By Pat McCormick
February 18, 1980
EXT. Indiana Elks Club - night
We see a small one-story white building. The sign over the door reads:
Elks Club
Terre Haute, Indiana
Around the building in the parking lot we see pick-up trucks, old Plymouths and Chevys, and a smattering of motorcycles.
The front door suddenly opens to reveal two red-neck, rural, good-ole-boy types leaving the Club.
ELK #1
I'm going home and get in bed with my wife. That'll be funnier than that guy.
Elk #1 points back into the club hall.
ELK #2
What the hell did he mean by that joke about the three fag pirates? He's too far out.
Through the open door to the Club, we can see there are still a lot of members in attendance.
INT. Indiana Elks Club - night
The audience is rural hometown men. Some of them are drinking beer out of bottles, served from a bar on the left. One fat guy in a T-shirt is eating a piece of chicken. The rest of the crowd is equally colorful.
The fat man hurls his chicken bone across the room. The bone flies through the air and lands on the lap of another good-ole-boy. He picks it up and starts eating what's left of it.
We notice that not many people are laughing, although comedian Jimmy Milford is delivering jokes to the crowd. Jimmy is in his 20s and is nice-looking.
JIMMY
It's not easy being raised in a small town like Terre Haute. Why, the first sex I even had was in the back of a manure spreader. The chick didn't care though — she was a little dumb. Her IQ was the same as her hat size.
In the audience is an affable, laughing Hank Milford, the comedian's father. Down a few seats is Randolph Hearns, his smooth looks distinguishing him from the rest of the group. Jimmy's jokes amuse Hearns, but so do Hank's reactions.
Hank nudges the person next to him proudly.
HANK
That's my son.
JIMMY
It's been fun being raised in a small town here in Indiana, but it has made me a little weird. My sex life as a teenager consisted of me going into a field and trying to bring a stalk of corn to climax.
There is very little laughter, except from a couple of the younger dudes — and from Jimmy's father Hank.
JIMMY
The first town we lived in was so small the leading industry was incest.
A lone pair of hands starts applauding. It's Randolph Hearns.
RANDOLPH
Thank you, Jimmy. That was very good.
Scattered applause joins Randolph from the audience. Hearns turns to the crowd.
RANDOLPH
OK, boys. Beer is on the Elks.
The men file toward the bar talking among themselves. Hank and Jimmy meet in the center of the room. Randolph is standing nearby.
JIMMY
(to Hank)
I guess I sucked.
HANK
Not at all, son. You have a great sense of humor.
(to Randolph)
Isn't that right, Randolph?
Randolph turns and joins Jimmy and Hank.
RANDOLPH
(to Jimmy)
I don't see what you're worried about, Jimmy. If comedy doesn't work out you can always be a successful chicken farmer like your old man.
Hank stiffens, but is determined not to let Randolph get to him this time.
HANK
Let's go get a beer, Jimmy.
RANDOLPH
Speaking of chickens, Milford, you seem to be late on your mortgage again. You ready to sell yet?
HANK
You know the answer to that one.
RANDOLPH
Suit yourself.
(to Jimmy)
On second thought, stay with comedy. You could do a lot worse.
(to Hank)
Think about my offer, Milford. Get out while the getting's good.
HANK
Don't worry about me, Randolph. Maybe the chicken business isn't what it used to be, but once Jimmy here becomes famous we'll see who has the last laugh.
Hank nudges Jimmy to punctuate his pun. Jimmy gets it, but the turn of the conversation is not to his liking.
RANDOLPH
(to Jimmy)
Come see me if you don't make it in show biz. I'll give you a job bagging groceries at my new shopping center. Just to show you my heart's in the right place, though, you can still perform here if you like — say — once a month. Deal?
HANK
You know what beauty and a sense of humor have in common, Hearns? In your family, they both run skin deep. Jimmy doesn't need this place. He's good enough for the big time. In fact, he's going to Los Angeles to make his big break.
Jimmy is stunned by this news.
RANDOLPH
(to Jimmy)
Have an agent?
Jimmy looks at Hank, wanting to perpetuate the story, but not wanting to lie.
JIMMY
No.
RANDOLPH
Have a manager?
JIMMY
No.
RANDOLPH
Have any bookings lined up?
JIMMY
No.
RANDOLPH
How about bus fare?
JIMMY
Uh, don't think so.
RANDOLPH
Son, in the banking business, we would say you were asking for a loan without having any collateral.
(to himself)
Like father, like son.
That does it. Randolph has finally gotten under Hank's skin.
HANK
Better get your dentures fixed, Randolph, because when you see Jimmy on the Tonight Show you're going to have to eat your words.
RANDOLPH
You'd better make it quick, son. In two weeks I'm going to have to foreclose on your dad's farm.
HANK
He can do it.
RANDOLPH
I'll bet.
HANK
How much?
RANDOLPH
Are you serious? What's the difference? You're broke.
HANK
I still have my farm.
JIMMY
Dad ---
RANDOLPH
You mean you won't sell to me at any price, but you don't mind losing it to me on a bet? Milford, you're crazy.
HANK
I've had enough of your guff, Hearns. If he doesn't make it, you can have my farm. But if he does make it, I get your bank.
RANDOLPH
My bank!
HANK
What's the matter, Randolph? Do you want to bet, or do we have to wait for your voice to change first?
Randolph regards Hank silently, his mind racing.
JIMMY
Dad, can we talk about this for a minute?
Hank stares intently at Randolph, ignoring Jimmy.
RANDOLPH
OK, Milford. It's a deal. Come to the bank tomorrow and we'll put it in writing.
HANK
I wouldn't have it any other way.
RANDOLPH
I do believe with the nimwit sense you showed just now you'd buy a big man's shop in Tokyo.
Randolph walks away, laughing. Hank calls after him.
HANK
If you need me, I'll be in my bank management class.
Hank puts his arm around Jimmy.
JIMMY
And I'll be taking my classes in advanced begging.
EXT. Indiana highway - day
Hank Milford is behind the wheel of his pickup truck. Jimmy is next to him.
HANK
Jimmy, I really think you should let me scrape up some money for a plane ticket or something.
JIMMY
Let me say it once and for all, Dad. Between Newcastle's Disease on the chickens and the flooding the year before, we're not only broke, we're in debt. You've gone to all your friends three or four times already. Randolph has the only bank in town, and you know <u>he's</u> not going to give you a loan.
HANK
What if we rob a liquor store?
JIMMY
Come on, Dad; stop joking around. It's better to arm some kids and let them do it for us.
HANK
I'm just concerned. You need all the time you can get.
JIMMY
Trucks go all the way through to the coast all the time, Dad. They drive day and night. I'll be there in two days. Look, I'm either going to have enough ingenuity or luck to succeed, or not. Two days instead of one isn't going to make that much difference.
HANK
I don't know how you turned out to be such a good boy, Jimmy. Was it something I said?
JIMMY
(laughs)
Yeah.
They stop at the side of the highway. Hank has a little bag alongside him.
HANK
Here, son. I got you a little something for good luck.
Hank starts pulling the items out of the little bag.
HANK
A horse shoe, a four-leaf clover, a lucky penny to put in your shoe. An Egyptian Mazda Triangle, a rabbit's foot, a rabbit's face ---
Now Hank is just joking, and is no longer pulling things from the bag.
HANK
--- A horse's foot, canary eyes, a cowboy hat sweat band ---
JIMMY
(laughs)
You wear them, Dad. We both need all the help we can get.
HANK
Well, son. I sure wish you good luck.
JIMMY
Thanks, Dad. I think I'm going to need it.
HANK
I wish you didn't have to hitchhike. Maybe I could give you Mom's insulin money.
JIMMY
One coma is enough for this month. I'll be OK, Dad.
HANK
Now, don't be thinking about my bet with Hearns. If you start worrying about the fact Mom and I may lose the house, the car, and all our possessions, it might be hard for you to be funny.
Jimmy stares at him, then gives Hank a big hug and a kiss.
JIMMY
I love you, Dad. I won't let you down. On the Tonight Show within two weeks.
HANK
Good luck, son.
Hank is genuinely choked up as Jimmy gets out and takes up a hitchhiking stance by the roadside. They wave to each other as Hank drives off.
EXT. highway - day - Jimmy
is standing on the highway, hitchhiking. (MUSIC: "I Got A Million Dollar Dream") A few cars and trucks pass, and Jimmy starts worrying that no one will stop. He scans the road behind him.
