looks at Liz in the mirror.
SALESMAN
Perfect. It's you.
LIZ
I'll take it. Wrap it up.
SALESMAN
Miss Taylor, maybe you should wear it. We are sinking, you know.
EXT. SUN DECK
All our celebrities are scrambling around in life jackets to their lifeboat stations. The Captain speaks over the intercom.
CAPTAIN
Ladies and gentlemen, lifeboat stations. Everybody to your lifeboat stations.
EXT. ship
We see that the ship is starting to list to the right.
Int. ENGINE ROOM
The water is rushing in real fast. The engine room guys are trying to run to safety. Suddenly a group of people on a white water raft come roaring through the engine room.
Int. BRIDGE
The Captain and all the officers hats are listing off to the right. The Captain walks to the gauge that sends the orders to the engine room. It reads "Full Speed," "Steady," "Slow," and "Reverse." He grabs the handle and jams it into the last position, which reads, "Sink."
Int. NAVAL RESCUE STATION OMEGA
Captain Yogi is looking at the table map with the boat models on it. The Queen Mary is in the middle of the map. Two model freighters are pointed toward the Queen, but they're a long way off.
YOGI BERRA
Where's the SS Cleveland?
The Lieutenant points with a pointer at a freighter.
LIEUTENANT
Here, sir. 431 miles, north by northeast.
YOGI BERRA
Where's the SS Ralston?
The Lieutenant points to another freighter model.
LIEUTENANT
Here, sir. 385 miles due south. Both are heading for the Queen full speed ahead.
Captain Yogi shakes his head.
YOGI BERRA
They'll never make it. Where's Henderson?
The Lieutenant walks over to another table with a map on it. It shows a floor plan of the station, and has little models of men on it showing where they are standing in the office. The Lieutenant points to a wooden figure.
LIEUTENANT
Henderson is 7 feet southeast.
YOGI BERRA
Where's Andrews?
LIEUTENANT
(pointing)
Andrews is 18 feet due northeast.
We see in the background a guy get up and walk out of the office. Captain Yogi looks around as the man walks out.
YOGI BERRA
Move Henderson's position to the bathroom.
The Lieutenant takes his pointer and pushes the male model that represents Henderson to the bathroom location on the map.
Int. BRIDGE
The Captain is addressing all his officers who are lined up in front of him.
NELSON
Gentlemen, we are sinking rapidly. The nearest ship is 350 miles away. We can't let the passenger's panic. It's up to us to get every member of this ship safely aboard those boats. Those people out there are scared. We have to remain brave. We've got keep calm, be cool, stay confident, and represent this ship line proudly. I know I can count on you.
(pause)
Gentlemen, let's start the evacuation. Women first.
The Captain walks outside to observe what's happening. As soon as he's gone, all the officers scramble to their places and start putting on dresses.
EXT. BRIDGE
The Captain stands by the railing overlooking the lower deck. Everyone is in helter skelter, terrified activity. The Captain is uptight.
NELSON
(shouting)
Move it! This ship is sinking. Man the lifeboats. Now!
Robert Young walks up to the Captain with a cup of coffee in his hand.
YOUNG
Captain, you seem so jittery and nervous. What's the problem?
NELSON
I don't know. The doctor says it may be too much caffeine.
YOUNG
Why don't you try Sanka. It has no caffeine.
He holds the cup out to the Captain.
NELSON
Why don't you try sticking that cup of Sanka up your ass. Maybe that'll make you nervous. The God damn ship is sinking.
LOU JACOBY
Who is watching forlornly as the seamen prepare lifeboats to be lowered to the sea. Sirens are sounding, the band is playing off camera in the distance, "Onward Christian Soldiers." Old man Lou Jacoby goes up to a seaman frantically working to get a lifeboat in place as the ship sinks.
LOU
What is going on here? Am I an albatross? I was on the Titanic, the Lusitania, I was a German naval officer on the Bismark, I was on the Andreadora. They all sank. Now this ship is sinking. I've never made it across the Atlantic. Half the fun is getting half-way there, is that it?
He walks away wringing his hands.
