Rewrite by Pat McCormick
July 9, 1979
ANIMATED OPENING
The Columbia Statue comes to life and skates out of frame. The setting sun animates into a spinning ball.
MATCH CUT WITH:
EXT. VENICE BEACH - SUNSET
of a red roller skate wheel spinning. The title music pops in. The camera tracks back quickly to reveal the skater, Pistol Pete, and the Venice boardwalk. Pistol Pete is already at top speed precariously shooting in, out, and between pedestrians, bicycles, and trash cans that pack the boardwalk. He playfully swipes food and drinks, sunglasses from the pedestrians as they walk past.
Ext. Venice Beach - ANOTHER ANGLE
Stan, Richie, and Susan skate down the boardwalk. They joke with each other. Richie is checking out the girls. Stan and Susan do a stunt.
Ext. Venice Beach - ANGLE ON SKATERS - SEVERAL ANGLES
We see different people skating: A woman in Beverly Hills gets out of her limo dressed in fur and and evening gown and skates into Gucci's. A business man skates through a crowded street, briefcase in hand. A high school girl carries her books from the school entrance and skates past the camera. A boy in a cast. His cost leg has a skate on it. A woman hitchhiking. She is thumbing a ride. A guy picks her up. She holds on to his waist and they skate off. A nurse wheeling a baby carriage. The nurse is on skates.
Ext. Venice Area - ANGLE ON GANG
A touch street gang rides through the streets. They terrorize pedestrians and motorists alike. The twenty member gang is like a flying squadron, peeling off, and banking to the sides at the signal of its leader.
ANGLE ON STAN, RICHIE, SUSAN (INTERCUT WITH PISTOL PETE)
Stan, Richie, and Susan roll down the Venice boardwalk. Pistol Pete is coming the opposite direction. As he passes them, he swipes Stan's metallic sunglasses. AS Pistol Pete skates away. Richie, Stan, and Susan skate in the opposite direction. The camera tilts up to the sky for titles. We see super¬imposed roller skaters in the sky. Credits spin out from their wheels. The credits end. The sky fades to black. The title music fades with the picture.
EXT. SKATE TOWN - NIGHT
The camera tilts down from the sky to reveal Skate Town U.S.A. A glittering neon sign shines over the entrance to Skate Town. The building is situated on the Santa Monica Pier. The owner, Harvey, and his son, Jimmy (Billy Barty) walk into the entrance. Jimmy carries a large box that covers his face.
INT. CAROUSEL - NIGHT
Harvey and Jimmy walk around an old carousel. They disappear into a blinding flash of light.
INT. LOBBY - TICKET BOOTH
Harvey and Jimmy walk through the lobby and past the ticket booth. Teri, the cashier, sits in the ticket booth. Harvey and Jimmy walk past the skate rental booth to the side and say hello to Samantha. Just then, the DJ, Boppin' Bobby Blue, skates past them and disappears through another flash of light.
INT. RINK - NIGHT
The rink is dimly lit. Bobby Blue skates down a ramp. As he does, lights flash on the ramp as if trailing after him. He skates to his DJ booth that is suspended above the rink. He climbs up a pole into the booth.
INT. DJ BOOTH - NIGHT
Bobby blue puts the arm of the stereo down on the first record of the evening. The music begins.
BOBBY BLUE
Time to wake up Skate Town. He throws a switch.
SERIES OF SHOTS - LIGHTS
Banks of disco lights illuminate. They pop on to the beat of the music. The snack bar lights come on revealing the attendants; Ripple and Ben.
NOTE: Ben and Ripple are improvisational characters. While we indicate where their routines go, we have done no more than that. It is anticipated that Gary Muldeer will play the role of Ben and Gallager, the role of Ripple.
The bandstand lights go on revealing the Skate Town logo.
Int. - HARVEY
scooting toward the office. To avoid the music, he grabs a paper napkin, tears pieces off of it, and stuffs them into his ears as plugs. He rushes into his office for relief.
Int. DJ Booth - ANGLE ON BOBBY BLUE
He speaks into a microphone.
BOBBY BLUE
Welcome, bonjour, bienvenido, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, disco skating Homo sapiens of all colors, creeds and sexual orientations: This is Boppin' Bobby Blue, saying how do you do?
EXT. SKATE TOWN - NIGHT
The sign above Skate Town illuminates. Lights come on outlining the entire building. Skaters rush toward the entrance.
BOBBY BLUE (v.o.)
Tonight's the big night. The finals of the Disco Roller Skating Contest. Plus, exciting roller exhibitions and stunts, plus the fabulous Beach Boys.
INT. TICKET BOOTH
People skate up to the ticket booth, rent skates. The area is packed. Bobby Blue continues to rap.
INT. RINK - NIGHT
Roller skaters scoot down the winding ramp to the rink floor and proceed to circle the rink.
Int. DJ BOOTH
Bobby Blue talks to the camera.
BOBBY BLUE
It's time to start our fantasy, now that you've come in. Here's a handful of stardust ---
He picks up a handful of colored confetti.
BOBBY BLUE
-- let the magic begin. He throws it down over the rink.
Int. CONTESTANT'S TABLE - ANGLE ON RICHIE, STAN, SUSAN
Confetti falls on top of their heads.
Int. Lounge Area
The camera pans with an out-of-control male skater as he tries to regain his balance on the rink floor. He scoots through an opening along the railing, past occupied tables and smack into the Coke machine. The Coke machine spews Coke and change on the guy as the Skate Patrol rescues him. Just then, Stan and Richie walk into the frame. The camera dollies with them past the accident and up to the contestant's table. Stan is our hero, a good-looking typical Southern California eighteen year old. His good fried Richie is a parody of John Travolta. Richie is very excited.
RICHIE
I think I fell in love.
STAN
We just walked into the place, Richie.
RICHIE
I don't care. I'm in love with that half of the rink. Would you look at that girl?
Int. RINK
He is looking at one of the Hookers. Stan, however, is looking at Pistol Pete doing an intricate routine.
BACK TO SCENE
STAN
Never mind her, look at him. That guy's fantastic. I told you we shouldn't have come.
RICHIE
Don't be silly.
Stan starts to back away from the contestant's table. Richie puts his hand on Stan's shoulder.
RICHIE
Where are you going? Stan, you're good. You're the best. I've seen 'em come and go and I know you're the best. But you'll never know it unless you try.
Stan is weakening.
RICHIE
Besides, if you don't win — you'll be letting me down.
STAN
Letting you down?
RICHIE
Yeah. 'Cause when you win this competition, as your manager, the girls will have to go through me --
(rubbing his hands gleefully)
-- and vice versa.
Stan signs in.
STAN
Well, don't get your hopes up, pal. I do all right in the Valley, but this is Skate Town U.S.A. These guys are pros.
They start to walk toward the dressing rooms.
RICHIE
You will be, too. Because with your moves, my brains, and this ---
He holds up a box.
RICHIE
-- You're going to be the skating champ of Los Angeles. They enter the men's dressing room.
Stan looks at the box curiously.
CUT TO:
Int. DJ Booth - ANGLE ON BOBBY BLUE
He talks into the mic.
BOBBY BLUE
Skate your eyes over to the right of the bandstand for the first ---
ANGLE ON RINK
A group of performers skate out to a special area near the bandstand.
BOBBY BLUE (v.o.)
-- Disco roller skating exhibition of the evening. Ladies and gentlemen, the _________________.
ANGLE ON GROUP
They do part of a routine.
EXT. HARVEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Harvey walks out of his office with the Disco Doctor, who is dressed in white with a doctor's bag. Harvey winces at the disco music as he walks out. The group routine continues in the background.
NOTE: The Disco Doctor is an improvise character who will be played by Bill Kirkenbower.
DOCTOR
I sure do appreciate this, Mr. Ross.
HARVEY
Well, I'm an old Army man myself. Combat veteran. World War II. Stationed in Northern Alaska. Held the record, you know: machine-gunned eight walruses in one day.
DOCTOR
Fantastic! You know what I was during the war?
HARVEY
A traitor?
DOCTOR
No, I'm a S.W.C.T. vet — Simulated War Condition Training. But it was very realistic. Real simulated bombs, barbed wire ---
He starts to lose control
DOCTOR
-- The Green Team captured me at the lunch counter of a Denny's restaurant. They tried to break me with a simulated prisoner torture technique, but I fooled them. I pretended I couldn't see or hear ---
He is now completely out of control.
DOCTOR
-- That drove them crazy. But I'm OK now. Every thing's cool. I'm really together.
HARVEY
Yes, you seem very together. I must remember to call you next time I want brain surgery.
Harvey shakes his head. He wonders what he is in for.
HARVEY
(to himself)
Oh, headache.
JIMMY
He has a headache.
They walk past the snack stand.
CUT TO:
Ext. SNACK STAND
A drug dealer sneaks through the crowd with an overcoat full of drugs. He is spotted by the rent-a-cop (Joe E. Ross).
ROSS
Ooooh, ooooh.
The dealer dumps his stash dangerously near the root beer syrup in the snack bar, and runs away.
Int. Rink - SKATING GROUP
They finish their routine, and the crowd applauds.
Int. DJ BOOTH
BOBBY BLUE
Let's skate!
EXT. DJ BOOTH
Bobby Blue slides down the ramp into a golf cart and drives around the rink. He pulls up to Harvey and Jimmy. He motions to Harvey.
BOBBY BLUE
Hop in. I got the merchandise.
He gives Harvey a conspiratorial wink. Harvey climbs in, and Bobby Blue lurches off, nearly spilling Harvey, who scrambles to hang on.
CUT TO:
INT. HARVEY'S OFFICE
Bobby Blue is clipping a small beeper device onto Harvey's belt. It's the small kind about the size of a cigarette package that doctors and businessmen use. The beeper goes off to let them know they should call their office.
HARVEY
So, what do I do, Bobby? I'm not very mechanical. I once hired a handyman to open a window for me.
BOBBY BLUE
You just switch this left for on and right for off.
Bobby demonstrates.
HARVEY
I see. And when it beeps, that means my wife is in the area, and I can tell if she's approaching.
BOBBY BLUE
That's right. The beeps will get faster and louder as she gets closer. You planted that transmitter on her, didn't you?
HARVEY
Yes, I did. I put it in her ring. I was going to put it in her I.U.D., but I forgot where it is.
BOBBY BLUE
Why are you doing all this?
HARVEY
I'm in the middle of a divorce, Bobby, which you're well aware of. When my wife sees me, I want to look poor; down and out. I want her to think the only thing she'll get custody of is my food stamps.
CUT TO:
Int. - DRESSING ROOM DOOR
Richie skates out.
STAN (o.s.)
I'm not coming out. I feel ridiculous.