A Volkswagen bus, the first one ever assembled, appears in the distance and slowly rolls toward Jimmy. When it reaches him it stops. Jimmy happily approaches. The door opens.
INT. Volkswagen bus - day
Inside the bus is the driver, Thistle, who is dressed exactly like Abe Lincoln. His wife has an Islamic veil over her face. She is dressed like a Turkish peasant. The two kids in the back, a boy and a girl, are dressed as copies of mom and dad.
Thistle's mind is burned out from too many drugs. He has turned to religion now.
THISTLE
Enter our ship, creature.
Jimmy is somewhat baffled. The wife moves over and Jimmy gets in.
THISTLE
My name is Thistle.
JIMMY
Thistle, what?
THISTLE
Just Thistle.
Thistle gestures to his family.
THISTLE
This is my wife, Pussy Willow.
JIMMY
Pleased to meet you, Pussy Willow.
Pussy Willow says nothing. She keeps her face covered with the veil.
THISTLE
This is my daughter, Thunder Head.
Jimmy turns around to greet the kids in the back of the bus.
JIMMY
Hi, Thunder Head.
Thunder Head covers her face with her veil.
THISTLE
My son, Moon Dirt.
JIMMY
How's it going, Moon Dirt?
No response from Moon Dirt.
THISTLE
What is your name, creature?
JIMMY
Jimmy.
THISTLE
Jimmy?? What a weird name.
JIMMY
Right. I guess Moon Dog here doesn't get too many giggles during roll call at school.
THISTLE
He doesn't go to school. Nature is the only teacher. He learns from nature. The mountains teach him. The air teaches him. The woods teach him. The streams and lakes teach him. The animals teach him.
JIMMY
Moon Dirt, spell 'cat.'
MOON DIRT
H - R - M.
THISTLE
(proudly)
See? He doesn't need school.
JIMMY
No, but he could use some remedial work with a beaver.
There is an uncomfortable moment of silence.
JIMMY
Pussy Willow, who do you think will be in the Super Bowl?
No response as she pulls her veil higher.
JIMMY
Dallas?
No response.
JIMMY
Pittsburgh?
Still no response.
THISTLE
She can't talk.
JIMMY
Oh. Is she autistic?
THISTLE
No. It is our religion. You see, it is our belief that women don't speak. They only moan.
JIMMY
Oh. Gloria Steinem must be a member of your sect.
THISTLE
I don't know. That name doesn't ring a bell. There are seven of us. I can't remember all their names.
JIMMY
I'm into religion.
This news excites Thistle, as much as he is capable of being excited.
THISTLE
You are? Which one did you choose?
JIMMY
I'm an Alcoholic for Christ.
THISTLE
Wow.
JIMMY
Yeah, our Communion lasts four hours — with the wine tasting.
THISTLE
Yeah, good. You must be thirsty, then. Thirsty for Christ, of course.
JIMMY
Oh, I am. You got a beer, or some fruit wine?
THISTLE
No. We only drink one thing: Nature's thirst-quencher. The only thing our people can drink.
(to Pussy Willow)
Pussy Willow, he's thirsty. Give him a drink.
Pussy Willow lowers the top of her gown and offers Jimmy a breast. Jimmy is shocked.
JIMMY
You have wine in there?
THISTLE
No. We call it Nature's UnCola.
JIMMY
I can't drink it. It's against my religion. I can only drink alcohol. Why don't you wet your whistle, Thistle?
Jimmy covers his eyes as Pussy Willow turns to Thistle for his drink of her goods.
Thistle puts the bus in gear and gets back on the highway.
MOON DIRT
Pussy Willow's mother is eighty years old, and she still breast feeds her. Sometimes, when Pussy Willow in turn is breast feeding Thistle and even Thunder Head.
JIMMY
Kind of a gang breast feed. I'd like to be in on that.
EXT. highway - night - Jimmy
is walking down the side of the highway, hitching. After a few cars go by, a pick-up truck stops. The driver, Donny, is a cowboy all dressed up for Friday night. Next to him sleeps a mangy old dog. Jimmy opens the cab door.
DONNY
I'm only going as far as Dawson Falls.
JIMMY
Great.
He hops in, and they take off.
INT. pickup truck - night
The dog lies unmoving on the seat, just sleeping.
DONNY
Gonna have some time tonight!
JIMMY
(tired)
Yeah?
DONNY
You bet. Gonna drain that beer keg at the Rat's Nest drier than a seventy-five-year-old hooker.
JIMMY
Probably pee as much as one, too.
DONNY
(laughs)
Right. Say, you don't mind if we stop off at the Medicine Ball Ranch?
JIMMY
The Medicine Ball Ranch? What's that, a fat farm?
DONNY
No, it's more like a fuck farm.
Donny laughs.
JIMMY
Oh, one of those places. Sure.
DONNY
It always pays to get that first geyser off. That way the free ladies in town appreciate you more.
JIMMY
Didn't Winston Churchill say that?
DONNY
Winston Churchill? Ain't never seen him at the Medicine Ball.
EXT. HIGHWAY - TRUCK
as it pulls off the main highway onto a dirt side road.
JIMMY (v.o.)
Winston came here during the blitz.
DONNY (v.o.)
Wow.
The truck pulls up to a series of trailers. Donny gets out, the dog gets out, Jimmy gets out. They walk into the main trailer.
INT. trailer
The decor gives a new meaning to the word "gaudy." There is velvet everywhere — even a velvet beer tap at the bar. Donny is right at home. Jimmy isn't. Only the Madam, Perry, is sitting at the small bar. She is sixty-five, but multiple cosmetic surgical operations make her look sixty-three. Donny runs up and gives her a big hug. They greet each other like old friends.
DONNY
How you be, Dirt Queen?
PERRY
Great. Just great, you old saddle horn.
DONNY
Meet Jimmy.
PERRY
Hi.
JIMMY
Hi.
PERRY
(to dog)
Hi, Sam.
Sam doesn't react.
PERRY
(to Donny)
Well, what'll be your pleasure?
DONNY
Well, I'm in kind of a hurry. I could use a fast one.
PERRY
We got any speed you want. Black or white?
DONNY
Don't matter. It's been so long.
PERRY
Clean?
DONNY
Had a shot for everything.
They laugh.
PERRY
You want one or two?
DONNY
Depends. Bring in those bitches.
PERRY
(calling)
Girls — come on out!
From out of a doorway comes a parade of scantily-clad young women, each with a different dog on a leash. The dogs have lace panties and bras.
Sam's ears perk up. Donny kneels beside him.
DONNY
Well, old Sam, take your choice.
Sam starts sniffing the dogs. He barks at one.
PERRY
He wants Lily. They all do.
DONNY
(petting Sam)
How much?
PERRY
Seventy-five dollars.
DONNY
Seventy-five dollars!
PERRY
She's tight. Only one litter. And only three came out.
Sam keeps barking at Lily. He wants her bad.
DONNY
All right.
He reaches for his money and pays Perry.
PERRY
(sly)
I'll throw in Duchess over there for another twenty.
Sam starts howling in ecstasy.
DONNY
OK.
He gives Perry another twenty dollars.
PERRY
(to dog handlers)
Room fourteen, girls.
The dog handlers turn to leave.
DONNY
(to handlers)
And no head. He got hurt last time.
Jimmy is shocked.
JIMMY
Do you give handicapped rates for seeing eye dogs?
PERRY
No way. Don't allow those mean bastards in here.
JIMMY
Yeah, seeing-eye dogs are into S&M, with all that leather and harnesses.
PERRY
You got it.
JIMMY
I've heard of a cathouse, but a doghouse?
EXT. OUTDOOR PHONE BOOTH
Jimmy is inside finishing up a call.
JIMMY
--- OK, Dad, that's where I am. I am doing the best I can. This whole bet is insane. Tell Mom I hope the lightening doesn't bother her pacemaker anymore. Love you.
CUT TO:
INT. MILFORD HOUSE
Hank is in a small room he uses to carry out his business. A window looks out on the barnyard full of chickens. A few chickens are in the room with Hank.
HANK
Love you too, son. Good luck. Bye.
Hank hangs up and goes to a wall that has a very big map covering the United States from Indiana to the west coast. Terre Haute has a big red circle around it, as does Los Angeles. A red line extends west from Terre Haute. Hank takes a big red crayon and extends the line a little farther.
HANK
Keep moving son. Keep moving.
Hank looks up.
HANK
Please, lord. Let him keep moving.