RON AND NANCY
are hurrying to get in place to board a lifeboat.
RON
(shouts)
Attention. Rules for disembarking. Rats first, women and cowards second.
EXT. railing
The first lifeboat starts to be lowered over the side on a crane. The Captain runs up and climbs over the rail and jumps into the lowering lifeboat. He is the first one to get in a lifeboat. Tom runs up to the rail.
TOM
Captain, you're supposed to be the last one to leave the ship, not the first.
NELSON
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
(orders)
Hoist me back up.
LIFEBOAT LINE
We see celebrities lining up to get into the boats. They are pushing and shoving trying to get to the front of the line to assure themselves a good position. Among the pushers we see Burt Reynolds, Robert Redford, Phyliss Diller, Gregory Peck, Milton Berle, Billy Graham, and Eric Estrada.
BURT REYNOLDS
Let me get up front and be sure to get a lifeboat. I make 5 million a movie.
ROBERT REDFORD
(shoving back)
Let me up there. I'm the cutest. Do you want this face to sink underwater and drown next to some jelly fish? Make way for cuteness.
ERIC ESTRADA
Are you kidding? I'm the cutest, and I'm macho on top of it. My jock strap is at least 4 times bigger than yours.
PHYLISS DILLER
(pushing by both)
I'm definitely not the cutest. Go right ahead, gents. Don't get your Congressional Medals of Honor wet.
Phyliss walks away. Billy Graham comes up, pushing and shoving more than anyone else.
GRAHAM
I should get on the lifeboat first. I'm a man of the cloth.
BERLE
(to Graham)
You better use the cloth to clean behind your ears.
GRAHAM
By saving me, I will save millions.
BERLE
You mean make millions. Why don't you go down on the water and walk to England.
GRAHAM
I'll give everyone here a million dollars if you let me on first.
He pulls out a huge wad of money. Ronald Reagan walks by and grabs the roll.
REAGAN
I need this money badly for the economy.
LIFEBOAT
Being lowered, with the band playing a jazzy big band version of "This Could Be The Start Of Something Big." Some people in this lifeboat are dancing to the music as they lower away.
PEOPLE ON DECK
putting on life jackets and leaping overboard. We see the people hitting the water and then sinking. A distinguished looking English Lord sees this and tears the covering off his life jacket. It is stuffed with bricks.
LIFEBOAT DECK
Tom and Sally are in their life jackets. In the background we see our celebrities getting aboard the lifeboats. The ship is listing even more. The lifeboats are starting to be lowered into the sea.
TOM
Sally, you have to go. Get on the boat.
SALLY
Tom, I'm not going until you go.
TOM
Please, Sally. I'm not going until everyone else is off. You've got to go now.
SALLY
You and I are on the same boat and that's final.
TOM
Okay, bunny lips.
They go to embrace. Steve Martin, who is running for a lifeboat, gets caught in between them. With their eyes shut, they both kiss Steve on opposite sides of his face.
STEVE
Well, excuse me!
Steve runs off to his lifeboat. Tom and Sally kiss.
LIFEBOAT DECK
The Captain is walking alongside his young wife. She's wearing a negligee with a life jacket. She's flanked by two young studs who are wearing only their shorts. They are kissing each of her ears. The Captain is carrying champagne in a bucket.
NELSON
Honey, I want you to be comfortable.
MRS. NELSON
You better.
NELSON
(to lovers)
You guys need anything?
STUD 1
Just show us to a boat with a soft cushion.
NELSON
Yes, of course.
They come to the lifeboat. The Captain takes his wife's hand and elegantly escorts her into the lifeboat. He takes the hand of the first stud and escorts him into the lifeboat. He does the same with the second stud.
NELSON
(to wife)
Anything else, dear?
Wife and two lovers hold out their champagne glasses. The Captain reaches into the ice bucket and grabs the bottle, then pours it into their glasses. Their boat is lowered into the ocean.
TOPSIDE OF SHIP
The topside is pretty well cleared. People have gone over the side in the lifeboats or life jackets. We hear some people scrambling to abandon ship The Ship is listing a bit to the port side.