Richie skates back in. He leads Stan out. Stan is wearing a white suit with fringe and over the eyes is a white mask. Susan is with them.
STAN
This is real stupid.
They skate out onto the rink.
RICHIE
It's not stupid. You're playing a role. Everybody plays a role in here. It's part of the fun. Look at that guy, there.
ANGLE ON PISTOL PETE - STAN'S POV
He is a short black man dressed in a Mexican bandit costume. He does a variation of a Mexican hat dance on skates.
RICHIE (v.o.)
And how about that guy?
ANGLE ON FRED ASTAIRE CHARACTER
A guy in black tails, top hat, and cane practices a tap dance on skates.
BACK TO SCENE
They look at people.
RICHIE
Pizzaz. Showmanship. That's what wins contests — believe me.
STAN
But I'm just a street skater.
RICHIE
No! You were just a street skater. Now you're the man in the white suit — the Lone Ranger — every woman's dream — the hero.
STAN
I'm no hero ---
Boppin' Bobby Blue comes by in a golf cart. Rapping about dreams and fantasy. He hits Stan with some colored confetti on the word "hero." Stan brushes the confetti off his hair.
STAN
I'm Stan Nelson from the Valley.
RICHIE
You know that, and I know that, but they don't know that. Don't you see? You're whatever you want to be in here. This isn't real. This is a fantasy. An illusion. A mirage.
They skate off the rink floor and settle down at a table.
CLOSE ON STAN
as he looks out at the rink.
STAN
Looks like a roller rink with disco lights to me.
Stan notices something on the rink floor. He stares out at whatever it is as Richie continues to speak.
RICHIE (o.s.)
Ah, Stan. You're impossible. But you'll see. Stay in this place a few minutes and it'll start to rub off on you.
Int. Rink - ANGLE ON ALLISON - STAN'S POV
A lovely, young girl of sixteen glides in the middle of the rink gracefully as the disco skaters circle frantically around her. She is a vision in her simple white dress. She almost seems to glow.
BACK TO STAN
Richie's words are almost inaudible as Stan tries to shake his head clear of the vision.
RICHIE (o.s.)
(fading out)
You'll see. You'll see. It's not like out there in the real world ---
He looks back out toward the rink.
ANGLE ON ALLISON - STAN'S POV (INTERCUT WITH STAN AS NEEDED)
Almost subliminally, the fast driving disco music is overpowered by a simple love song. The disco lighting fades out, magically, and softer romantic lighting filters in. The disco skates seem to fade out with the lights continuing their dancing as they melt into the darkness. Now only Allison can be seen as she skates in the middle of the rink. The routine is both intricate and simple, and Allison is grace personified. As she finishes she looks up in Stan's direction. Her face is angelic.
CLOSE ON STAN
He is awed by her beauty. He smiles at her.
BACK TO ALLISON
She smiles back.
CLOSE ON STAN
He is utterly charmed.
RICHIE (o.s.)
(far away)
Stan?
(louder)
Stan?
(normal volume)
Stan!
The hard disco music pops back in as Richie puts his hand in front of Stan's face and waves it to get his attention. Stan looks over at Richie.
RICHIE
Lost you there for a second, pal.
STAN
(dreamily)
She smiled at me.
RICHIE
No girls tonight. You're in training.
Stan looks back at the rink.
RICHIE
Now that we got the costume down, we got to work on psyching you up for this thing. It's all mental attitude.
Int. Rink - STAN'S POV
Allison is not where she was. The camera pans and we see a glimpse of her glowing white dress as she disappears into the crowd.
BACK TO STAN AND RICHIE
Stan gets up and skates away after Allison. Richie doesn't notice as he makes some marks in a note pad.
RICHIE
First we got to think 'win.' All the great athletes in the world think 'win.' And you ---
He turns to Stan and sees that he isn't there.
RICHIE
Stan?
He looks under the table.
Int. Rink - ANGLE ON STAN
Stan skates through the crowd after Allison. He gets tangled in the Hookers who are taking Joe Ross, the rent-a-cop, to their pleasure van outside.
STAN
(to Joe)
Have you seen a girl in a white dress ---
(embarrassed)
-- oh, never mind.
He's lost sight of her completely.
ANGLE ON THE DISCO DOCTOR AND A GIRL
The Disco Doctor is examining the knee of a beautiful girl. He takes out his stethoscope and places it on her chest.
DOCTOR
Now, take a deep breath.
The girl does so. Her breasts rise on the inhale and fall back on the exhale. The Doctor is enjoying the examination. Stan skates through the scene.
DOCTOR
Again! Keep doing it!
Int. SNACK STAND
Stan skates up to the counter. There is no sign of Allison. The stools are full of people drinking. Ben accidentally pushes the drugs into the root beer syrup.
NOTE: Ben is screwing up the orders for food, burning hot dogs, etc.
The scene is reminiscent of hundreds of bar room scenes in western movies. Ben, the bartender, cleans a glass and takes orders for root beers. Stan leans on the counter and summons Ben. Ben slides root beers down the bar counter to customers. An assortment of strangely clad customers order the drinks.
STAN
Bartender.
Ben turns around. Stan motions to him to come over.
STAN
Did you see a pretty girl in a glowing white dress pass the bar?
BEN
Can't say that I have, pal.
INDIAN (o.s.)
I saw her.
Stan turns around.
Int. Snack Stand - ANGLE ON INDIAN AND STAN
A white guy in an Indian head dress stands in the corner of the snack bar area.
INDIAN
She went that way. He points toward the exit.
Stan smiles.
STAN
Thanks.
He takes off after her. He skates toward the exit, skating past skaters.
ANGLE ON SKATERS
They begin a choreographed number dressed in street clothes.
ANGLE ON BOBBY BLUE
He races past them in a golf cart, sprinkling them with confetti.
SKATERS
are magically transformed into white tails, top hats, and canes.
BOBBY BLUE (v.o.)
Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous ____________________.
The skaters do a group routine.
ANGLE ON HARVEY
Harvey and Jimmy and two people we haven't introduced watch the skaters. Irwin and Eleanor are typical repressed newlyweds. Harvey holds his fingers in his ears and winces at the sound.
NOTE: Irwin and Eleanor are improvise characters.
HARVEY
(to Jimmy)
They should use this music to make spies talk.
(to Irwin and Eleanor)
So, you're the couple who won the night out at Skate Town. Congratulations.
IRWIN
Yes. The winning question was 'Would you describe your first kiss as A) a kiss of bliss, B) a tongue in the lung, or C) A sticky hickey?'
ELEANOR
And we both answered 'none of the above.'
HARVEY
My first kiss was a mannequin in Macy's window. Boy, was I lonely.
They walk into the office.
INT. HARVEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Harvey walks in. The place is a madhouse of delivery men, fast food, etc. Elliot, the band's manager, has taken over Harvey's office. He is busy on the phones, checking things off on a list as he talks. He is on six lines at the same time.
NOTE: Elliot is an improvise character.
Harvey closes the door, closing out the music.
ELLIOT
(into phone)
Well? Yes, I said three llamas. Uh huh. One female, two males. Not the other way around.
Elliot hits a button on the phone to change lines.
ELLIOT
What's with the cases of soft drinks? I didn't mean that kind of coke, stupid.
Elliot hits another button. He covers the mouthpiece of the phone and addresses Harvey.
ELLIOT
Put it down over there.
Elliot indicates a spot across the room. Harvey is confused. Irwin and Eleanor are freaked out. As delivery men come in and out of the room, the music cuts in and out with the opening of the door.
HARVEY
(to Jimmy)
What's going on here? Who is the guy ordering take-out llamas on my phone?
JIMMY
That's Elliot. The Beach Boys' manager. He needed to make some calls.
HARVEY
Headache. I need an aspirin enema.
(to Irwin)
Oh, just a minute. I'll get your tickets.
IRWIN
It's really fun being a newlywed.
HARVEY
We have an oyster vending machine if are low on lead.
Harvey turns and stumbles over a box. It breaks open. Maps strew out on the floor, along with some little books. Harvey goes over and looks through them. He picks some up and reads them.
HARVEY
A map of the stars in Wichita, Kansas?
He reads another.
HARVEY
A handicapped sex manual?
And another.
HARVEY
The Boat People Cook Book?
Harvey looks up at Elliot.
HARVEY
These people are weird.
Harvey looks at another tiny book.
HARVEY
This is certainly a tiny book. 'A Directory of Eskimo Cliff Divers.'
Harvey tip-toes through the room as Elliot continues. Delivery men bring in box after box of who-knows-what.
ELLIOT
(into phone)
Wait a second.
(to delivery men)
Guys? That goes to the bus out in the lot.
DELIVERY MAN
It says here 'Skate Town U.S.A.' This is Skate Town U.S.A.
ELLIOT
Yes, I know, but ---
(phone rings)
Yeah? No. That was a wah-wah pedal, two yo-yos, and a blonde.
Harvey hands Irwin and Eleanor their tickets.
HARVEY
Now. You can go pick up your skates, and you also get a complimentary Mr. Goodbar.
EXT. HARVEY'S OFFICE - IRWIN AND ELEANOR
They walk along watching the people on the rink. An out-of-control skater passes by them. He crashes into the Coke machine.
ELEANOR
This looks dangerous. Maybe we should go home.
IRWIN
Don't worry, dear. We'll have fun.
Bobby Blue drives by in the golf cart showering them with confetti on the word "fun."
EXT. SKATE TOWN - PARKING LOT
Stan is looking for Allison. There are a lot of distractions: People skate around practicing routines. Stan spots a double-decker band bus with strange sounds emanating from it. NOTE: The bus belongs to the Beach Boys. We will cut to it several times. Each time the noises and articles thrown out the windows become more outlandish.
ANGLE ON STAN
He looks at the bus. Just then a woman's voice interrupts.
HOOKER (o.s.)
Hey, cowboy.
Stan turns around expectantly. When he sees who it is, though, his smile fades.
HOOKER
Looking for some action?
STAN
Ah, not tonight, thank you.
HOOKER
Too bad.
She gives him the once over and leaves. Stan looks around for Allison. Just then, Richie and Susan skate up. He is fascinated and distracted by the hookers.
RICHIE
Stan! Where have you been? Where'd you go?
STAN
(confused)
I don't know. I saw this person — at least I think I saw this person — and then she disappeared and — Boy! Are you right about this place!
Richie is drooling watching the hookers take the newest john (the Dealer) into their pleasure van.
RICHIE
I told you so, pal. Look at those ladies.
STAN
I got to find her.
He skates back toward the entrance. Richie reluctantly follows.
CUT TO:
INT. SKATE TOWN - ENTRANCE
They skate down the ramp and onto the rink. Just then, they hear a voice.