Hank reaches up and we see a set of squares he's made hanging like a calendar. It says:
12 DAYS TO GO
on the top sheet. He tears off that page, showing the one underneath reading:
11 DAYS TO GO
EXT. GAS STATION - DAY - JIMMY
is walking out toward the highway from the gas station where the phone booth is. (MUSIC: "I Got A Million Dollar Dream.") Jimmy is drinking a soft drink.
Jimmy reaches the side of the road, throws the bottle away, and resumes the hitchhiking stance. He is backing up slowly, facing traffic. He smiles as a cars approach. The smile drops completely when a car passes him by without stopping. He turns to each car as it travels on.
JIMMY
May your carburetor get lodged in your youngest daughter's pantyhose, and may Carnac put a curse on you.
Next car goes by.
JIMMY
May a crazed sculptor pour cement into your pants and harden your genitals.
Jimmy keeps his thumb out, still walking backwards. Suddenly, he bumps up against a huge chest.
The chest belongs to Attila, a huge Hell's Angel-type, who is standing there smiling at Jimmy. Attila has a stubble beard and wears a leather vest with swastikas on it. There is an open expanse of his bare skin across his ample belly. Across the belly is tattooed the word "BEER."
ATTILA
Hi, boy. Where ya heading?
Jimmy is taken aback.
JIMMY
Los Angeles.
ATTILA
They call me Attila.
JIMMY
Jimmy Milford.
Jimmy extends his hand, and Attila crushes it innocently in a handshake.
ATTILA
I'm going through Los Angeles. Let's hitchhike together.
Jimmy looks up at Attila. Sonny Liston with a machine gun wouldn't pick up a guy like this.
JIMMY
Well, I ---
Attila puts a friendly arm around Jimmy, squeezing him playfully. Jimmy winces at the pressure, but keeps smiling.
ATTILA
It would be fun. I'll teach you how to throw a hatchet.
Jimmy senses it might cause difficulties if he were to refuse Attila's offer of companionship.
JIMMY
Sure, Attila. We'll be a great hitchhiking team.
ATTILA
Great.
Attila runs back to the side of the road. Jimmy turns to stick out his thumb quickly while Attila isn't visible from the road. Attila comes back to the roadside next to Jimmy with a beer and a sign he holds up for motorists to see. He hitchhikes with his beer can in one hand and the sign in the other. The sign reads:
SAN QUENTIN PRISON OR BUST
JIMMY
'San Quentin or Bust?'
ATTILA
Yeah, I'm going to San Quentin to visit my Mother. She's serving time there.
JIMMY
(sotto voce)
What's she in for, raping a stevedore?
ATTILA
What was that?
JIMMY
Oh, I just wondered what she was in for.
ATTILA
She punched out the Osmond Family at the Salt Lake City Airport.
Jimmy nods, his fears unassuaged.
JIMMY
Why don't you go down and gather up your duffel bag, get yourself a beer and practice with your hatchet. I'll holler if someone stops.
ATTILA
You want to roll down the side of the mountain?
JIMMY
What?
ATTILA
It's fun.
Attila is not exactly a rocket scientist. He gallops off to his belongings.
Jimmy quickly puts his thumb out once Attila is out of sight.
An old Model A Ford appears and slows to a stop a little Old Lady driving. She is quaint and petite like Helen Hayes. Jimmy runs up to the car.
OLD LADY
I'm not going very far, but I can take you to the highway junction at Grand Forks.
JIMMY
Thank you. That will be fine. I have a friend with me.
OLD LADY
That's OK.
Jimmy turns and hollers to Attila, who comes running back up the hill.
JIMMY
Attila, come on. We got a ride!
Jimmy gets in. Attila comes lumbering to the car with his duffel bag and a hatchet in his hand.
JIMMY
This is very kind of you, ma'am.
OLD LADY
My pleasure.
Attila gets into the car. He puts his hatchet in his duffel bag.
ATTILA
Howdy.
Just as Attila slams the door and gets settled, the Old Lady pulls out a gun, smiling.
OLD LADY
OK, boys. Take off your pants.
EXT. MILFORD HOUSE
It is a typical farm house. Hank is sitting on the front porch swing reading the paper. Randolph Hearns pulls up in a big Cadillac, looking dapper as ever. Randolph gets out, as do two workmen carrying tool boxes. Randolph points the men to areas near the house. Hank looks on, puzzled.
RANDOLPH
(smugly)
Good afternoon, Hank.
HANK
Good afternoon, Randolph. To what do I owe this unexpected visit?
RANDOLPH
(to workmen)
Measure that whole front section like I told you.
HANK
What are those men doing?
The workmen start measuring the front of the house and sections of the lawn.
RANDOLPH
Well, you'll be losing your bet in a few days, and this house and farm will be mine. I plan on making a few changes and additions and dividing up the land.
HANK
You haven't won the bet yet, Mister Slick.
Hank rushes into the house. Randolph, smiling, continues giving instructions to the men. Hank comes back out with a big bull whip.
HANK
Now, get off my property.
RANDOLPH
Take it easy, Hank. You don't have a chance on this bet and you know it.
Hank comes down off the porch cracking the whip. The workmen hightail it for the car. Randolph follows close behind. Hank moves toward them.
HANK
My boy won't let me down. You'll need carpenters to build you a coffin if I catch you here again.
Randolph hops into the car with the two workmen. He hollers out the window at Hank.
RANDOLPH
We should come back with the authorities and take that whip away from you.
HANK
You do and you'll ruin my sex life.
Hank runs down, cracking the whip, which gives Randolph's car a flat. Randolph drives off with the flat tire rubbing noisily.
EXT. PARKING LOT
in front of a sleazy looking road house called "Monte Carlo Hideaway." The parking lot is filled with all variety of motorcycles, Jeeps, and beat-up old pick-up trucks. Jimmy and Attila are heading toward the front door.
ATTILA
Man, you sure see some weird people when you're on the road, don't you?
Jimmy looks Attila over.
JIMMY
Yeah, you sure do.
They get to the door. Attila enters. Jimmy reads the sign at the door:
COATS AND TIES NOT ALLOWED
PARAMEDICS IN ATTENDANCE.
Jimmy enters.
INT. MONTE CARLO HIDEAWAY
The place is filled with rough-looking bikers who look just like Attila. Everyone stops playing pool and pinball to stare at Attila and Jimmy. One huge guy seems to be their leader. He has "BULL" on his T-shirt, and a picture of a bull. He looks at Attila. Jimmy stands to one side.
BULL
Hey, boy. We ain't seen you around here. Where you from?
ATTILA
My mother's stomach.
Bull takes a cue stick, bites the tip off, and chews it.
BULL
Uh huh. You mother's stomach.
Attila takes a cue stick, bites off the handle, and chews it.
BULL
I mean, where were you born?
Bull bites into a pool ball, and eats it. So does Attila.
ATTILA
I was born in a freight car outside of Omaha.
Bull takes out a knife and cuts off a chunk of pool table felt. He eats that, too.
BULL
Ever been in jail?
Attila rips up a piece of felt with his bare hands, puts it in his mouth, then rips off one of the leather corner pockets and starts chewing on that.
ATTILA
Yeah, once in Colorado.
Bull cuts down a light fixture that is hanging from the ceiling. Attila does the same with another light. They both start eating the lights and the shades.
BULL
What did they arrest you for?
Attila starts eating a chair.
ATTILA
Ripping the lips off a buffalo.
BULL
Yeah. I was a three-time loser on that charge.
Bull sticks his head through the wall. Attila plows completely through the wall. Then he comes back into the room. Bull and Attila stare at each other. Then, abruptly, Bull starts to laugh and puts his arm around Attila. Everyone else laughs and starts drinking again.
BULL
You're all right, ah ---
ATTILA
Attila.
BULL
--- Attila. That's my grandmother's name. I'm Bull.
JIMMY
I'd hate to hear the screams when you guys shit all this stuff out.
ATTILA
This is my friend, Jimmy.
BULL
Hi, ya.
Bull grabs Jimmy's hand and crushes it.
JIMMY
I'm going to have to start buying gloves two sizes smaller.
BULL
Why don't you guys join us? We're heading for Detroit.
ATTILA
I don't have a bike.
BULL
We'll give you one.
ATTILA
Sounds good.
JIMMY
What about your mother in San Quentin?
ATTILA
Later. She ain't going no place.
BULL
(to Jimmy)
You coming along?
JIMMY
No, Detroit's a little to rough for me. Detroit is such a tough city they consider rape foreplay.