Emerging from a gangway door, mostly in tuxedoes but all elegantly attired, are eight fat and portly men, each are carrying a glass of champagne or red or white wine in an elegant crystal. Most are smoking fine cigars. We assume they have come from the party below, which some people have kept going for another day. The fat gentlemen are Orson Welles, the ship's Doctor, Lord Tyrone Tonic, Lord Paul Seiden, Burl Ives, Marquis Luis Itania, Lord Andrew Dorie and opera's Lucien Pavarotti.
The men move toward the port side of the ship, and the ship lists even more to that side. The gentlemen stay reserved as they gather around. The Doctor raises his glass.
DOCTOR
Gentlemen, a toast.
They all raise their glasses.
DOCTOR
To you, Lord Andrew Dorie, you Marquis Luis Itania, you Burl Ives, you Lord Tyrone Tonic, you Lucien Pavarotti, and you Lord Paul Seidon. Gentlemen, let us all toast this great lady in her last few moments. To the HMS Queen Mary. Her memory will live on forever.
They all ad lib "Here here," and drink the toast. The ship creaks and list a little more.
PAVAROTTI
I get the feeling our weight has this ship balanced rather precariously. The weight is such that we are right on the brink.
ANGLE ON DECK
Shows a young boy with some marbles in a circle. He takes one aggie in his marble shooting position and shoots. The marble goes through the circle and rolls down the ship's listing deck. The camera follows the marble rolling along as it heads toward the rail by the fat gentlemen. We see that just the extra weight of the aggie causes the entire ship to roll over on its side. We hear loud creaking and rolling sounds. We see the marble rolling against the rail as the ship loudly rolls over.
EXT. ship - AERIAL SHOT
We see the ship roll on its side. In the ballroom, what was the floor now looks like a back wall. One wall looks like a floor. The ceiling looks like a wall.
Int. NAVAL RESCUE STATION OMEGA
We see Captain Yogi Berra and an aide scrutinizing the big table with all the ships on it. Captain Yogi takes a pointer and points at a model ship on the board.
YOGI BERRA
There's the Queen Mary and that's about where she was when we got the radio distress call.
The camera moves in a little closer on the model of the Queen Mary. On its own, the model turns on its side.
YOGI BERRA
That could mean trouble.
EXT. deck
Tom's voice comes over the P.A. system.
TOM
Ladies and Gentlemen, shuffleboard has been cancelled.
Int. DINING ROOM
Stan Laurel, our waiter, gets up and scrapes some eggs back onto his tray and walks up to a man.
STAN
Sir, here are your eggs. They are over easy.
Int. BARBER SHOP
A Customer is lying on his side in a barber chair. The barber is lying on his side, too.
CUSTOMER
Just take a little off the side.
SMOKESTACKS
Our friend, the Duke, is floating on his back in the smokestack. He is wearing the snort-a-meter and snorting some cocaine of a small mirror.
Int. CASINO
Five guys are lying down. One guy throws a pair of dice at a crap table on its side. They come up snake eyes, and stick on the perpendicular crap table.
DICE THROWER
Two more rolls and let's leave.
Int. MEN'S ROOM
Henry Kissinger is trying to sit on a toilet that is on its side. He's grabbing the upper edge of the toilet seat, trying to keep his balance.
HENRY
Boy, have I had it with public facilities.
Int. stateroom
Phyliss Diller is lying face down with her face over a port hole. A fish is swimming close to the port hole. He's flirting with Phyliss. Suddenly the fish darts for Phyliss' face with his mouth open. We hear a huge kissing sound. The fish dies and floats to the surface of the ocean.
PHYLISS
Don't knock it. That was my sex life for the decade.
Ext. LIFEBOAT
We see a large boat drifting in misty atmosphere. It is a typical lifeboat, with around 30 people. Arnold Swartzenegger, the muscle man, is rowing on one side. Don Knotts is on the other. We see debris, flotsam and jetsam. Among the people aboard we see Captain Nelson, Tom Armstrong, and Nurse Sally Whitcomb. Ron Davis and Cruise Director Nancy, Suzanne Sommers, and Ted Kennedy. Arnold Schwartzenegger, Don Knotts, Sly Stallone, the Doctor and others are in the boat, too. The Doctor looks at the debris. He can't resist his habit of captioning. He sees a large round cork ball like some kind of marker buoy floating alongside. He picks it out of the water and holds it against his neck.