PISTOL PETE
Gringo!
Stan and Richie turn around and spot a black man in a Mexican bandit costume. A strap of bullets criss-crosses his chest and he wears a large sombrero. A Caucasian pal to his side wears the same get-up.
STAN
Is he calling me?
RICHIE
Yeah.
PISTOL PETE
Gringo! Get over here.
RICHIE
It's the old psyche-out routine. It's part of the ritual. Come on. It's fun.
ANGLE ON TABLE
Pete and his sidekick sit at a table overlooking the rink. Stan, Richie, and Susan skate up.
PISTOL PETE
Buenos noches, gringos.
(to Stan)
I haven't seen you on this side of the border, amigo.
Stan looks at Richie for advice. Richie speaks up.
RICHIE
We're from the north. Just got into Skate Town today.
PISTOL PETE
My name is Pedro Bandilito Roosevelt Smith. Pistol Pete, for short.
RICHIE
My name's Richie. This is my boy, Stan.
PISTOL PETE
Your boy can't talk, is that it?
STAN
I can talk.
RICHIE
He talks with his skates.
PISTOL PETE
Bueno! Bueno!
(looks at skates)
Are you good with those skates?
STAN
Not bad.
RICHIE
He's the best!
PISTOL PETE
The best, huh?
(snapping his fingers)
Pepe! Clippings!
Pepe hands Pete a book of clippings. Pete opens the book.
CLOSE ON BOOK
He turns the pages. Pete is seen skating. The headlines read that he is victorious in different contests.
PISTOL PETE (v.o.)
Take a look, gringos. Look at my clippings.
ANGLE ON ALL
Pete pages through the book.
PISTOL PETE
Championships from one border to the other.
RICHIE
You can't skate on newspaper clippings, Pete.
STAN
(whispering)
Good one, Richie.
(aloud)
Yeah. Bring your book after the contest is over and I'll autograph it for you.
Pete smiles.
PISTOL PETE
We'll see, gringo. Hasta luego.
STAN
Buenos noches, señor.
Stan and Richie skate away.
RICHIE
That was great, Stan. Now you're getting at the idea.
Stan is pretty proud of himself. He and Richie skate away to reveal:
CUT TO:
ANGLE ON DISCO DOCTOR AND VOLUPTUOUS GIRL
He still has a stethoscope on her chest.
BLONDE
Are you sure this is the right examination for a scraped knee?
DOCTOR
I'll tell you, my dear. It isn't if you're not thorough. Now to the knee.
He lifts up her dress delicately revealing a curvaceous leg. The knee is ever so slightly damaged. He looks at the knee lasciviously.
DOCTOR
You know, the knee is a funny thing. Ha! Ha! It's usually connected to —
(carried away)
-- a real groovy calf on one side and an out-of-sight thigh on the other.
BLONDE
Do you think it's serious?
DOCTOR
(not listening)
I'd love to.
Just then, a strobing bank of lights crosses the railing right in front of the Disco Doctor. Something happens to him, he jumps up in fright, turns around and bumps into a man carrying a tray of food. The Disco Doctor turns around quickly revealing his shirt spattered with ketchup. He looks down at the "blood" in panic. He's flipped.
DOCTOR
Murphy! They got me! Get out of Denny's, quick! Save yourself!
He jumps over the railing and pops back up pretending to fire a make-believe machine gun.
DOCTOR
Charlie's in the tree! Two can play at that game, sucker!
He crawls under the tables and out of sight.
CUT TO:
INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM - NIGHT
Very shyly, Eleanor sits down on a bench lacing up her skates. In the background, girls are applying make-up in front of the mirrors. She is quite uneasy as she watches the girls. One of the girls stuffs Kleenex into her bra to add to her bust line. Another pops some pills and offers Eleanor some. She giggles.
INT. MENS' ROOM
The mens' dressing area is packed. Everybody in there is smoking a joint — everybody. There is a brown cloud hovering in the room. The camera dollies through the maze of people right up to Irwin, who is lacing up his skates. He coughs. Joints are continually thrust into his face. He constantly says, "No thank you," and smiles. He turns and goes to put his shoes in a locker. He opens the first one. An enema bag dangles out of the locker. He closes the first and moves on to the second locker. The next locker reveals a stash of whips, chains, and other instruments of torture. Irwin is confused. The next locker is dark and seemingly empty. He goes to put his shoes in the locker and someone from within yells:
VOICE
Close that door!
Irwin slams it shut.
EXT. LOUNGE AREA - NIGHT
Irwin and Eleanor meet at the rink entrance. People skate past them at high speeds. Eleanor has visibly stuffed her bra with tissue paper. They are having enough problems standing up on the skates let alone getting onto the rink. Just then, a huge black hulk of a man skates up to Eleanor.
HULK
(ominously)
Could I have this dance, please?
Eleanor looks at Irwin. Irwin looks at Eleanor.
ELEANOR
Well — ah — you see — ah ---
IRWIN
(nervously)
The fact is ---
The Hulk turns to Irwin.
HULK
(menacingly)
Yes?
Irwin is definitely intimidated.
IRWIN
The fact is one little dance couldn't hurt.
He smiles up at the man.
IRWIN
(nudging Eleanor with his elbow)
Go ahead, dear.
Eleanor timidly takes the man's hand and goes out ot the rink floor. Irwin smiles as if to say it's all right. They skate away. Irwin looks after them.
Int. Rink - IRWIN'S P.O.V.
He spots them as they come around the rink. Eleanor is wrapped around the man's left log, holding on for dear life. They wave at each other as she passes. Just then, Irwin is pulled down to the floor.
ANGLE ON FLOOR - IRWIN AND THE DISCO DOCTOR
The Disco Doctor has pulled Irwin under a table. He shushes him.
DOCTOR
Quiet!
He cups his hands over Irwin's mouth.
DOCTOR
Charlie's up in the trees. They're shooting real simulated bullets out there. Listen, Murphy! You're my only hope. Get back to camp. Tell them I'm wounded. Got it?
He removes his hand from the stunned Irwin's mouth.
IRWIN
(afraid)
My name isn't Murphy.
DOCTOR
Ha! Ha! The old name, rank, and serial number bit, huh? Good ol' Murphy. Now get going!
Irwin starts to crawl back out. The Disco Doctor grabs him again. Irwin looks at him, fearfully.
DOCTOR
The camp's that way, Murph! Quick. I'm simulated bleeding all over the place.
Irwin crawls between the tables.
DOCTOR
Keep your ass down! Quick! Quick!
Irwin crawls quickly. Just then the DJ sprinkles confetti on the Doctor as he flies past in his cart. He immediately goes back to his Doctor character. He turns to the knee next to him as if nothing had happened.
DOCTOR
Yes, knees are a funny thing. Ha! Ha!
The body above screams. The knee belongs to Elvira, an elderly woman standing with two other people.
NOTE: These are the Stuffy People (Elvira, her husband, and her girlfriend), and are improvise characters. She wacks him with her purse and turns to her husband.
ELVIRA
Do you see Murray! That's the reason we're going to close this place down!
CUT TO:
ANGLE ON STAN, RICHIE, AND SUSAN - IN RINK
Stan and Susan limber up on the railing, stretching their legs. Richie paces back and forth and counts out.
RICHIE
One and two and one and two ---
STAN
That's enough.
RICHIE
Push yourselves and one and two ---
STAN
Ouch!
RICHIE
If you want to be the champs you gotta push. Go that extra mile.
Just then:
BOBBY BLUE (o.s.)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a special surprise: three-time world champion rhythm roller skater, the fabulous, the incomparable, the one and only … Maurice Cook!
Stan, Richie, and Susan look out to the middle of the rink.
Int. RINK
The other skaters spread out as Maurice Cook skates into the middle of the rink. (Maurice's routine) His routine use a basketball, boxing moves, karate, and disco dancing. He is class.
ANGLE ON STAN (INTERCUT WITH ROUTINE)
He is fascinated. Maurice is the best.
BACK TO ROUTINE
Maurice's routine ends. There is thunderous applause.
BOBBY BLUE (o.s.)
The fabulous Maurice Cook. Let's hear it for him.
Maurice skates around the rink to the applause of the other skaters. He passes Stan and the others.
REVEAL
Stan is applauding enthusiastically. Richie and Susan are equally impressed.
STAN
Now that's a real champ.
Richie throws a towel over Stan's shoulders.
STAN
If I could be a tenth as good as Maurice I could win this contest.
RICHIE
Well you are, my boy. A tenth, possible a seventh. In any case, you're going to win. I can see it now. Girls lining up at your dressing room door. Trophies, TV contracts, glitter, and the glamor. We got the costume, the confidence, and the conditioning. Nothing can stop us now!
CUT TO:
EXT. SKATE TOWN - NIGHT
As if in response to Richie's words, a gang skates through the amusement area of the pier. They disrupt the games that are in progress. They skate down the pier toward Skate Town to a disco version of the Jet song from West Side Story.
Ext. SKATE TOWN - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
They skate through the entrance.
INT. MERRY-GO-ROUND
The gang skates around the merry-go-round and gets enveloped in a flash of light.
int. TICKET BOOTH
The gang skates past.
HARVEY
Ace, wait! Pay! You didn't ---
The gang is out of earshot.
HARVEY
Pay.
(to himself)
I'll let you rape my grandmother.
Harvey sits down in the booth. It's no use.
HARVEY
Headache.
Int. RINK - THE GANG
Skates down the ramp to the rink floor. They begin racing around the circumference of the rink. They bump people out of the way, trip some skaters, and drive everyone else off the rink. Once the gang has cleared the floor, they skate to the center of the rink.
ANGLE - THE GANG
Does its choreographed dance routine. It is a combination of macho moves and karate kicks and punches.
INTERCUT
The gang dancing and Harvey, in his office, watching them on his closed-circuit TV.
HARVEY'S OFFICE
Harvey is sitting at his desk, watching the TV, and shaking his head.
HARVEY
(to himself)
If God wanted us to do that we'd have been born with wheels instead of toes.
In the background, a pleasant Andre Kostelanitz-type music is playing. Harvey can't hear the disco music where he is. He can, however, hear his beeper, which suddenly sets up a racket. Harvey panics. He jumps up, goes to his closet, takes off his fancy jacket, and puts on a burlap coat with holes in it and lining hanging down. He flips off the music. He strews some empty bottles of cheap wine around. The beeping is growing louder and more insistent. Harvey pitches his fresh flowers out the window, and replaces them with wilted, dead ones. He turns all of his wall photos against the wall. On their backs is another picture, glass cracked and ugly. Harvey brings out a shoe-shine chair, and sets it up in a prominent spot in the room. He then presses a button.