BULL
(to others)
Let's move out.
Everyone dashes for their bikes in the parking lot. Attila squeezes Jimmy around the head with his right arm. Jimmy winces.
ATTILA
So long, buddy. See you later some day.
JIMMY
Don't tell anybody else about that old lady.
ATTILA
Who'd believe it?
JIMMY
Without any butter, either.
Attila runs out the door.
ATTILA
So long.
Jimmy looks out the window. The motorcycles rev up, and the bikers and Attila roar off.
JIMMY
I bet those guys could have gotten me on the Tonight Show.
EXT. DESERT - DAY
Jimmy is walking backwards, thumb out. Cars are passing him by — no one is stopping. Jimmy is frustrated, and it is boiling hot.
An Old Man with a metal detector walks past Jimmy, taking no notice of him. The man is waving the detector over the sand off the shoulder of the highway. Jimmy is pissed because he isn't getting any rides. He decides to take it out on the Old Man.
JIMMY
Can that thing pull over a car?
The Old Man pays little attention to Jimmy.
OLD MAN
What?
JIMMY
What do you expect to find out here?
OLD MAN
Plenty.
He reaches into a plastic bag tied to his belt, withdrawing its contents.
OLD MAN
Here's a Coors can from 1941 — a Hudson key ---
JIMMY
Big deal.
OLD MAN
(proudly)
It's to the trunk.
JIMMY
Nothing but junk.
Jimmy and the Old Man keep walking. The Old Man is waving the detector over the sand. It starts to make a loud clicking. He holds it over the spot that reads the loudest.
He starts digging down. We see the skeleton of a hand and arm. A watch is around the wrist bone. The Old Man pulls off the watch.
OLD MAN
You call this junk? A gold watch!
He holds it to his ear.
OLD MAN
And it's still working.
JIMMY
What is this, a Timex commercial? Let me see that.
The Old Man hands Jimmy the watch. Jimmy looks it over, then turns it to read the inscription on the back.
JIMMY
'For twenty-five years of distinguished duty, from the Teamsters to Jimmy Hoffa.'
OLD MAN
Yeah, well it's mine now.
The Old Man grabs the watch out of Jimmy's hand and drops the booty into his plastic bag. Jimmy shakes his head as if to say, "Am I seeing things?"
EXT. PHONE BOOTH OUTSIDE DINER - JIMMY
is calling home.
INT. MILFORD FARMHOUSE MAP ROOM
HANK
(into phone)
Right, son. No, I'm not worried. I will confess that I've chewed down my fingernails, three-hundred of the neighbors' fingernails, and twelve of the chickens' claws. Just kidding, Jimmy. Have fun, regardless. I'm serious. Love you. Bye.
Hank hangs up the phone. With the red crayon, he lengthens the line stretching west from Terre Haute. He then goes to the calendar and pulls off the page that reads:
9 DAYS LEFT
revealing a page reading:
8 DAYS LEFT
INT. DINER - MIDDAY
Jimmy enters the Chow Palace. A few people are at the half dozen tables along the front side. Only a couple of truck drivers are seated at the counter. Amy Drake, a very cute young woman, is just hanging up a pay phone. She is in snug jeans with a feminine shirt. She heads for the counter, arriving about the same time Jimmy does. They both sit down, with one stool separating them. A lethargic old Waiter comes up to Jimmy.
WAITER
What'll you have?
JIMMY
I'll have a steak sandwich and French fries.
WAITER
We don't have a steak sandwich and French fries.
JIMMY
Well, then, how about a chili dog?
WAITER
We don't have any.
JIMMY
Scrambled eggs??
WAITER
Nope.
Amy can't help overhearing. She starts laughing.
JIMMY
Is this the Weight Watchers' Diner? How about some toast?
The Waiter shakes his head.
WAITER
Uh uh.
JIMMY
(facetious)
Do you take American Express?
WAITER
Yes we do.
Amy is still laughing, but trying not to laugh too loudly.
JIMMY
Why are you open? Is this a warehouse for counter stools?
WAITER
I don't have a refrigerator. I buy just so much groceries every morning, and when they're gone, that's it. When the coffee's gone today, I'll close.
JIMMY
OK, I'll have some coffee, and give this young lady anything she wants.
Amy is still chuckling.
AMY
I'll have coffee.
WAITER
What would you like in your coffee?
JIMMY
Meat.
The Waiter shuffles off.
JIMMY
Do you come here to the Bangladesh Inn very often?
AMY
I came all the way from Denver to eat here.
The Waiter puts two coffees in front of them.
JIMMY
I hope the place didn't disappoint you.
AMY
I come here for their elegant napkins.
She pulls one of the paper napkins out of the holder.
JIMMY
Yeah. They're real class. No tacky drunk jokes on them.
AMY
I'll remember that when I review this place in L.A. Magazine.
JIMMY
You heading for LA too?
AMY
Yeah. I got to deliver a truck there.
JIMMY
Hey, you wouldn't need someone to ride shotgun, would you?
AMY
Sure, why not?
JIMMY
Great.
Jimmy looks at his thumb.
JIMMY
I can retire this thing.
(to Amy)
Don't worry, you'll be plenty safe. I'm a eunuch. I got circumcised during an earthquake.
They both take a sip of the coffee. It's the worst. They make faces and swallow with difficulty.
JIMMY
Check, please.
The Waiter gives Jimmy the check. Jimmy looks at it, and does a take. He's stunned.
JIMMY
Eight dollars!
The Waiter points to a sign that reads:
ALL THE COFFEE YOU CAN DRINK — $4.00 EACH
INT. TRUCK - AMY AND JIMMY
are in the cab of Amy's Ryder truck. Amy is driving. Jimmy gestures to the rear of the truck.
JIMMY
You say you haul band instruments around the country?
AMY
That's the job when you are road manager for a rock band.
JIMMY
What's their name?
AMY
'The, The.'
JIMMY
Oh, yeah. Isn't Kate Smith their lead singer?
AMY
(laughing)
Hardly. But the drummer wears one of her old dresses.
JIMMY
Punk group?
AMY
You might call them that. The bass player has pants made out of baloney.
JIMMY
What's weird about that? I have a pair of cabbage shoes.
AMY
(laughs)
Why you coming out here from Indiana?
JIMMY
I'm going to be on the Tonight Show.
AMY
Oh, NBC gave you hitchhiking fare?
JIMMY
No, they don't know it yet. But I'd better be on the Carson Show, otherwise my folks lose their farm.
AMY
What?
JIMMY
Never mind. You wouldn't believe it anyway.
Jimmy's concentration is caught by something down the road.
JIMMY
Slow down.
EXT. HIGHWAY - A HEARSE
is broken down on the side of the road. The hood is open. There is a casket in the back. The Driver, wearing black, is frantically waving his arms for Amy to stop. She does. Jimmy rolls down his window.
JIMMY
Need a lift?
DRIVER
No, no. I'm late. I'm supposed to put him ---
(pointing to casket)
--- into the ground ---
(pointing to watch)
--- in ten minutes.
JIMMY
Oh, then he ---
(pointing to casket)
--- needs a lift.
DRIVER
No. I need your engine.
The hearse Driver reaches in the front seat of the car and pulls out a pair of battery jumper cables.
DRIVER
My battery's dead. Give me a jump.
JIMMY
Sure thing.
Jimmy and Amy get out of the truck.
JIMMY
We don't want to keep the widow waiting.
Amy opens the truck hood. Jimmy puts the cables on the battery. The Driver quickly attaches the other ends of the cables to his battery. He jumps behind the wheel. Amy gets back into the truck cab.
DRIVER
Ready?
AMY
Let her rip.
Jimmy stands back. Amy starts up her engine. The Driver starts to crank over his engine, but it doesn't catch. He keeps trying. The cables start to smoke. Jimmy leans into the hearse to watch the Driver. Suddenly, the casket top starts moving. Jimmy notices and is frightened. He taps the Driver on the back.
JIMMY
Hold it! Hold it!
The Driver turns off the ignition key.
DRIVER
The damn thing won't start. I'll never make it to that funeral.
Amy turns off her truck's engine. Jimmy's eyes are huge. He points to the casket.
JIMMY
You may not have to.
DRIVER
What?
JIMMY
Something moved in there.
The Driver turns around and looks. Something is moving inside of the casket.
Jimmy and the Driver look at each other, horrified.
JIMMY
You don't think the cables started his heart? Naw.
DRIVER
Maybe we can save him!