DOCTOR
The Jolly Green Giant's goiter.
People dejected at their plight stare at the Doctor.
DOCTOR
Come on, now. Let's cheer up.
He picks about a 3 foot splinter of wood out of the water and tosses the goiter ball away. He puts the stick of wood slanting downward from his mouth on one side. No stick of wood is on the other side.
DOCTOR
A walrus with a bad dentist.
He laughs uproariously at himself and notices everyone is staring at him silently. He stops laughing abruptly.
NELSON
We probably have too many people aboard this lifeboat and not enough food rations and water. But we must not panic.
Howard Cosell swims up alongside the boat.
COSELL
Thank God. I don't think I could swim another yard.
Cosell puts his hands on the boat gunwales as he is about ready to climb aboard. Sly Stallone puts his outspread hand over Cosell's face and pushes him strongly back under water.
STALLONE
Get outta here.
Meanwhile, Arnold Schwartzenegger is rowing so much more strongly than Don Knotts that the boat is going in circles. The Captain notices.
NELSON
Mr. Stallone, will you please relieve Mr. Knotts on the port oar?
Alongside the boat now, we see an iron lung that is floating. We can see the guy's head sticking out. He has headphones on and he's whistling. The iron lung has an engine on the back of it that powers it along. There's another guy straddling the lung on top.
TOM
(calling)
Would you like some help? Can we bring you aboard?
GUY ON LUNG
No thanks. We're fine.
He reaches back to the engine. They accelerate and speed away.
ANGLE ON SUZANNE SOMERS
She is near the rear of the boat. She looks at her watch.
SOMERS
Oh my lord. It will soon be cocktail hour. I've got to wear something appropriate.
She turns her back to the rest of the people in the boat, slips out of her day dress, takes off her bra to get ready to put on her fancy cocktail dress.
ROWING CREW
A few yards away from the boat a Harvard rowing crew of eight goes rowing by. A coxswain is perched aft with his megaphone shouting to the eight rowers.
COXSWAIN
Stroke, stroke.
They row to the count of the coxswain's call.
POV - BEHIND SUZANNE
The crew is looking over at her. They stop rowing and gawk. Suzanne takes up the beat with her arms over her head.
SUZANNE
(sultry)
Stroke, stroke, stroke.
COXSWAIN
Alright, boys. Let's try it again with the oars.
The boys snap out of it and grab their oars.
COXSWAIN
Stroke, stroke.
Suzanne finishes dressing as they row away.
DON KNOTTS
Spots a bottle of wine floating in the water. He pulls the bottle out and holds it up. There is a note in it.
KNOTTS
Say, there's a note in this bottle. Let's just have a look at it.
He removes the cork and turns the bottle upside-down and shakes it like a ketchup bottle. A tightly rolled parchment falls in his lap. Sally is about the only one who has noticed this. Knotts unrolls the parchment and reads it to himself.
SALLY
What does it say?
KNOTTS
(reading)
From the desk of Christopher Columbus. I have now proved that the world is flat. Next I'd like to go back to Spain and prove that Queen Isabella's chest is flat, too.
CLOSE-UP - CALENDAR
The calendar has large numbers of the date of the day and on the top the day of the week; ie Monday, Tuesday, etc. There is only one day and date per page. A hand reaches in and we see the hard tear off the pages, showing passage of time as in the old movies. The camera pulls back and we see a steward with a sign, "Calendar Man," on his hat.
CALENDAR MAN
Ten days have gone by.
TOM AND SALLY
Sitting next to Dolly Parton. She is holding five little babies.
SALLY
Miss Parton, I didn't know you had quintuplets.
DOLLY
They're not mine. Their mothers are friends of mine. I nurse them as a favor.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Tom is eating some rations from the lifeboat safety kit.