INSERT
A little gate opens up, uncovering a hole in the wall at floor level. A rat looks out.
HARVEY
sticks an unlit cigar butt in his mouth. He puts on a pair of glasses held together by string. By now, the beeping of the pager is nearly intolerable. Harvey looks around to see that everything is the way he wants it, then grabs for the beeper to shut it off. He fumbles with it briefly, then finds the switch. Looking around for a place to secret it, he decides upon the waste basket.
ANGLE - HARVEY AND THE OFFICE DOOR
as Harvey dives for the waste basket. As soon as he has hidden the beeper, Agnes barges right in. She is middle-aged, with a battle-axe demeanor. She is carrying a suitcase. Harvey manages to look surprised that Agnes is there.
AGNES
Well, Harvey, I brought the rest of your belongings.
Harvey pretends to be rummaging through the waste basket.
AGNES
What are you doing?
HARVEY
Oh, hello, Agnes. I was just looking for something to eat. Care for a shoe shine?
Agnes walks across the office and tosses the suitcase on Harvey's desk.
AGNES
If I'm not mistaken, I think I passed a hooker on my way in here.
HARVEY
She's probably saying the same thing about you to one of her friends.
Harvey straightens up and starts going through the belongings Agnes has returned. He holds up a watch; it's broken. A pipe rack; it's broken. A tie; it's burned. A bowling ball; it's cracked in half. He picks up a record sleeve, turns it opening down, and pieces of vinyl pour out. As Harvey peruses his precious things, Agnes rants at him.
AGNES
I'm going to get you in court, buster. I'm telling them about that night in Scranton with that dwarf cleaning lady. That's mental anguish, my friend. And the time you put the yogurt in my brassiere? Not funny.
HARVEY
And I'll tell them how for two years I never got a bill from the gardener or the TV repairman. Explain that. And what about when we visited your uncle and you spent all that time in the barn with the bulls?
Agnes turns and storms to the door.
AGNES
You're impossible. I'm glad you're doing so poorly here.
HARVEY
If you find any more of my belongings, try to keep Orson Welles from sitting on them.
Agnes exits and slams the door. Harvey takes the cigar butt out of his mouth. He flips on his pleasant music, takes out a beautiful long expensive cigar, puts it in his mouth, and lights it with a fancy lighter that he pull out of the desk.
INT. SKATE TOWN DANCE FLOOR
The gang's disco number ends and they roll off the floor.
ANGLE ON STAN AND RICHIE
They watch the gang as they skate past them. One gang member turns over some drinks on a table. The people at the table are doused with soda.
BACK TO STAN
STAN
Wow! They're really into their fantasy, aren't they?
RICHIE
(worried)
Yeah.
They watch the gang skate away.
int. CONTESTANT TABLE - THE GANG
The gang skates up to the table. They are all tough-looking characters, even the girls with them. The leader, Ace, a real wise-guy, goes to the head of the line.
ACE
Make way! Make way!
He grabs the contestant sign-up clipboard from little Jimmy. He clanks his helmet on the table to get the attention of the others in line.
ACE
Attention! Attention! My name is Ace, and I just happen to be the best skater in the city.
(to Jimmy)
Isn't that right, Jimmy, my boy?
He squeezes Jimmy tightly.
JIMMY
Anything you say, Ace.
ACE
So, it might be in all of your best interests — and health — to butt out of the contest. Got it?
The line of would-be contestants look at him nervously.
ACE
(louder)
Got it?
The line disperses.
ACE
That's better. Now I can sign up.
Ace takes out an ink pad and stamp. He stamps the ink pad and then applies the stamp to the paper on the clipboard.
ANGLE ON PAPER
The stamp reads: "Ace: Best Skater in L.A." There are only three names above his.
BACK TO SCENE
Ace takes the clipboard and stalks away. The gang follows.
ACE
Let's see who we got here.
JIMMY
Ace, we need that sign-up sheet for the contestants.
ACE
There ain't going to be any more contestants.
(looks at paper)
Astaire; he's over the hill. Pistol Pete stinks.
They get to a table. Alphonse, one of the gang members, dusts off Ace's seat and puts a pillow on it. Ace sits down. The other gang members gather around. Jimmy stands by.
ACE
He's a nothing. He's a nothing. He's a …
(staring at sheet)
Who's this guy — Stan Nelson? Huh?
JIMMY
He's a new guy. I never seen him before, Ace.
Ace hands Jimmy the clipboard forcefully.
ACE
Well, you go find Mr. Stan Nelson and tell him Ace and the boys would like to make his acquaintance.
Int. DJ BOOTH
BOBBY BLUE
Don't forget the snack bar for tummy yummy food and drink.
ANGLE ON SNACK STAND
The hot dogs on the rotisserie are burnt. Ben sends Ripple out to Der Wienerschnitzel. The line of people waiting for root beer refills is getting longer. They stand in a stupor. Ben takes a sip of root beer and wipes his sweating brow.
Int. RINK
Jimmy skates up to Richie, Susan, and Stan as they lean against the railing.
JIMMY
Excuse me. Is your name Stan Nelson?
STAN
That's right.
JIMMY
Well, I have a message for you. There's a group of guys over there who want to meet you. He points to Ace and the gang.
ANGLE ON ACE AND THE GANG - STAN'S POV
Ace and the gang smile innocently.
BACK TO STAN
Jimmy talks out of the side of his mouth while smiling at Ace.
JIMMY
If I were you I'd find an excuse not to go.
STAN
(to Richie)
I get it. The old psyche-out routine. Come on Richie, Susan.
Stan skates away. Richie is a little apprehensive. He and Susan skate after Stan. Jimmy remains looking a little worried.
ANGLE ON THE GANG
They sit around the table. Stan skates up to them, Richie and Susan join him. Stan is really into his character.
STAN
Is someone looking for me?
ACE
Yeah, pretty boy. It is I, Ace. It's a distinct pleasure to have you here. Would you do me the honor of sitting at my table?
RICHIE
Gee, thanks Ace for the invitation, but we got some strategy we got to work out. You understand ---
ACE
Sit down!
Stan smiles and hops over the railing. Richie and Susan walk around and apprehensively sit next to him. Ace smiles, malevolently.
ACE
Pretty boy, this is the gang. Gang, this is pretty boy.
STAN
(to gang)
Hello, gang.
The gang lets out one collective grunt.
STAN
Gang, this is my manager, Richie. Richie, this is the gang.
Richie tries to say something but all that comes out is a nervous, voice-breaking sound.
STAN
And this is my sister Susan.
Ace takes a couple of cigarettes out of a pack. Susan tries to act tough.
ACE
Have a cig.
Stan takes it and starts to reach into his vest pocket for a match. As he does, the gang begins to lunge for him. Stan pulls out a lighter and shows the gang.
ACE
Cool down, boys. Pretty boy here is only being mannerly.
Ace leans over to Stan. Stan lights the middle of Ace's cigarette, ruining it. Stan then lights his own cigarette and hands it to Ace.
STAN
Here. Have mine. I don't smoke: bad for the lungs.
Ace smiles and takes the cigarette. The scene takes on the flavor of a old-time Western show-down.
ACE
I like your style. You any good?
STAN
I get around.
ACE
So do I.
STAN
That's funny. I never heard of you.
ACE
(pissed)
You ever heard of the Venice Vigilante?
STAN
Sure. Fast, good moves, the best on the coast.
ACE
(smiling)
Used to be the best on the coast. They use to be the best. Now, I'm the best.
Ace snaps his fingers.
ACE
Skates!
Franky hands him a box. Ace shows Stan his skates. They are black leather, polished with silver studs on them.
ACE
Look at those, pretty boy. Handmade. Maybe you just better hang up your skates and go home.
STAN
So that's how it is? You want me out of town?
ACE
Nicely put.
STAN
What are you scared of, Ace?
ACE
Scared?
STAN
Yeah. You got the best skates, you say you're the best skater — why play with a stacked deck?
ACE
I like the odds better.
STAN
You're holding all the aces, Ace.
ACE
I got the whole deck, pal. What you got without the bullshit?
STAN
You calling?
ACE
Why should I?
STAN
'Cause maybe I got a better hand.
ACE
You can't beat aces.
STAN
Maybe I got a royal flush.
Ace is getting angry.
ACE
You're bluffing.
STAN
I don't bluff.
They stare at each other. Tension is thick in the air. Ace is angry. Stan remains poker-faced. Ace regains his composure.
ACE
(laughing)
Hey, this guy is a real card, a real joker. Get it? Card? Joker?
He pokes Franky in the ribs and the gang members start to laugh.
ALPHONSE (o.s.)
Hey, boss. Look what I found.
Everyone looks over to the side.
ANGLE ON ALPHONSE
Alphonse holds someone behind him. We can't see who it is.
ALPHONSE
I found her skating in the parking lot. Alphonse presents Allison. She looks at Ace, shyly.
ANGLE ON STAN
It's she. He is surprised, bewildered, in love.
BACK TO GROUP
Ace looks at her.
ACE
What the hell are you doing here, little sister?
ANGLE ON STAN
He is amazed that his vision is Ace's sister.
BACK TO GROUP
ALLISON
Skating.
ACE
Very funny. I'll talk to you later. Now sit down over there with Franky and stay put or you know what'll happen.
This strikes a chord in Allison. She walks around to her seat submissively. Just then:
BOBBY BLUE (o.s.)
Stop watcha doing, 'cause the big surprise of the evening is at hand. Skate your eyes over to the bandstand.
Everyone looks out over to the bandstand.
ANGLE ON BOBBY BLUE
BOBBY BLUE
Let's have a big welcome for the Beach Boys!
Int. BANDSTAND
The curtains part and the Beach Boys start to play a song. The song has something to do with love, preferably love at first sight, something to do with the moment that Stan and Allison are having.
INTERCUT - STAN, ALLISON, AND THE GANG
Stan and Allison look at each other. Allison is somewhat shy. Ace watches them angrily. Richie is wondering what is going on. The lyrics of the Beach Boys' song tell the story. Susan and Franky are also looking at each other dreamily. As the Beach Boys play the tune, Allison and Stan look at each other and imagine themselves dancing together.
BRIEF CHOREOGRAPHED DANCE SEQUENCE
ANGLE ON THE BANDSTAND
The group finishes the song and there is a round of applause. Elliot, the band manager, applauds from the side of the stage.
ANGLE ON GANG TABLE
Everyone applauds. Stan is still looking at Allison.
ACE
Everyone's getting kind of friendly, here. You two know each other?
Stan and Allison continue to look at each other.
ACE
Well you better stop knowing each other!
RICHIE
(whispered, to Stan)
Let's get out of here, Stan.
Richie pulls Stan up and they start to skate away.
ACE
Remember what I said, pretty boy? Stan stops and leans back to the table.