The camera pulls back. The Driver pushes Jimmy aside, runs to the front of the hearse, removes the jumper cables from his battery, runs back to the hearse, opens the back, and attaches the cables to the handles of the casket.
DRIVER
(yelling to Amy)
Turn it over!
Amy starts up the truck. Driver and Jimmy stand back. The casket starts shaking and the cables start smoking again. The casket top slowly opens and an ashen-faced man in a dark suit sits up. He unfolds his arms and opens his eyes and stares right at Jimmy. Jimmy's chin drops. He starts to yell but can't. He runs to the front of the truck, pulls out the jumper cables, closes the hood, jumps into the cab and yells at Amy.
JIMMY
Floor it!!
AMY
What's wrong with you?
Jimmy shakily points out the window at the casket. Amy leans across him and looks. She sees the Corpse sitting up. She leans back. Her eyes are huge. She stomps on the gas pedal.
The truck races away. The Driver is still staring at the Corpse. The Corpse starts to laugh. The Driver starts to laugh. The Corpse takes a swig of beer. They start howling with laughter. The Driver walks over to hug the Corpse.
DRIVER
(laughing)
Boy, we really got them.
CORPSE
I'll bet we put a nice stain in that guy's shorts.
DRIVER
This has been the best day off I've had. They were the best pigeons yet.
They laugh.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH
Jimmy is on the phone.
JIMMY
--- Yeah, Dad. It's been weird. Hold it ---
He pulls the earpiece of the phone away from his ear. The earpiece has gum on it. Oh, well. He goes back to talking.
JIMMY
--- I'll call again, naturally. I gotta get going. I'm getting nervous. OK. Love you, too.
INT. MILFORD FARMHOUSE MAP ROOM
There are, as usual, chickens standing around the room with Hank. Hank is just hanging up the phone. He goes to the wall, takes his red crayon and traces along the highway. The red line veers South. Hank mumbles to himself.
HANK
He's heading South. If he'd have been the navigator on Admiral Byrd's North Pole expedition they'd have discovered Mexico.
Hank reaches to his make-shift calendar and pulls off the sheet that says:
6 DAYS LEFT
revealing the sheet that says:
5 DAYS LEFT
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY
Jimmy has hung up, but is still inside the phone booth. As he leaves the booth, another Ryder truck, practically identical to Amy's, comes into view.
INT. SECOND RYDER TRUCK
A man in his late twenties is drinking beer as he drives along. He is Jive Hackley, and he is totally bombed out.
JIVE
We get a nice little taste for this delivery, Annie. Mister Czar is going to be mighty happy. And when I'm paid off, you and I are flying to Paris and I'm going to stick it to you, Annie.
Sitting on the seat next to Jive is Annie, the cat. Annie meows.
INT. RYDER TRUCK - JIMMY AND AMY
AMY
Do you have to take a leak?
JIMMY
(laughs)
Yeah.
Amy's truck is parked outside of a road house called "Lenny's Log Cabin."
AMY
I'll bet you a beer that I can take a leak and be sitting at that bar before you can.
JIMMY
You're on.
AMY
The Men's room is on the right; the Ladies' room is on the left.
JIMMY
Let's go!
They both burst out of the truck and barrel toward their respective rest rooms.
Jimmy races across the parking lot, unzipping as he goes. He smiles, sure of victory. But, just to make sure, he decides to cheat a little by stopping outside the rest room to leak against the outside of the door instead of wasting time by going all the way inside. A Priest opens the door from within and starts out. Jimmy gets him on the pants leg. The Priest is startled. So is Jimmy.
JIMMY
I'm terribly sorry, Father. I'm in this race ---
The Priest just shakes his head in disgust and walks off. Jimmy walks alongside him, pulling up his fly.
JIMMY
If I confess leaking on you, will you forgive me?
The Priest walks briskly toward his car looking straight ahead.
PRIEST
For your penance, stick a cork in your ass for a month.
Jimmy looks, dumbfounded, as the Priest disappears among the cars. Jimmy remembers the race, and rushes to the road house.
INT. ROAD HOUSE
It is an unfancy, beer joint type of place. But there are tables, food is served, and there are no pool tables. Amy is seated at the bar, smiling, drinking a beer. There is a beer in front of the stool next to her, waiting for Jimmy.
AMY
Pay up, turtle kidneys.
Jimmy sidles up to the bar stool.
JIMMY
I was held up by a clergyman.
Jimmy puts the beer money on the bar and has a swallow of his brew.
AMY
It's fun having you with me. I don't like driving alone. I'm glad you didn't turn out to be a pervert.
JIMMY
If goats could talk, you'd change your mind about that.
Amy laughs.
JIMMY
(to Bartender)
Give me some beef jerky.
BARTENDER
What did you call me?
JIMMY
Never mind. My intestines would never forgive me.
EXT. PARKING LOT - LENNY'S LOG CABIN - SAME TIME
Jive Hackley pulls his truck into the lot near Amy's truck. He gets out and his cat leaps out of the cab. He starts to chase her, then slams the door, leaving the keys in the ignition.
JIVE
You just blew a trip to Paris, Annie.
He heads into the bar.
INT. BAR
Amy and Jimmy are still sitting there.
JIMMY
--- Yeah, I'm working on this bit about three fag pirates. One of them dies and they use his wooden leg for toothpicks at his funeral dinner.
Amy laughs. In the background, Jive enters the bar. He heads for a stool at the counter.
JIVE
Look alive, it's Jive.
Rudy the bartender looks around, sees Jive, and the two slap hands.
RUDY
How ya doing, Jive? What will you have?
JIVE
Just a pit stop, Rudy. Just going to throw back one drink. Make it a stinger and grape juice.
Neither Amy nor Jimmy pay much attention to Jive.
AMY
Whatever got you interested in being a comedian?
JIMMY
I guess it's because I've always been kind of the class clown. Once, we had a physical at school. I filled the specimen jar with apple juice, then went in and drank it in front of the doctor.
AMY
I used to have a siren my brother rigged under my dress. I'd shake hands with the male chaperons at the school dance and set the siren off.
Jimmy looks at the clock.
JIMMY
I'm getting nervous about getting to Los Angeles. Do you mind if we leave?
AMY
No sooner said than spoken.
They finish their beers and head out.
JIMMY
Got the truck keys?
AMY
I ran for the Ladies' room so fast I left them in the ignition.
Amy and Jimmy exit. Rudy brings Jive his order.
RUDY
You seem to be in a hurry, Jive. What are you up to?
JIVE
I'm making a score for a biggie in L.A. If it comes through, I'll buy my own nuclear reactor and give myself a cosmic enema every morning.
EXT. PARKING LOT - LENNY's LOG CABIN
Jimmy and Amy mistakenly get into Jive's truck.
AMY
We haven't far to go now.
JIMMY
Mind if I try out some of some my lines on you?
Amy starts up the truck.
AMY
As long as I don't laugh us into a ditch.
JIMMY
What's black and white and twenty feet tall?
Amy pulls the truck out of the lot.
EXT. TRUCK
AMY (v.o.)
I don't know.
JIMMY (v.o.)
Sister Mary Kong.
Amy laughs. The truck drives off into the distance.
AMY (v.o.)
I think we're safe.
EXT. TRUCK TRAVELING ALONG FREEWAY - Series of shots
AMY (v.o.)
Your family always lived in Indiana?
JIMMY (v.o.)
No, my great, great grandfather moved there from Kentucky. He made a fortune selling bar stools to the Mohawks.
AMY (v.o.)
Then your family's rich?
JIMMY (v.o.)
No, my grandfather blew it all. When he died, he left the money to a dike repair service in Holland.
INT. TRUCK
AMY
Sounds like a good move on your grandfather's part.
JIMMY
It wasn't. The first dyke they repaired was my grandmother.
AMY
He could have made all his money back.
JIMMY
How?
AMY
By opening a branch next door to Barbara Walters' favorite bar.
They both laugh.
JIMMY
I like you. You're the cutest, most feminine truck driver I've ever met.
EXT. TRUCK - SERIES OF SHOTS
of the rental truck driving along the freeway.
AMY (v.o.)
--- Now that's a sheltered existence.
JIMMY (v.o.)
I'll say. In high school the strongest drug I ever tried was Clearasil.
Amy laughs.
JIMMY (v.o.)
We snorted acne.
AMY (v.o.)
We did that too, I once almost o.d.'ed off a guy's left cheek.
JIMMY (v.o.)
I once o.d.'ed on white bread.