TOM
Boy, are these rations tasty.
He offers one to Sally. She starts chewing the food. She makes a face as if she's eating mud.
SALLY
What is this?
TOM
(enjoying it)
Seagull jerky.
He offers her some more.
TOM
Here, try some squid biscuits.
SALLY
No thanks, dear. I'd rather eat my life jacket stuffing. What else is in that kit?
TOM
All kinds of survival equipment. You couldn't make out on the high seas without this stuff.
He pulls out a large white sheet.
TOM
Here's a parachute, a baseball, a guide for the ten best restaurants in Paris, and the most important survival item of all ---
He holds up a piece of rope.
TOM
Shark dental floss.
ANGLE ON THE CAPTAIN
He is shaving. He has shaving cream on half his face. He reaches down and rinses his razor in what we supposed is a wash basin. We pull back to reveal that he is using the open mouth of a pelican for his wash basin. The pelican is perched on the bow of the boat. The camera pans to show a line of men all waiting to use the facilities, their shirts off and towels over their shoulders.
ANGLE ON ORSON WELLES
He is talking out to sea.
ORSON
I love you, my dear. Please, can't we go off together and get married?
A whale surfaces and it winks at Orson. He kisses the whale.
ANGLE ON DOCTOR
He's looking at a Seaman who has an injured leg. The Seaman is in bad shape.
SEAMAN
Doc, how bad is my leg?
DOCTOR
You're going to be alright, my friend.
The Doctor moves over to Sally, his nurse. He's carrying his doctor's bag.
SALLY
How is he?
DOCTOR
Sally, I'm going to need you. The gangrene has set in. We're going to amputate his leg.
LONG SHOT - LIFEBOAT
We hear the same happy music we heard on the aerial shots of the actual cruise. The camera zooms in. We see Jimmy Hoffa floating toward the lifeboat. He's lying in a pool lounge chair. Two seamen pull him aboard.
SEAMAN
(shocked)
You're Jimmy Hoffa.
JIMMY
Yes, where's my mail?
ANGLE ON CAPTAIN
Everyone is gathered around the Captain, who is sitting in the middle. The camera moves in. We hear laughter. Some activity is in progress. As yet, we don't know what it is. The camera moves in on the Captain. Nancy is sitting next to him with a pad.
SUZANNE SOMERS
(irritated)
Stop this, Captain. It's bizarre. It's ridiculous.
NELSON
We have to be democratic. We're almost finished with this.
SUZANNE
But it's so macabre.
NELSON
We have to do something. Our engineer says we are straining our capacity. We all know that. We have one too many people on board. Someone has to say goodbye and go overboard. We all agreed.
SUZANNE
But why decide like this?
NELSON
Whoever tells the worst joke goes overboard. That's it. We agreed. Now, who's next?
NANCY
Two to go. Milton Berle and Ruth Gordon.
NELSON
You have all the ratings on the jokes so far.
NANCY
Yes sir.
NELSON
Okay, Milton. Your turn.
MILTON
Worst joke goes overboard, heh? might finally win something. Okay. This nun hits her foot on a rock. She blurts out "God damn it." Then, she says, "Oh Christ, I said God damn it." Then she says, "Aw, shit, I said Christ." And then, "Aw, screw it. I didn't want to be a nun anyway."
People laugh. A group of 12 judges holds up rating signs. They range from 7 to 8.5. Nancy records the rating.
NELSON
All right. Last but not least, Ruth Gordon.
RUTH
I'm kinda nervous. I don't think I can swim 2000 miles.
The Captain laughs.
NELSON
I'm the one who should be nervous. So far I'm the number one rated worst joke.
RUTH
Okay. Here goes. This man was getting a shave by a barber with a straight razor. The barber slips and cuts off the customer's nose. He drops the razor and cuts off his toe. The barber puts the toe back where the nose should be and the nose where the toe should be. Now, every tome he wants to blow his nose he has to take off his shoe.
Just a small smattering of laughter. The panel of judges put up their rating signs. They're very low: 2 to 4.5.