STAN
(to Allison)
I'm going to win this contest. And I'm going to win it for you.
Allison is flattered. Stan skates away smiling back at her.
Franky
(to Ace)
He's not going to win the contest; you are.
ACE
Don't worry, Franky. I'm going to win it. We'll fix pretty boy but good.
Allison looks on concerned. Ace turns to her.
ACE
What was all that about?
Allison
Nothing.
Ace puts his arm around her.
ACE
You bet it was nothing.
Allison shrugs his arm off her shoulder.
ACE
Don't worry, boys. I'm going to take care of this contest business once and for all.
Int. SNACK STAND
Ace skates past the snack stand. There is a mad rush on root beer. Ben and Ripple are beside themselves with orders that are coming fast and furious.
CUSTOMER
Root beer!
RIPPLE
Small, medium, or large?
CUSTOMER
All three.
INT. HARVEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Elliot is on the phones. Three llamas stand among the boxes of food and other paraphernalia that Elliot has for the band.
ELLIOT
That's a liverwurst sandwich with banana on a hot dog bun. Hold the mayo. Right.
Elliot pushes another button.
ELLIOT
Yeah, the llamas are the right sex, but they're not in the bus. Right. They do no good in the office here.
Just then, Harvey runs into the office. He gingerly walks around the llamas, examining them.
HARVEY
Why are they so small? What are they, Shetland camels?
(to llama)
Are you paper-trained? You better be, or I'll make a parka out of you.
(surveys the scene)
Headache.
Harvey crosses to Elliot, interrupting one of his calls.
ELLIOT
Yeah, what is it?
HARVEY
I was wondering if I could use one of my phones?
Elliot rolls his eyes. He can't believe he is being asked to relinquish one of his phone lines.
ELLIOT
How long you going to be?
HARVEY
Thanks. I'll never forget this.
Harvey crosses to his desk and picks up the phone, punching a button to get a clear line. He dials.
HARVEY
(into phone)
Al? Harvey. Listen, what have you got for me? It doesn't matter what kind of scam it is, I just want to make a buck. But you've got to do better than last time. Now, what can you offer me? Uh huh. I see. A retired home massage parlor for people over eighty. Yeah, that's a possibility. What's this stuff you sent over? Uh huh ---
Harvey picks up a small disc attached to what appear to be teeth braces. Jimmy walks in, sits in the corner, and listens in on Harvey's conversation.
HARVEY
I see, it's an oral smoke alarm.
He fits it into his mouth, then removes it. He nods.
HARVEY
-- For people who want to stop smoking. The alarm goes off in their mouth if they start to inhale? Yeah, count me in on that. What about this other thing, Al?
Harvey holds up a tiny vacuum cleaner about the size of a pen.
HARVEY
-- Yeah, that's it. A personal hygiene vacuum cleaner? I gotcha. Cleans any hole in your body. vacuums out your nose, belly button, all of them. Yeah, maybe. What else? A do-it-yourself burial kit? Yeah, a black shovel, yeah, a casket out of vegetable crates? Uh huh. Freeze-dried embalming fluid. I'll think it over. Talk to you later, Al.
Harvey hangs up. Jimmy comes over to him.
JIMMY
Dad, why are you always promoting these sleazy, crazy deals?
HARVEY
For you, son. All for you.
Harvey leans back in his chair, looks at the ceiling with misty eyes.
HARVEY
Maybe someday, I'll be the Parent Magazine Father of the Year. There's a one thousand dollar prize that goes with it.
Harvey stands and crosses to a mirror.
HARVEY
Mirror, mirror, on the wall — send me an Arab to buy this place.
ELLIOT (o.s.)
Hey, are you done with the phone? Harvey sneers at Elliot over his shoulder. There is a knock at the door.
ACE (o.s.)
Harvey?
HARVEY
I think so.
Ace walks in, sidestepping all the junk around him. Ace is not whom Harvey wants to see.
HARVEY
Oh, hello Ace.
ACE
Hi, Harvey, good buddy. What a night, huh?
HARVEY
(moans)
Yeah.
ACE
Can I speak to you privately?
They walk into the bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM
The bathroom is packed with more of Elliot's things: live chickens, a blow-up vinyl woman, etc. Under the bathroom stall door, we see a chimp's legs dangling down with skates on the feet. Harvey looks at the legs.
HARVEY
Honey, is that you?
Harvey puts on his tuxedo jacket.
ACE
I hear you're going to be judging the contest tonight.
HARVEY
If I can wade through my own office, I will.
ACE
Well, you know I'm entering. I think I'm the winner.
HARVEY
I wish you the best.
We hear the chimp stall toilet flush. Harvey turns toward the stall.
HARVEY
(to chimp)
Clean up and I'll give you a banana.
Ace helps Harvey with his tie.
ACE
Yeah, I sure would be disappointed if by some stupid chance another contestant should happen to beat me because of a judge's error in judgment.
HARVEY
Don't you worry. I'll judge this thing fair and square.
ACE
Good, because I would hate to see this lovely place look like the sequel to "Towering Inferno."
Harvey suddenly acts tough.
HARVEY
Ace, are you threatening me?
ACE
Yes.
Harvey is meek again.
HARVEY
That's what I thought.
Harvey looks at Ace. Ace adjusts Harvey's tie again. this time a little too tight.
HARVEY
Were you ever with the Nixon Administration? This is just a contest. You get a trophy, a few bucks; it's kid's stuff.
ACE
Let's just say I'm still young at heart.
HARVEY
(whispering)
Headache.
There is a knock at the door.
JIMMY (o.s.)
Dad?
HARVEY
What?
JIMMY (o.s.)
I've got to talk with you.
HARVEY
Later.
JIMMY (o.s.)
I've got to talk with you now.
HARVEY
(annoyed)
Come in.
Jimmy comes in and spots Ace and motions to his father.
JIMMY
Dad, can we speak in private?
Harvey looks around and they both go into the shower. Harvey closes the door.
INT. SHOWER
HARVEY
Now, what's so important that it can't wait a few minutes?
JIMMY
The Citizen's Committee is coming to see the office.
HARVEY
The Citizen's Committee? The old broad who's such a prude she's got a burglar alarm between her knees?
JIMMY
Yes, sir.
HARVEY
And her husband, who hasn't been sexually aroused since Germany invaded Poland?
JIMMY
Yes, sir.
HARVEY
The same ones who want to close us down?
JIMMY
Yes, sir.
HARVEY
They're coming to this office?
JIMMY
Yes.
HARVEY
Tonight?
JIMMY
Any second.
Harvey feigns calmness.
HARVEY
Doesn't bother me.
(back to panic)
Well, what are you standing there for? Go stall them, quick!
INT. BATHROOM
They race out of the shower stall. Ace turns around and starts to talk.
ACE
Harvey ---
ACE
You stay here. Don't come out. I'll be right back.
Harvey and Jimmy race out the bathroom door.
INT. HARVEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Harvey runs around the office shooing the llamas into the bathroom. He tosses boxes in back of his desk. Elliot is still busy on the phones.
ELLIOT
-- Two baseball gloves, a chemistry set, and some training bras, I don't know what size. They're for the llamas.
Elliot sits on Harvey's swivel chair with the phone on his lap. Harvey wheels Elliot, the chair, and the phone into a closet. Just then he spots the Citizen's Committee outside the window. Jimmy is trying to stall them. He takes one last look around the room as he straightens his jacket and calms himself down. Just then he spots a tall marijuana plant in a vase. The card on the plant says "HAPPY SMOKING." Harvey frantically runs around with the plant and finally shoves it into a file cabinet and closes the drawer just as the Committee comes in. He sits on the cabinet and smiles.
HARVEY
Good evening. Welcome to Skate Town U.S.A. I hope your visit with us is a pleasant one and all your needs and personal ---
The leader of the bunch, Mrs. Elvira McCormick, interrupts. She is backed by her husband and another woman.
ELVIRA
Cut it, Mr. Ross. We all know why we're here so perhaps we could do without a speech.
Harvey pastes on a smile over an obvious sneer.
ELVIRA
I believe you know my husband, Murray.
HARVEY
Yes, Murray. Didn't I lend you my raincoat in the Pussycat Theater? Just kidding.
ELVIRA
And this is Mrs. Thorndike.
They nod without smiling.
ELVIRA
We represent the Society to Trounce out Ugly Filth and Fornication in our Youth — S.T.U.F.F.Y.
THORNDIKE
S.T.U.F.F.Y is very concerned about your establishment, Mr. Ross.
HARVEY
Well, I assure you there is nothing to be concerned about. So, if we can retired to the lobby ---
MURRAY
We have testimony to the contrary.
ELVIRA
There are a lot of strange things going on here. My knee was personally attacked on the way in.
Just then, the closet door opens and Elliot can be seen talking quietly in the closet.
MURRAY
We plan to get to the bottom of this.
THORNDIKE
Yes. According to our sources, this is a gay hangout with drugs, sex, booze, and prostitution.
Harvey nonchalantly walks over to the closet door and slams it shut. He turns and address the group with phony indignation.
HARVEY
What do you mean, booze? Mrs. Thorndike! I am appalled by your insinuations.
THORNDIKE
You mean you deny them?
HARVEY
No, I'm simply appalled.
Just then, the llamas start kicking the door to the bathroom. All eyes turn to Harvey.
HARVEY
Construction. We're always improving the place. We're decorating the urinal.
ELVIRA
Well, Mr. Ross. We are here to inspect your establishment, and if it doesn't meet our community standards of ethics, I am sure the City Council will revoke your license.
HARVEY
Go right ahead. Skate Town U.S.A. has nothing to hide.
He hits the top of the file cabinet for emphasis, and the drawer glides open. The leaves of a marijuana plant spring out of the top of the drawer. Harvey quickly conceals the plant, stuffing it back into the file cabinet.
HARVEY
Jimmy, escort these fine people around the place while I get ready for our contest.
JIMMY
Sure, Dad. Right this way, please.
Jimmy and the people from S.T.U.F.F.Y. leave. Harvey takes this brief time-out to sit on the desk, take a shot glass of liquor and begin to sip. Just then, the door to the bathroom crashes to the floor and the llamas gallop into the room. Ace follows them, talking to Harvey while Elliot leaves the closet speaking a mile a minute. Harvey looks up to the heavens.
HARVEY
Headache! Headache! Headache!
EXT. SKATE TOWN - NIGHT
Stan is practicing his routine in the parking lot. Richie sits on the hood of a car watching the hookers lead the Disco Doctor.
STAN
You know, Richie. I think I'm going to win this thing.
RICHIE
Well, maybe.
STAN
(skating)
Maybe? What happened to the ol' positive thinking?