EXT. TRUCK - LATER - SERIES OF SHOTS
AMY (v.o.)
I've got to admit it, I was once a rock groupie.
JIMMY (v.o.)
Noooo ---
AMY (v.o.)
Yes.
JIMMY (v.o.)
Well, I was a comic groupie.
AMY
And I thought I was weird.
JIMMY
No, it's true. Norm Crosby once gave me an old wire from his hearing aid.
INT. BANK - DAY
Hank Milford is standing in line at the local branch of the "Indiana Basketball Savings Bank." Everyone else is black and over 6'8". We see a Customer hand the Teller a withdrawal slip. She reads it, then hands the Customer three basketballs and a pair of sneakers.
TELLER
Have a nice day.
CUSTOMER
Thank you.
He leaves.
TELLER
Next.
Hank walks up to the window and hands the Teller a check. She looks at it.
TELLER
Oh, you're a member of our Slam Dunk Club.
HANK
Yes, for twelve years.
TELLER
Do you have your Dribble Card with you?
Hank fishes his wallet from his pocket, and searches through it for his card. He locates it, and hands it to the Teller.
TELLER
Thank you, sir. Have a nice day. What's your phone number?
HANK
845-1173.
The Teller writes this down on the back of the check.
TELLER
Have a nice day. Your Social Security number?
HANK
123 54 4051.
She writes this down on the back of the check. She also stamps the check.
TELLER
Have a nice day. Your driver's license number?
Hank pulls out his license.
HANK
N0723937.
The Teller writes this down on the check.
TELLER
Have a nice day. Your mother's maiden name?
HANK
Dreardon.
(annoyed)
Do you want the name of her high school prom date?
The Teller thinks for a moment.
TELLER
It might help.
HANK
(steamed)
Sandy Koufax.
The Teller starts to write the name on the check, and stops.
TELLER
Is that with an 'I' or a 'Y?'
HANK
That's 'Y', as in Y.M.C.A.
TELLER
Thank you. Have a nice day. What color is your car?
HANK
(mad)
Red. My grandfather's car is aqua.
TELLER
Thank you. Have a nice day.
The Teller starts punching the information into the computer terminal at her side. She stops, waits for a reply, the looks at the read-out.
TELLER
Oh, I'm sorry. You'll have to talk with our president, Mister Hearns. Have a nice day.
The Teller points to Hearns' desk. Hank is fed up.
HANK
I don't believe this! I have to go through all this to get ten dollars for a new duck decoy just because my old one got pregnant?
TELLER
Have a nice day.
She points again toward Hearns' desk.
TELLER
Talk to him.
Hank is steamed, and mimicks the Teller.
HANK
Have a nice day — I hope you have a mastectomy on Susan B. Anthony's birthday.
Hank storms over to Hearns' desk.
HANK
You're behind this, right, Hearns?
RANDOLPH
(bankishly)
A problem?
HANK
Yes.
Randolph's entire demeanor suddenly changes, and he comes half out of his chair with a demonic look on his face.
RANDOLPH
Look, you aren't removing one cent from this bank until you sign this.
He hands Hank a written copy of their bet. Hank looks it over, then grabs a pen out of Randolph's suit breast pocket. It is attached to his suit with a chain. Hank rips the chain out of Randolph's suit and signs the papers.
HANK
You're gonna lose, calculator face.
Randolph stands up, triumphant.
RANDOLPH
I'm going to own your farm!
Hearns remembers himself, turns prim and gets back into bank-niceness.
RANDOLPH
Now, let me see your withdrawal slip.
Hank hands the slip to Randolph. Randolph takes it without looking at it, sits down and then examines it.
RANDOLPH
Oh, you're a member of the Slam Dunk Club. You know there's a penalty for early withdrawal.
HANK
Yeah, that's what your mother thought.
EXT. Tony Czar's POOL - DAY
In a back yard that could be Hugh Hefner's, except the pool is shaped like a gas pump. Asleep in a chair next to it amid some beautiful pool furniture is a semi-portly man. Nearby is a round umbrella table with seven telephones on it. Two assistants in blue suits attend him. Both could bench press Bulgaria. Fourteen women, who have enough combine cleavage to qualify as a maintain range, are either in the pool or sunning themselves. They are all about five feet five-inches tall, but their bouffant hair-dos make them closer to six-feet.
The man sunning his rich, stocky body is Tony Czar. He calls his two assistants any name that comes to mind.
A phone rings. Everyone snaps to attention except Tony. The girls get out of their chairs and climb out of the pool to line up in front of Tony. His assistants start answering the phones on the table. None of them seems to be the one that is ringing.
One by one, the assistants start pulling the wigs off the fourteen women and checking the hidden phone that is glued to the top of each head. None of them is the right phone. The ringing continues. Everyone turns to Tony for leadership. Tony awakens.
TONY
You fools! Don't you know a phone when you hear it? Christy!
One of the girls perks up.
CHRISTY
Yes?
The ringing continues.
TONY
Come here!
Christy, a busty beauty, walks up to Tony.
CHRISTY
I thought it was that one.
Christy points to one of the phones on the table. The ringing continues.
TONY
Come here, dear.
Christy steps up next to Tony. Tony opens her left tit, which is on hinges, and pulls out the phone receiver he finds there. The ringing stops.
TONY
(into phone)
Hello, who is it? Oh, it's you. Listen, you no-good-for-nothing bum, I've had it with you! You're through! You can cry and beg all you want, but I'm going to see you never work again. Never! You asshole!
Tony slams the phone into Christy's chest,almost knocking her over. He closes her tit. He assistant, Vic, speaks up.
VIC
Who was that, boss?
TONY
Frank Sinatra. Where is that fool with the delivery? That Jive, what's-his-name?
VIC
Hackley. Jive Hackley, sir. He called. The truck should be here by six.
TONY
Tell, he'd better be, because at six I want to watch the news to see if I'm on it.
VIC
Yes, boss.
TONY
Where's that new lifeguard I hired? He's late.
Joey, the other assistant, speaks up.
JOEY
Right here, boss.
Joey steps forward leading Mark Spitz to Tony. Mark is in a bathing suit with his Olympic medals around his neck.
TONY
(to Mark)
Can you swim?
MARK
Yes, Mr. Czar.
TONY
Well, take those silly medallions off. You'll drown if you jump in with those around your neck.
EXT. DAY - CONTINENTAL HYATT HOUSE IN LOS ANGELES
The camera has a street-level shot of the hotel, and then slowly pans up to the top. (MUSIC: Liberace's version of "Beer Barrel Polka.")
INT. HOTEL PENTHOUSE SUITE
Liberace playing the Beer Barrel Polka in his inimitable style. There is a candelabra on the piano. He is wearing a bright electric blue jacket covered with sequins. He stops abruptly and stands up.
LIBERACE
You know something, self? I think I've had enough of this.
He begins pushing the piano toward the French doors looking out over the city. He shoves the piano through the doors.
The piano falls to the parking lot below and shatters.
EXT. HOTEL
Amy is just pulling the truck up to the entrance. Amy and Jimmy get out. They are both tired. A drunk parking attendant, Louie, approaches them.
LOUIE
Are you guests?
AMY
Yes.
Louie climbs into the truck. Amy and Jimmy stand back. Louie starts the truck, puts it in gear and floors it, burning rubber as he peels out. The truck skids up the parking ramp beside the hotel. We hear screeches and squeals as the truck is ram-rodded through the enclosed parking area, out of sight. Jimmy and Amy look up the ramp. They have no idea what's happening to their truck. Suddenly, there is a huge crash, accompanied by more skidding and tire squeals. As Amy and Jimmy peer up the ramp, down the chute comes the front half of a Mercedes Benz 450SL. It slides to a halt in front of Jimmy and Amy. Jimmy looks over to a group of people waiting for their cars. Jimmy addresses them as he points to the halved Mercedes.
JIMMY
Is half a German here?
A limousine pulls up. A mob of groupies crowd around the car, screaming and fainting: It's wild. Jimmy and Amy look at each other in disbelief. An unrecognizable person gets out of the limo. He is swarmed by the mob. You can't see him, you can only trace his movements by the rough seething of the crowd pushing around him. He runs into the hotel, trailed by the crowd. The screaming gets even louder.
AMY
That must be Frampton, or Alice Cooper, or Jagger.
JIMMY
No, it's Elvis Presley's doctor.
Jimmy points up to the marquee. It reads;
WELCOME PILL POPPERS.