NANCY
That rating makes Ruth Gordon's joke the worst joke. She'll be the one thrown overboard.
The Captain lets out a happy shriek.
NELSON
Yeeeeahoo! Thank you, Miss Gordon. You got me off the hook.
Everyone else cheers and shouts. We hear ad libs, "I'm glad it's not me." "That's lucky." "Just as well it's an old person." Ruth Gordon looks helpless and bewildered.
NELSON
Alright. Throw her over, men.
Arnold Schwartzenegger and Sylvester Stallone walk up and grab Ruth by the arms and lift her up. They start to do a heave ho. A voice cries out. It is
KENNEDY
Told it! Put her down. I volunteer to take her place as the person who goes overboard. I'm a terrific swimmer.
Ted stands on the edge of the boat in his suit and tie.
KENNEDY
Besides, I thought her joke was funny.
Ted dives into the water and swims away.
CALENDAR MAN
He holds up the calendar and starts ripping off five more pages with the dates on them.
CALENDAR MAN
Five days later.
RON AND NANCY
They look sickly and weak, as does everyone else around them. Ron is trying to make a crude fishing line by tying a safety pin to a string.
NANCY
I'm starving. I haven't had anything to eat in five days.
RON
Don't worry, sis lover, I think I can catch us a fish with this.
He holds up a string with the pin on it.
NANCY
Honey brother. No way. Forget it.
RON
Well, I've got to try. We're desperate for food.
He throws the line into the ocean.
NANCY
But there's no bait. You can't catch anything with that.
RON
Honey, if we had bait, we'd have eaten it by now.
The string in the water starts to jerk up and down.
RON
I think I have something.
NANCY
Dear, you're crazy. No fish would go for that pin.
The line starts to tug real hard. Ron is struggling to pull in whatever is on the end of it. It looks like he has a sailfish on the line.
RON
Honey, this is it! It's huge!
NANCY
You're right.
A crowd of people gathers around as Ron struggles to pull in his catch. Two men hold his body and try to help him pull on the line. He pulls it up and it turns out he has hooked a buffet table that is covered with the most lavish display of food any cruise ship would have. They lean over and haul the table aboard. Everyone cheerfully starts to gorge themselves with the goodies on the table.
ANGLE ON DOCTOR
The Doctor, with Sally assisting, is about to cut off the Seaman's leg. We see the Doctor injecting the Seaman's leg with some local anaesthetic.
DOCTOR
Does that feel numb?
SEAMAN
Yes, Doc.
DOCTOR
I think we're ready, Sally. Tom, would you hold up the blanket so the other passengers can't see. I would not want to ruin their appetites. In the stern, everyone is eating himself silly.
TOM
I don't think we have to worry.
Tom holds up the blanket. We just see the Doctor and Sally's heads on the other side of the blanket. Tom looks over the blanket and watches them.
DOCTOR
Sally, are you ready?
SALLY
Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR
(to Seaman)
Son, this won't hurt one bit.
We hear the SFX of a chain saw cutting through a log. The Doctor finishes and turns off the saw.
DOCTOR
Did it hurt, son?
SEAMAN
(relieved)
No, Doc. You do good work.
DOCTOR
Thanks, son. Can I have that shoe? I collect left shoes.
SEAMAN
Sure, Doc.
DOCTOR
Thanks, and I won't bill you.
Sally holds up a ballpoint pen. It is leaking green ink.
SALLY
Doctor, his leg didn't have gangrene. His pen was leaking down his pants pocket.
DOCTOR
(to Seaman)
Boy, have I got some good news for you. It wasn't gangrene after all. Those streaks down your leg were just from a leaky pen.
SEAMAN
Thank God.
DOCTOR
And I've got even better news. I've plenty of malpractice insurance. That leg will be worth a fortune.
SEAMAN
Boy, this is my lucky day.
Sally and Tom are holding hands and walking over to a section of the boat where they are alone. They sit down and gaze romantically at one another.
TOM
You know, Sally. I was watching how gruesome that was cutting that man's leg off.
SALLY
Yes.
TOM
It made me think. We should talk about our marriage.