RICHIE
Winning isn't everything.
STAN
But what about the girls? All those pretty girls flocking around you because you manage the champ?
RICHIE
A lot of good it's going to do me in a wheel chair.
STAN
Don't worry about Ace and those creeps. Where's your sense of challenge?
RICHIE
I left it back home with my sense of bravery and courage. Where's your sense of smarts? That's what I wanna know? Making eyes at the sister of Charlie Manson in there. Stan laughs and continues skating.
Richie hears some commotion to the side. He looks over.
Ext. BAND BUS - RICHIE'S POV
Elliot leads a line of delivery men into the bus. The llamas enter, beautiful girls follow.
BACK TO STAN AND RICHIE
RICHIE
Would you look at that? Come on. Let's go take a peek.
STAN
Naw. I'm going to practice. Go ahead.
RICHIE
Be back.
Richie takes off. Stan continues circling the area. He does a few spins and then spots something. Allison stands right before him. Stan stops.
ALLISON
I just came out here to tell you to be careful, OK? Stan smiles and shakes his head, yes.
ALLISON
So be careful.
She starts to skate away. Stan skates after her.
STAN
Wait! Where are you going? I've been wanting to talk to you all night.
ALLISON
(abruptly)
I can't stay.
STAN
Wait!
She stops.
ALLISON
Listen. I have to get back. My parents grounded me and if Ace even suspected I was out here talking to you he'd tell them and I'd be locked in my house all summer. Anyway, what's the use? Can't you see we're star-crossed lovers? We're from different worlds: you're from the Valley and I'm from Santa Monica. It'll never work.
She skates away.
STAN
Sure it can work ---
Allison doesn't stop.
ALLISON
I've just got to get back.
STAN
(yelling)
I meant what I said about winning for you.
Allison smiles to herself as she disappears into Skate Town.
ANOTHER ANGLE
Stan watches Allison as she skates away. determinately, he circles the parking area and tries a spin in the air. He loses his balance slightly as he comes down.
MAURICE (o.s.)
Try taking off a little later.
Stan looks around. He doesn't spot anybody.
STAN
Is someone talking to me?
MAURICE (o.s.)
Yeah. You took off too soon. You didn't have time to recover.
Stan curiously circles around a van.
STAN'S POV - ON VAN AND MAURICE
The back double doors of the van are open and we can see a pair of legs sticking out from below. Finally, we see it is the old pro — Maurice.
ANOTHER ANGLE - ON MAURICE AND STAN
Stan is surprised. Maurice is just finishing a snack in the back of the van. He continues to talk.
MAURICE
It's all in the timing. You got to get the right feel, the right rhythm. Here.
Stan listens. Maurice stands up, puts down his sandwich, and demonstrates the spin to Stan. It is perfect.
STAN
That was beautiful.
MAURICE
You try now.
Stan takes off. He is still a little wobbly. Maurice skates up to him.
MAURICE
No no no. Listen here son. You got the right equipment and talent but if you want to really be a champ you got to have the right attitude.
STAN
Attitude?
MAURICE
Yeah. It's all in the attitude. What you think you can do. Can you do a double twist?
STAN
(embarrassed)
Not ---
MAURICE
(interrupting)
I said, can you do a double twist?
STAN
(confused)
Not too well, but ---
MAURICE
You can do a double twist. It's all in the attitude.
Disco music begins to filter out of the rink.
MAURICE
Come on now. Follow me. Get cocky. Repeat after me: I can do it.
ANOTHER ANGLE - DANCE ROUTINE
Maurice and Stan begin a dance routine. Stan follows Maurice to the side. He copies what Maurice is doing. They strut around on the skates. Maurice implores him to be more self-assured. The music continues. Stan and Maurice are into the routine. Stan is gaining confidence.
MAURICE
Now, a double.
Stan attempts a double twist. He can do it. He is amazed. They finish the routine with a handshake. Just then, Bobby Blue's voice comes through the outside speaker.
BOBBY BLUE (o.s.)
Stop whatcha doing! Get ready, get set, it's time for more exciting exhibitions of pure roller magic.
MAURICE
(to Stan)
That's my cue.
Maurice grabs some black garments from his van and rolls toward the entrance.
MAURICE
I'll be seeing you, son.
STAN
Thanks a lot.
MAURICE
You remember what I taught you. It's all in the attitude.
Maurice skates away. Stan watches him with a smile.
int. DJ BOOTH
BOBBY BLUE
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the _________________________________.
Int. RINK
Another group of exhibitionists come on the rink floor and begin to perform.
Int. SNACK STAND
A line of slow-moving people await root beer refills. Ben is dipping onto the root beer himself. He pours a cup, takes a sip from the top, pours some more in the cup, and gives it to the customer. Ben holds out his hand for the customer's change. The customer misses Ben's hand and it falls to the counter. Ben takes the invisible money in his hand and puts it into the cash register.
Int. LOUNGE AREA - Ripple
Ripple takes a load of root beers on a tray and pogo sticks to a table nearby.
ANGLE ON S.T.U.F.F.Y. PEOPLE - AT TABLE
Ripple places the root beers around the table. They talk about religion and the deprivation of youth.
ANGLE ON DJ - PASSING BY IN A CART
He sprinkles some confetti on the S.T.U.F.F.Y. people.
BOBBY BLUE
Have a good time, kiddies.
BACK TO SCENE
The S.T.U.F.F.Y. people dust off the confetti. They take a sip of their drinks. Harvey comes up and tries to sweet-talk them. It won't work.
Int. RINK
The group finishes its routine. In the foreground, Eleanor skates through.
ELEANOR
Irwin!
ANOTHER ANGLE
Eleanor skates toward Irwin. She can't stop. Irwin braces to catch her.
IRWIN
Right here, dear.
Eleanor crashes into Irwin and they both hit the deck. They struggle to their feet.
IRWIN
Eleanor. I thought I'd lost you forever.
ELEANOR
Oh, Irwin.
IRWIN
I was attacked by a madman who made me crawl ---
Irwin takes a black afro comb out of Eleanor's hair.
IRWIN
-- What's this?
ELEANOR
Oh, it's a comb. Donald gave it to me.
IRWIN
Donald?
Just then, Eleanor is swept away as her arm locks with a skater whizzing by.
IRWIN
Eleanor!
Irwin starts to go after her. Just then, Bobby Blue announces:
BOBBY BLUE (o.s.)
Would everyone please clear once again for the fabulous Maurice Cook.
Irwin skates back off the rink.
Int. RINK - Another Angle
The lights dim down and Maurice skates down the ramp in a simulated Darth Vader outfit. He does a routine with a light-sword.
ANGLE ON STAN, RICHIE, AND SUSAN
Stan skates up behind Richie and Susan who are watching the routine. Richie looks back at Stan.
RICHIE
Hey pal. I was about to call ---
STAN
Shush.
Stan is watching Maurice.
BACK TO MAURICE
He continues his routine and finishes to a sustained applause.
REACTION SHOTS
Stan, Richie, and Susan applaud. Ace and the gang and Allison applaud. The S.T.U.F.F.Y. people are coming on to the pills. They begin to applaud slowly.
Int. BANDSTAND
Harvey walks up to the microphone.
HARVEY
That was the great Maurice Cook, ladies and gentlemen.
More applause.
HARVEY
Now it's time for the first annual Skate Town U.S.A. Disco Roller Skating Contest. First off, I'd like to thank you all for observing our stringent rules on drugs, liquor ---
Harvey reaches into a pocket and pulls out a card, from which he reads.
HARVEY
-- Sex, arson, rape, wife beating, sodomy, bestiality, and other common misdemeanors at roller rinks.
Harvey glances over at the S.T.U.F.F.Y. folks.
ANGLE ON S.T.U.F.F.Y.
They are getting silly. They are giggling.
HARVEY HARVEY
Tonight our contestants will compete in two events: The singles and the mixed doubles.
Harvey is self-conscious about telling a joke.
HARVEY
You know what mixed doubles are: Catholics skating with Jews.
(clears his throat)
So without further ado, contestants, take the floor.
The audience applauds.
ANGLE ON STAN, RICHIE, AND SUSAN
Stan rolls out toward the bandstand. Richie and Susan give him a pat on the back.
ANGLE ON ACE, THE GANG, AND ALLISON
Ace is patted on the back by all. Allison watches Stan as he rolls toward the bandstand. Ace rods toward Franky and Alphonse. Franky and Alphonse get up from their seats and skate away. Allison watches them go, suspicious.
Int. BANDSTAND
The skaters stand next to the bandstand as Harvey walks back up to the mike. Jimmy stands in back of him with the trophies. As Harvey reaches to touch the mike, it goes into feedback.
HARVEY
I guess the Alien has entered this event. Moving on, next, the freestyle. Please welcome our first contestant, Astaire.
Int. RINK
Astaire skates into the middle of the rink to a polite round of applause. His routine is a combination of tap dance and disco. He is dressed in black tie, tuxedo, and tails. He has a high hat and cane.
Int. BANDSTAND - Ace
Ace gives a nod for Alphonse and Franky to do their dirty work.
Int. RINK
Astaire's routine is cute but not too flashy. He is doing pretty well. Suddenly, Astaire awkwardly grabs his neck, throwing off his timing.
SIDELINES
Alphonse and Franky are shooting peas out of a straw at Astaire.
Int. RINK
Astaire's dance becomes a choreographed comic dance because of the flying peas. He almost falls and finally bows as the music comes to an end. He seems confused as he skates off the rink.
HARVEY (o.s.)
Thank you, Astaire, and thank you, Gerald Ford, for the choreography.
Harvey laughs, but stops abruptly.
HARVEY (o.s.)
That was really quite interesting.
ACE
smiles.
THE GANG
They are laughing. Allison watches them snicker. She is confused.
HARVEY
A little five-year-old Girl comes up to Harvey and tugs on the hem of his coat. Harvey looks down.
GIRL
Can you tell me where the men's room is?
HARVEY
You mean the ladies' room?
GIRL
No, my Daddy passed out in the men's room.
HARVEY
Is your dad a monkey?
(to Jimmy)
Jimmy, take care of this, please.
Jimmy takes the little Girl off.
HARVEY
And now, our second contestant; Pistol Pete.
Applause.
PETE
On the skating rink. He starts his Mexican Hat Dance routine. It is quite good. Every so often, he is hit with a pea and his timing is thrown off.
PEA SHOOTERS
Alphonse and Franky with their straws.
STAN
He senses something is wrong as he watches Pistol Pete twitching.
PETE
He finishes his routine, grabbing his arm, then his leg, then his head. The crowd gives him a round of applause.
HARVEY
HARVEY
Our next contestant is ---
The sound system goes out. Harvey starts doing sign language, then hand shadows. The sound comes back on.