AMY
Before we go in I want to warn you about something. This hotel is the most bizarre, strange hotel you'll ever see. Every kook in the world knows about it and this is where they stay when they're in town.
JIMMY
Sounds good to me.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
Amy and Jimmy enter. They stop and look, shocked at the mass of milling populous.
AMY
Let's eat, first. There's a great Chinese restaurant in this hotel.
Amy leads Jimmy through the packed lobby toward the Chinese restaurant.
We see a guy with a big smile walking around the lobby. He has a black Magic Marker in his hand. He is walking up to strangers and painting a smile like the Happy Face on them. After painting a Happy Face, he says:
MARKER MAN
Have A Nice Day.
We see a guy walking around the lobby. He's wearing a saxophone suit. He keeps walking up to women and tapping them on the shoulder.
GUY
Blow me? Please, blow me?
Amy and Jimmy watch this for a moment.
AMY
I told you this place was bizarre.
JIMMY
Boy do I believe you! Wait one second, I want to make a quick call to my Dad.
Jimmy heads for a phone booth.
INT. MILFORD FARMHOUSE MAP ROOM
There are chickens on the desk. A couple chickens are on the floor, too. Hank is on the phone.
HANK
--- I understand, Jimmy.
Hank wipes his brow off.
HANK
This is like a cartoon. I'm starting to sweat. Don't worry about it. As long as we keep our sense of humor. Keep punching, son.
Hank hangs up, goes to the wall, extends the red line with his crayon into Los Angeles. He pulls the calender page reading:
3 DAYS LEFT
revealing:
2 DAYS LEFT.
HANK
(to chickens)
Did you hear me, Betty? You've got to keep a sense of humor. You understand?
Breaks into fake tears.
HANK
Christ, Betty. I feel so much like a kamikaze pilot nearing the target. I think I'll learn Japanese.
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT
The lighting is low. Candles are on the tables. Chinese waiters are busy serving patrons. Amy and Jimmy are seated at a corner table.
JIMMY
I hope this comment doesn't bother you — but you're all right.
AMY
You guys always rate girls — am I a ten?
JIMMY
Do you know what a Jewish ten is?
AMY
Tell me.
JIMMY
A four who screws, or a five with money.
Amy laughs.
AMY
I like you, too. Do you always get romantic in Chinese restaurants?
JIMMY
I figured you wouldn't go to the stock yards.
A Chinese Waiter approaches the table and hands them each a menu. The Waiter also has a Chinese accent.
WAITER
I am at your service.
The Waiter bows.
JIMMY
Do you have sweet and sour dragon bowels?
WAITER
Pardon me?
Amy examines the stand-up card in the middle of the table.
AMY
Never mind him. What's this drink, 'The Chow Ling Quai Special?'
JIMMY
That's Chinese for horse saliva.
WAITER
That is drink made with three kinds of rum, vodka, brandy chartreuse and one shot apricot juice. Ancient Chinese drink.
AMY
Whew! Nobody's going to get ancient drinking this.
(to Jimmy)
I think Marlon Perkins uses this to stun a rhinoceros.
JIMMY
I think I need to to forget the impending disaster to my family.
AMY
Think positively.
(to Waiter)
Waiter, bring us a number three and a number two combination.
WAITER
Oui.
The Waiter leaves.
JIMMY
I'm thinking positively. I always have. That's probably how I met you.
AMY
(sincerely)
Thank you, Jimmy. The candle light is starting to get to me, too.
A Chinese man goes to a pay phone right near their table. He puts in coins and makes a call.
JIMMY
Do you think we can pull off this miracle? Christ, I have to be on the Tonight Show by tomorrow night.
Amy reaches over and tweaks his cheek.
AMY
Somehow we'll do it, you cute thing.
A Chinese girl waitress approaches the table and sets down a bottle of wine. She pulls out the cork and pours some wine in a glass for Jimmy to taste. Jimmy samples it, and spews it out of his mouth as though it's terrible.
JIMMY
Two more bottles, please.
All laugh. The waitress leaves.
JIMMY
I sure am glad you're with me.
(toasts)
To you.
AMY
To you.
They drink the wine, looking at each other in the candlelight, with romance kindling in their eyes. Over this romantic tableau, we hear the voice of Wong, the Chinese man making the phone call near them.
WONG (o.s.)
Hello, Ming? Listen, Ho Tu died today. He was killed at the butcher's shop. His brother sank a meat cleaver into his head.
Jimmy and Amy have their romantic look turn into a little disbelief at this intrusion in their mood. Jimmy tries to get back to them.
JIMMY
Where'd you get your sense of humor?
WONG (o.s.)
Yeah, it was a mess. There will be a memorial service tomorrow. I thought you'd want to be there. Yeah, they will probably have to bury his head in two parts.
JIMMY
You know something? I'm kind of glad I wasn't proposing to you with this Chinese Boris Karloff in the background.
AMY
Yeah, it sure takes the wind out of any thoughts about making love under the table here.
While they speak, we hear the sound of more coins clinking into the telephone.
WONG (o.s.)
Hello, Pedro? Don't bother doing Ho Tu's lawn tomorrow — he was killed with a meat cleaver today.
Jimmy gets a "might as well go with it now" look on his face.
JIMMY
How do I love thee?
Jimmy grabs Amy's hand dramatically.
JIMMY
Let me count the ways.
He kisses her hand.
WONG (o.s.)
One thing, Pedro, they may want you to clean up the mess in the butcher shop. The memorial service is where Ho Tu used to go to think — in the supermarket parking lot by the Goodwill clothes bin at Western and Melrose. Good bye, Pedro.
Wong hangs up and starts to walk back past Jimmy and Amy. Jimmy stands up in front of Wong.
JIMMY
Who are you trying to kid?
WONG
What's that?
JIMMY
Your eyes — you can open them as round as anyone else.
Jimmy takes his fingers and tries to open Wong's eyes wider.
JIMMY
You're just trying to look mysterious.
Wong tries unsuccessfully to duck away. Jimmy still tries to pry his eyes open.
WONG
You crazy.
JIMMY
I'll bet at home alone when no one's watching your eyes are as round as Little Orphan Annie's.
Wong runs off. Jimmy sits back down. He and Amy crack up.
ANNIE
Tell me something — you aren't crazy, are you?
The Waiter comes with the food, and sets it on the table. Jimmy grabs a pair of chopsticks. He stands and puts the chopsticks straight out in front of his fly.
JIMMY
Chairman Mao with a hard-on.
The Waiter stares in disbelief and leaves. Jimmy sits. Amy calls after the Waiter.
AMY
Bring a strait jacket with hot mustard.
Jimmy holds up a chunk of food.
JIMMY
Alright, my sweet. Eat your squid balls in good health.
AMY
I'm eager to see your act.
They're eating and drinking as they talk.
JIMMY
You know, even when I'm having fun and enjoying you, I seem to have my crisis — the deadline for getting on the Tonight Show — churning in my gut like I swallowed a black cloud.
AMY
Look, fella. We've got to use every ounce of ingenuity. Maybe the guys in the band can help. Geez, there are five comics who work in this hotel I know can help. Three of them have been on the Tonight Show. They try stuff out next door at the Comedy Store.
JIMMY
What do we do — get one of them to go on wearing a mask of me?
AMY
Come on, you. Where is your fight? Your old Indiana Hoosier spirit? By the way, what's an old Hoosier?
JIMMY
I don't know. Nor have I ever shot a veal.
Jimmy shrugs his shoulders, arms out, indicating "what the hell are these things?"
JIMMY
I've never gone on a Naugahyde hunt, nor have I ever seen a Gideon sneak a Bible into a hotel room.
A Chinese man in a suit approaches the table. He is Mr. Kung.
KUNG
I am Mister Kung, manager of this restaurant. Mister Wong and your waiter said you were causing some sort of disturbance.
JIMMY
Mister Kung, I'm glad you're here.
Jimmy stands and pulls out a marking pen. He steps over to an expensive-looking painting with a light over it that is hanging on the wall next to them. It is a beautiful Chinese river scene with sampans.
JIMMY
I think this picture could be improved if I drew some birds in the sky here ---
Jimmy starts to reach to the painting, and feigns making strokes with the marking pen. Kung panics.
KUNG
Stop!!
Kung grabs Jimmy.
KUNG
That painting is worth ten thousand dollars!
Kung turns to call to some nearby waiters.
KUNG
Throw these people out of here.
Waiters descend on Jimmy and Amy. Jimmy grabs Amy's hand and hustles toward the door.