SALLY
Tom, has it had time to sink in?
Tom flinches.
TOM
Please, don't say "sink" to me.
SALLY
That's just it. This voyage has been a disaster. You won't get your officer's papers. You may not get hired again. How can we get married?
TOM
Let's buy a motel instead so we can make love free.
SALLY
That does it. Go ahead, be a screwball. But not on my time.
She starts to get up and leave angrily. Tom grabs her and pulls her back to his side.
TOM
Listen, fruity poo pod honey head. I love you. I've been silly. We should not care about what kind of job I have. We'll make it. Will you marry me?
They kiss.
SALLY
Yes. When?
TOM
How does five minutes strike you?
SALLY
What?
TOM
Captain!
The Captain comes over to them.
NELSON
What can I do for you?
TOM
Marry us.
NELSON
I'll be happy --
(does take)
What?
SALLY
(smiling)
You heard him. Marry us.
The Captain is still taken aback. Then, he smiles. A woman hands Sally a bouquet of flowers.
NELSON
You bet I will. I'm authorized.
(calls out)
Attention everyone. There's going to be a wedding.
People gather around. Sally hands the Captain a Bible with the marriage ceremony in it.
SALLY
I just happened to have this section of the Bible with me -- the marriage ceremony.
Everyone laughs.
TOM
(to Ron)
Hey, Ron. Get over here and be best man.
Ron hustles over alongside Tom.
RON
You wouldn't say I was best man if you saw me in a shower.
SALLY
Nancy? Be the maid of honor.
Nancy rushes to Sally's side.
NANCY
I don't know about the honor, but I could be maid.
CALENDAR CLOSE-UP
The page reads "Two o'clock." A hand reaches up and tears off that page. The next page reads, "Two Thirty." The camera pulls back to reveal Calendar Man.
CALENDAR MAN
A half hour has gone by.
NELSON
I now pronounce you man and wife -- unless one of you has syphilis.
The Captain laughs at his own aside. Everyone cheers and applauds. Tom and Sally kiss.
ORSON WELLES
Where are you going on your honeymoon?
TOM
We thought we'd spend it on you.
Everyone cheers. Jubilation is the order of the day. Sally throws the bouquet high in the air.
As the bouquet is on its downward arc, a shark bursts up through the sea and catches the bouquet in mid air. MUSIC: Sharp terror chords. We hear ominous music. All the people in the lifeboat are frightened real good. They're silent.
Suddenly we see 25 shark fins break the surface of the water and start circling the boat. The people scream. The sharks get closer. They start hitting the boat. Louder screams. Panic ensues. The sharks bump the boat harder, almost knocking it over. On one of the shark's attacks, a woman loses her balance and falls back against the bow. Her head knocks a rope into the sea. The rope is attached to the bow. A huge shark surfaces with his mouth open. We see rows of big teeth. Everybody is terrified. The shark grabs the rope in his mouth and starts to tow the boat at a high rate of speed. Everyone falls down in a big heap. The shark keeps towing the boat faster and faster. We see an island in the distance.
AERIAL VIEW
Me see the shark pulling the lifeboat. To each side of the boat we see the other sharks fins in formation. It looks like a police escort.
NELSON
I'll be damned. They're kind sharks.
ANGLE
The shark has pulled the boat close to the island. Suddenly he releases the rope and the momentum carries the boat ashore. The boat is beached. Everyone gets up from where they were knocked down in the boat.
NELSON
We've been saved!
Everyone gets out of the boat, mumbling sighs of relief. "Those sharks saved us." The Captain waves out to sea.
NELSON
Thank you, sharks!
Everyone else joins in waving.
GROUP
Thanks to the sharks!
Ext. OCEAN
The sharks are all waving their fins back at the people on the island.
Ext. Beach
All the people are hugging and dancing for joy and cheering. Everyone is saying "We've been saved." "We're alive and safe." "We made it to land." As this ecstatic scene is taking place, the camera pulls back and we see, looming over the palm trees and the beach is a huge Godzilla-like monster, walking slowly toward the survivors.
THE END