HARVEY
-- Ace.
ANGLE ON GANG
They applaud furiously.
ANGLE ON ACE
Ace does his routine. He uses a switchblade for effect. He does a mock knife fight and is actually very good. A violent satire. The routine ends as Ace splits down on the floor, thrusting his knife into an imaginary victim. The crowd applauds.
REACTION SHOT
The gang jumps up and down. Allison applauds for her brother. Richie and Susan politely applaud. Stan applauds.
ACE
skates past Stan and smiles.
ACE
Beat that, pretty boy.
Stan smiles, accepting the challenge.
ANGLE ON BANDSTAND
HARVEY
Thank you, Ace. You're a credit to the human race. And now, our final contestant for the singles competition is Stan Nolan.
ANGLE ON STAN
He skates out into the middle of the rink.
STAN
(to himself)
Attitude. He starts his routine.
Everything Stan does is for Allison, and he plays the routine toward her. He smiles at her during the routine. Allison smiles back. Stan does a double twist in the air. He really has the attitude.
ANGLE ON Franky
He is holding a mirror in his hand. He reflects the disco lights with the mirror into Stan's eyes.
STAN
is skating around the rink. His smile fades quickly as the light reflected from Franky's mirror strikes his eyes.
STAN'S POV
The glare of the blinding light. Stan throws his hands up to cover his face. He then loses his balance and falls to the ground. The crowd moans.
ANGLE ON REACTIONS
Allison looks concerned. Richie and Susan look disappointed. Ace smirks. The gang howls.
ANGLE ON STAN
He picks himself up and skates over to Richie and Susan.
HARVEY (o.s.)
Tough luck, Stan. When a man has fallen down, he must remember to get up. You did that — congratulations.
Int. BANDSTAND
HARVEY
So the winner of our first event is — Ace!
ANGLE ON ACE
at the gang's table. He smiles and starts for the bandstand. The gang members yell and stomp. Allison politely applauds.
STAN
Richie meets Stan as he skates off the floor. Stan stares at Ace across the rink. The disco music stops.
RICHIE
What happened?
STAN
(knowingly)
Something blinded me.
ACE
He holds up a small gold trophy for all to see. He skates over to the gang's table. They all embrace and laugh.
Int. BANDSTAND
HARVEY
Jimmy, hand me that root beer. My throat is dry.
Harvey stands up to the microphone.
HARVEY
OK, that's the end of the first event. There is still one more event to go, so don't you losers get discouraged. Remember, Joan of Arc didn't give up even when her dress was on fire.
Jimmy hands Harvey a root beer, which Harvey swigs down. Harvey does a take as the chug-a-lugged root beer hits him. He grabs the microphone. At the top of his lungs, he sings:
HARVEY
I'm just a Rhinestone Cowboy —
(switching songs)
-- Did you ever get the feeling that you wanted to go, and then got the feeling that you wanted to stay? Wanted to go, wanted to stay. Go. Stay. Go. Stay.
Jimmy puts some smelling salts under Harvey's nose, and it snaps him out of it.
HARVEY
OK. Let's prepare for the mixed doubles contest.
ANGLE ON BANDSTAND - ACE AND HARVEY
Ace skates past the bandstand slowly. He catches Harvey's eye and smiles. Harvey smiles back with a sick expression.
ANGLE ON STAN, RICHIE, AND SUSAN
They stand near the railing. Richie is nervous. Stan is looking at Allison across the room. Ace skates by and smiles.
ACE
What happened, pretty boy? Get something in your eye?
Ace sees Allison looking at Stan and casts a threatening look. She has to look away from Stan. Ace skates away. Richie begins to pace.
RICHIE
I don't know, Stan. What's the use of going through with this contest? These guys are cheating. You could get hurt. And more importantly, as your manager, I could get hurt.
STAN
I'm gonna win this thing, Richie.
Int. DJ BOOTH
BOBBY BLUE
Get ready, get set, go! It's time for more roller disco.
Int. RINK
People pile out onto the rink. They skate around. Pistol Pete cuts in and out of the crowd exchanging articles of clothing.
ANGLE ON S.T.U.F.F.Y.
They are all moving and talking very deliberately.
ELVIRA
(slowly)
It's the work of the Devil.
THORNDIKE
Satan hath power over — ah — whatever.
ELVIRA
To the fight against Lucifer and for more root beer.
They clink their cups.
MURRAY
(to Ripple)
Hey, pal. More root beers.
Ripple spins a tiny motorcycle on the brim of his hat in acknowledgment. They all crack up laughing.
ANGLE ON IRWIN AND ELEANOR
Eleanor is about to fall down as she wobbles toward the railing.
ELEANOR
Irwin!
Irwin sees her coming and braces to catch her.
Int. SNACK BAR - SUSAN
Susan rolls through the lounge area and stops at the snack bar.
SUSAN
Root beer, please.
Ben somehow manages to pour her a root beer. Susan looks at all the slow-moving people around the bar. She takes her root beer and rolls back toward Stan and Richie. Just then, Franky steps out from the shadows.
Franky
Pssst!
Susan looks over at him as she takes a sip of root beer. She spots him. Franky motions for her to come over. She does.
SUSAN
What do you want? What did you do to my brother, huh?
Franky
It was Ace. Ace has gone crazy. He'll do anything to win this contest. I wanna get away from the guy but he says he'll kill anybody who tries to leave the gang.
SUSAN
(yawning)
Is that so?
Franky
Yeah. I'll tell you what he plans to do to you and your brother. But not here. He may see us. Outside.
Susan and Frankie roll toward the exit. Franky leans back and gives the "OK" sign to Alphonse who is lurking in the background. Alphonse smiles.
Int. DJ BOOTH
Bobby blue talks into the microphone.
BOBBY BLUE
And now, feast your eyes on the bandstand. It's Mr. Skate Town, Harvey Ross!
ANGLE ON HARVEY
Harvey walks up to the microphone. He picks up a golf trophy and holds it up for the crowd to see.
HARVEY
Here's the trophy that will go to the winner.
He examines it, puzzled.
HARVEY
It's Randy Doyle, the inventor of the skate key — at his favorite pastime, golf.
Harvey sets the trophy down.
HARVEY
Also, the winner will receive this carton of champagne.
Harvey holds up a milk-type carton that says "champagne" on the side.
HARVEY
And now, the final contest of the evening: mixed doubles. Our first couple is Pistol Pete and his lovely partner, Al Baxter. I'm sorry — Ellen Baxter.
Int. RINK
Pistol Pete and his partner are dancing. Suddenly, they are hit with peas and start to twitch.
ANGLE ON GANG MEMBERS
Shooting peas at Pistol Pete and Ellen.
ANGLE ON STAN AND RICHIE
They watch the action. Richie turns around, looking for Susan.
RICHIE
Where's Susan? How long does it take to get a root beer?
Int. RINK
Pistol Pete and Ellen are twitching to the peas.
EXT. SKATE TOWN
Susan and Franky lean against a car. Susan is spaced out by the root beer.
SUSAN
That's a real bummer, man. You know, I gotta get back soon.
(she yawns)
I have to be in the competition.
Franky takes her arm.
Franky
Wait.
He pretends to cry.
Franky
I didn't tell you that he beats me. Yes. He beats me all the time.
Susan puts a hand on his shoulder. She offers him a drink of root beer.
SUSAN
Now now. Don't cry. Here, have some root beer.
Franky takes a sip.
INT. SKATE TOWN
Astaire and his partner are getting pelted with peas. Their routine ends as Astaire falls to the ground in a heap.
ANGLE ON STAN
Richie runs up to him.
RICHIE
I can't find her.
STAN
Where could she be?
RICHIE
We should have never trusted her. She's the stupidest fifteen-year-old in the world.
Int. BANDSTAND
Harvey is about to speak. A seven-year-old boy tugs at his coat hem.
BOY
Can you tell me where the ladies' room is?
HARVEY
You mean the men's room?
BOY
No, the ladies' room. My mother's passed out in the ladies' room.
HARVEY
Was your sister up here before?
BOY
Yeah. She's with my dada in the men's room.
HARVEY
Jimmy, will you give this young man a map to the restrooms and a pillow to take to his family?
Jimmy leads the boy off. Harvey speaks into the microphone.
HARVEY
Now, our next contestants are Ace and his partner Charlene.
ACE AND CHARLENE
They skate from their table. The gang claps wildly in the background. The two do their routine. It isn't bad.
ANGLE ON IRWIN
Walking through the crowd.
IRWIN
Eleanor? Eleanor?
He stops near a phone booth. Just then, the Drug Dealer, who has snuck back into Skate Town, removes a Groucho Marx disguise and snaps a capsule of some drug under Irwin's nose. Irwin's eyes light up.
IRWIN
Medic! Medic! I've been hit!
Irwin runs off down the lobby. The Dealer calls after him.
DRUG DEALER
Hey, that's five-fifty, pal.
Int. Rink - ACE AND CHARLENE
They finish their routine and skate back to their table. The gang goes wild. Allison applauds. Just then Alphonse leans over to Ace.
ALPHONSE
Every thing's set. We just took care of pretty boy's sister. There's no way she's going to make this competition.
Ace smiles.
CLOSE-UP - ALLISON
She has overheard Alphonse's statement.
BOBBY BLUE
drives past her in his golf cart. He throws some confetti into the air.
CLOSE-UP - ALLISON
As the confetti falls down over her head, she comes to a decision.
Int. BANDSTAND - HARVEY
HARVEY
Our final contestant is Stan Nelson and his sister, Susan.
Int. RINK
The spotlight searches for Stan. The music starts.
EXT. SKATE TOWN - SUSAN AND Franky
They are both crying and holding onto each other. Richie races out to her.
RICHIE
Susan! Come on! You're on.
He tugs at her. She is in no condition to go anywhere. Richie looks at her disappointedely.
RICHIE
Oh, no.
INT. SKATE TOWN - HARVEY
Steps to the microphone as the music stops.
HARVEY
OK, Stan and Susan. if you are doing an Invisible Man impression, let us know. But when it comes to an Invisible Man impression, I can't see it. Once again, our final contestants in the mixed doubles are Stan and Susan Nelson. Come out, come out … wherever you are.
Int. RINK
The music comes back on and the spotlight searches for Stan and Susan.
ANGLE ON STAN
He looks around the rink nervously. He sighs, resigned to the fact that he can't go on. Just then a hand touches his shoulder. Stan turns around. It is Allison. She smiles up at him. He smiles at her.
ANGLE ON ACE
He is enjoying the proceedings. People around him mumble to each other as if to say "what's going on?" Just then, there is a burst of applause and Ace turns back toward the rink. His smile fades abruptly.
Int. RINK - STAN AND ALLISON
Stan and Allison skate into the middle of the rink.
BACK TO ACE
He turns around to see the empty seat. He's pissed.
BACK TO STAN AND ALLISON
Their routine is graceful. They are in love and it shows.
ANGLE ON ACE
He watches them menacingly.
ANGLE ON GANG MEMBER
He squats down with his pea shooter. He looks up at Ace as if to say "what should I do?"
BACK TO ACE
He motions for the gang member to start shooting.
ANGLE ON LEONARD
He crouches down near the railing and takes out his pea shooter. He shoots a few at Stan and Allison but misses.
ANGLE ON IRWIN AND THE DISCO DOCTOR
Just then, Irwin and the Disco Doctor peek over a table. Irwin is still in a drugged stupor and the Doctor is shell-shocked.
IRWIN
There's Charlie.
DISCO DOCTOR
I'll get him with my M-16. The
Doctor starts to take out a pretend rifle.
IRWIN
No, put that down you fool! I want him alive. Come on.
They crawl toward Leonard.
ANGLE ON LEONARD
He is shooting peas at Stan and Allison.
Int. Rink - STAN AND ALLISON
Stan senses something flying by his face. He skates right by Leonard.
ANGLE ON LEONARD
He waits.
LEONARD
(to himself)
That's right. Over here, pretty boy.
He is just about to hit Stan with a pea when Irwin and the Disco Doctor pounce on him. They drag him away. Irwin whispers to the Disco Doctor.
IRWIN
Get his gun.
The Disco Doctor goes back and retrieves the pea shooter. The routine ends and the audience applauds.
REACTION SHOTS
The audience is applauding. Richie smiles and applauds. S.T.U.F.F.Y. people applaud slowly.
ACE
is fuming.
Int. BANDSTAND AND RINK
All the contestants gather around. Harvey walks up to the spotlight. Ace and the gang skate up near the bandstand. Harvey looks down at the contestants. He spots Ace.
ACE
Ace strikes a match and smiles up at Harvey. He then lights a cigarette.
HARVEY
Harvey smiles nervously. He walks over to the microphone. Jimmy brings the trophy over to Harvey. Harvey keeps his eyes on Ace.
HARVEY
OK. There you have it. The mixed doubles competition and the end of our contest. Harvey starts to light a cigarette, but fumbles it to the floor.
HARVEY
(to himself)
I think I set fire to my nose hair.
(into mic)
First, let me say that all of you gave sparkling performances. The dancing was real hot, you all seemed fired up, like Towering Inferno.
Harvey gives a sick laugh.
SERIES OF SHOTS - CONTESTANTS
We see Pistol Pete, Eugene, Stan, Richie, and Allison.
HARVEY (o.s.)
It was a great match — and I know people will be talking about this contest even when Skate Town is no longer here.
ACE
Smiles up at Harvey.
HARVEY
HARVEY
So it is my privilege to announce the winner. It is my privilege to announce the winner. It is my privilege to announce the winner.
Harvey slaps himself to get off the broken record.
HARVEY
(courageously)
Stan and Susan Nelson.
STAN AND ALLISON
Embrace. Richie is included. The crowd applauds. The music starts up. Stan makes his way to the bandstand to collect the trophy.
ACE
looks up at Stan and Harvey. He is pissed. The rest of the gang is dejected.
ALPHONSE
You got robbed, Ace.
LEONARD
Yeah, it was a fix. Wasn't it, boss? It was a fix.
ACE
Yeah, it was a fix.
(yells)
Fix! Fix! Wait!
Ace and the gang skate up to the stage just as Stan is getting his trophy. Everyone turns around and watches Ace. Allison looks over at her brother.
ALLISON
Leave us alone, Ace. We won it fair.
ACE
You're in big trouble, little sister. I'll deal with you later.
(to all)
I say this is a fix. Harvey and pretty boy fixed this thing.
The crowd mumbles.
RICHIE
That's a lot of bull, Ace.
ACE
It was a fix. OK then, so you won one and I won one. Now let's decide this once and for all. I challenge you to a "chicken race" out on the pier, right now.
RICHIE
Don't do it Stan. You already won.
ACE
You can't be a coward and be number one.
ALLISON
Don't do it.
ACE
(to Allison)
You stay out of this.
(to Stan)
What do you say, pretty boy? Meet me out on the pier or I say you're a number one coward.
STAN
I'll make you a deal, Ace. If I lose you can have the trophy, but if I win, you gotta leave Allison alone.
ACE
It's a deal.
Allison is flattered.
EXT. SKATE TOWN - ON THE PIER
A vehicle ramp stretches up from the highway, down to the pier. Skate Town is in the background.
ANGLE ON ACE AND STAN
They look down the long ramp that leads to the pier and the ocean beyond.
ANGLE ON CROWD
Everyone is watching, including the Disco Doctor, Irwin, Harvey, Jimmy, and Eleanor.
ANGLE ON SKATES
We see there is a small engine in each skate.
ANGLE ON STAN
Richie leans down and speaks to him.
RICHIE
You ever work with motorized skates before?
STAN
(obviously lying)
Yeah, all the time.
ANGLE ON ACE AND Franky
They whisper to each other. Franky demonstrates how to pull on a cord that connects to the skate engine.
Franky
Just pull up on these and it'll cut the engine.
ACE
And Stan's?
Franky
When he pulls up they'll come off in his fingers. In a few seconds he'll be shaking hands with Charlie the Tuna.
ANGLE ON RAMP
Ace and Stan get down in a low crouch. Allison is called over by her brother.
CLOSE ON ACE AND ALLISON
Ace motions to the ground. Allison gives Ace a handful of dirt. Ace wipes it through his hands.
ANGLE ON STAN
He calls Allison over to him. Allison gives Stan a handful of dirt.
ANGLE ON THE RAMP
Eleanor takes a few steps down the ramp and holds up a flag to start the race. Irwin spots her.
IRWIN
Eleanor!
ELEANOR
Hi, Irwin.
BACK TO SKATERS
Ace and Stan are ready. Eleanor lets the flag down and the skaters screech off on either side of her. She turns and runs after them with the rest of the crowd. Ace and Stan zoom along the pier, gaining speed. Ace looks at Stan with a deadly grin. Stan smiles back, then almost loses his balance. The two hit the straightaway at top speed. The pier is getting closer and closer. The dark Pacific looms in the background. They race precariously along the pier. Ace sees the end of the pier coming up and grips the rings. He looks over at Stan.
ACE
So long sucker! See you at Marineland!
Ace pulls up on his cords. The motor doesn't stop. His cord is stuck around his leg. Ace frantically pulls up on the string. No dice. He looks up at the end of the pier. It is very close. Stan looks down the pier and finally pulls his cords. They break off in his hands. The two skaters crash through a wood barrier and fly into the air, plunging into the ocean waters. Stan's head is the first to bob up out of the water. He looks around for Ace.
ACE (o.s.)
Help! Help!
Stan looks in the direction of the voice. He sees Ace thrashing away in the water.
ACE
I can't swim!
He goes under and comes back up.
ACE
I'm allergic to water!
He goes under and comes back up.
ACE
I'm afraid of bath tubs!
He goes under and comes back up.
ACE
Squirt guns give me hives!
Stan starts to swim toward Ace.
STAN
Alright, already. I get the picture. I'm coming.
Ext. PIER
Allison, Franky, Richie, and the others gather at the end of the pier. They can't see through the darkness.
BACK TO STAN AND ACE
Stan cups Ace's chin in his arm and swims toward shore.
ACE
(panicking)
I throw up on water beds!
STAN
Quiet!
Ext. SHORE - STAN AND ACE
Stan helps Ace out of the water. He puts him down in the sand and kneels next to him, catching his breath.
ACE
(breathing heavily)
I'm alive! I'm alive! Listen, don't tell any of the guys. I'll give you anything. My skates, my brass knuckles, my favorite chain … anything.
STAN
Don't worry, Ace. I won't tell a soul. Just keep your promise and leave Allison alone.
ACE
I will. I will. You know, you're all right, pretty boy. Here I insult you, try to take your glory away, and almost kill you, but then you go and save my life. Why? Why would you do that for a low scumbag like me?
Stan thinks for a second.
STAN
(matter-of-factly)
'Cause I'm a hero. He smiles. A starry glint flashes in his eyes.
INT. DJ BOOTH
Disco music pops in and out. Bobby Blue looks into the camera.
BOBBY BLUE
I told you Skate Town is a place of fantasy, a place of magic. Nobody leaves this place the same as when they came in. Take a look.
He stretches around to take a look at the people below.
Int. S.T.U.F.F.Y. TABLE
Murray and Mrs. Thorndike are making out on top of the table.
Int. SNACK BAR
Ben is passed out. Ripple auctions off root beers to the highest bidder. The line stretches forever.
ANGLE ON IRWIN
Eleanor skates up to him. Irwin smiles.
IRWIN
Eleanor! Finally, you're back. Eleanor's skirt is shorter, her hair is in an afro.
ELEANOR
(Black dialect)
Hey, daddy! Give me five!
She holds out her palm. Irwin lightly slaps it. Donald, the big Black hulk of a man, skates up.
ELEANOR
Donald's taking us to a far-out jazz place. Come on, let's boogie.
Eleanor and Donald walk off with cool, Black swaggers. Irwin watches them go. He thinks to himself, then follows, mimicking their walk.
Int. BANDSTAND
The Beach Boys are starting their final number. Harvey and Jimmy clap to the music on stage. Elliot hold onto the three llamas; each has a training bra on.
Int. DANCE FLOOR
Richie is dancing with a group of girls. Ace and Elvira are dancing cheek to cheek. Pistol Pete is exchanging articles of clothing, glasses, etc. Stan and Allison are dancing together. They kiss. Just then, Susan races up to Stan.
STAN
Where have you been?
SUSAN
I fell in love.
She pulls on an arm, revealing Franky. Susan and Franky skate off lovingly.
BOBBY BLUE (o.s.)
So you see, everyone finds romance when they dance in a trance, shaking their pants, taking a chance ---
Int. DJ BOOTH
Bobby Blue smiles into the camera.
BOBBY BLUE
So thanks for coming tonight. Thanks for being part of our fantasy. And remember, it's all make-believe.
He smiles and throws a pile of confetti up over his head. The confetti falls on the heads of the people on the dance floor. We see that everyone has joined in a Busby Berkeley precision routine on skates.
Int. RAFTERS
The Disco Doctor pantomimes inserting some wires into a detonator plunger. He looks down on Skate Town maniacally.
DISCO DOCTOR
If I have to go, I'm taking the rest of you with me. So long, suckers!
He pushes down on the pretend plunger and the credits explode onto the frame.
THE END