AMY
Would you mind telling why you did that?
JIMMY
Think about it: We didn't have to pay the check, did we?
Jimmy points to his head and winks. They reach the door.
AMY
Hold on to that pen. I have a feeling it'll come in handy.
JIMMY
Make a note — we should go to Ho Tu's memorial service at the Goodwill clothes bin tomorrow.
Jimmy hands the pen to Amy. They both laugh.
EXT. TONY CZAR'S pool - Day
Tony is sitting in a chair surrounded by henchmen. In the background, we see a group of six hoods laughing and enjoying a poker game. Tony looks impatient, as usual.
TONY
Where's this guy, Jive?
VIC
(nervous)
Any minute, boss. I promise. He'll be here.
TONY
He better be.
Tony turns toward the poker game.
TONY
The boys seem to be having fun. I like fun. I want to enjoy their fun. But my toe hurts.
Tony rubs his toe.
TONY
Why don't you carry me to their fun?
Both Vic and Joey pick up Tony and carry him over to the poker game. They stand him up and straighten his suit out. The poker table is silent. Everyone looks stern. Their mouths are closed tightly. There are only two guys left in the game.
HOOD #1
(smiling with his teeth)
Let's see what you got.
Hood #2 lays down his cards. He has a full house to aces. The smile shrinks off Hood #1's face. He lays down a full house to tens.
HOOD #2
You lose.
Hood #2 picks up a pair of pliers and starts pulling teeth out of the mouth of Hood #1. He throws them down into a pile of other hoods' teeth — the jackpot. The other hoods start laughing. They have no teeth. Hood #2 rakes over his pile of teeth and starts stacking them. Tony joins in the laughter.
TONY
Good to see you boys having fun.
In the background, we hear the sound of a Ryder truck. Everyone turns to look at the driveway and mansion gate.
EXT. MANSION GATE
The Ryder truck is there with Jive at the wheel.
INT. MANSION - POKER GAME
TONY
Fun's over, boys. Let's get the shit.
Everyone runs to the garage. Two guys run to the gate and let Jive in. He pulls the truck into the garage. The two guys follow and close the garage doors behind them. Jive gets out of the truck, stoned.
TONY
What took you so long?
JIVE
I lost my vision through New Mexico.
TONY
One hour later you'd have lost your vision throughout life.
The hoods open the back door of the truck, jump in, and pull out the musical instruments inside. Frantically, they break the instruments open. Tony and Jive smile at the anticipation of ten million dollars' worth of dope falling out. Nothing. More smashing of instruments. Nothing. Silence. Everyone turns and stares at Jive. He screwed up — and now there's trouble. Tony picks up a guitar and smashes it over Jive's head, but it doesn't faze Jive in the least.
JIVE
I think you better tune that thing.
TONY
Alright. Where is it? Where is it?!!
JIVE
Well, it's not in here.
Jive points to his nose.
TONY
You swallowed it? I know that trick. Plastic bags. Your bowels are worth ten million dollars on the street!
JIVE
No, no way. Give me Kaopectate. I'll prove it.
Tony turns to Vic and Joey.
TONY
I want him vacuumed. Vacuumed clean! From top to bottom!
Tony leaves the garage. The men grab Jive. He screams.
JIVE
No!
They drag him into another room.
EXT. GARAGE
A Pool Man runs up to Tony.
POOL MAN
I finished your hot tub, Mister Czar.
TONY
Good. You did it right, right???
POOL MAN
Sure. Just like you wanted, Mr Czar.
The Pool Man hands Tony the end of the blue prints and starts walking away. The blue prints are twenty feet long.
POOL MAN
It's over one thousand feet deep. And I put in the accessories.
TONY
Good. I can drop at least sixty bodies in there before it overflows.
The Pool Man leaves. We hear a loud vacuuming sound — and yelling — coming from the garage. More yelling and louder vacuuming is heard. Tony smiles as he walks toward the pool. A dog barks.
TONY
Here, Rabies. Over here, boy. Come here, Rabies.
A huge Doberman dog comes bounding up to Tony and drops a human arm at Tony's feet. The hand is clutching the mail.
TONY
Good boy, Rabies. I wondered where today's mail was.
Tony bends to take the mail out of the hand. He looks through it.
Vic and Joey are still working over Jive in the garage.
TONY
Good boy, Rabies.
Tony pats the dog on the head.
TONY
You're so cute.
(yelling to pool house)
Maurice! Bring Rabies his reward, and some wine to toast him with.
Maurice comes out. He holds a tray that has a bag of dog chow and a bottle of cognac, with a snifter. Maurice drops the dog bowl and pours in some dog chow. Tony picks up the bottle of cognac.
MAURICE
It's a 1947, sir. Chateau St. Mount Ice Creame de Napoleon.
Tony tastes it. He nods approvingly.
MAURICE
At the last Rothchild auction it went for over $755 a bottle.
TONY
Good enough.
Tony pours some of the cognac into the dog bowl. Rabies ravages his food and eats the bowl. From the garage, we hear still more yelling and vacuuming.
TONY
(to dog)
Still hungry, Rabies?
Rabies barks. Tony pours the rest of the cognac down Maurice's pants. The dog chases Maurice into the darkness. We hear gnarling and biting. Tony laughs. Vic and Joey come up to Tony from the garage.
TONY
Well, where's the shit?
Tony holds out his hand.
VIC
That's all we sucked out of him: Real shit. Pure shit.
JOEY
And two Cracker Jack toys and a nickle.
Tony turns his back on Vic and Joey. He's steamed.
TONY
I'll give you twenty-four hours to find that stuff. Then, you'll take a dip in my new hot tub.
Tony points to the hot tub. The huge tentacles of some octopus-like monster are coming out the top.
INT. HYATT HOUSE - ELEVATOR bank
Jimmy and Amy are waiting for the elevator.
AMY
The boys are on the eleventh floor.
The door opens. A man gets off. He has a very proper F.B.I. suit on, except that attached to his crotch is a huge foam rubber pecker. He walks away.
JIMMY
That must be the house dick.
INT. HOTEL - ELEVENTH FLOOR
Amy and Jimmy get out of the elevator and head down the hallway. A line of straight men, all in neat business suits, is queued up. They are talking business and Wall Street. Jimmy and Amy walk to the head of the line. It leads into a room. They walk in; a man is sucking on our old friend Pussy Willow's tit. Thistle is standing next to her. He is holding a cigar box filled with quarters.
THISTLE
Next!
The customer backs off Pussy Willow's tit. The tit is low, flat, sucked dry. The customer puts a quarter in the box and leaves. Another walks up and holds out his Social Security card for examination.
THISTLE
That's an eight at the end of your Social Security number. You can't have any. This is an 'odd' day. Come back tomorrow.
The would-be customer leaves, very disappointed.
THISTLE
Next!
The next guy in line stops forward and holds out his Social Security card for examination.
THISTLE
Good. Better suck on the reserve tank.
The customer sucks on the bigger, fuller tit.
JIMMY
(to Amy)
Can I borrow a quarter?
Amy pulls Jimmy along. They come to an open door, so they can't see the room number. They walk in. A guy who looks exactly like Jesus is sitting on the bed. He reaches over and opens the night-stand drawer. He pulls out a book from the drawer, and looks at the title:
The Gideon Joy of Sex
Jesus leans back, smiles and starts reading the book. Jimmy and Amy move on down the hall.
Amy and Jimmy continue looking for one of the rooms on their list. As they approach the room, we hear rock music coming from somewhere nearby. (MUSIC: Rock number) As they get closer to the room, the already loud music gets even louder. They stop outside room 717.
JIMMY
This must be the place.
Amy nods. The music is very loud.
JIMMY
Shall we?
He opens his arms to Amy for a dance.
AMY
We better do something to save our eardrums.
They dance as the music blares from the room. Finally, it stops.
AMY
Well, I guess it's safe to enter.
She knocks on the door. One of the musicians, Rick, opens the door. He is wearing a tuxedo, as are the rest of the band. Sewn into the crotch of their pants are big vaginas with huge pubic hair. Tits are sewn on to the front of their jackets.
RICK
(lovingly)
Amy.
He gives Amy a big hug.
RICK
Great. You made it.
AMY
No problem. Everything is in the garage.
RICK
Super down. We've just been listening to the tapes of our latest recording session.
AMY
So has the entire hotel.
Jimmy gets at expression on his face like he's one of the stupid teenage record raters on American Bandstand.
JIMMY
I like the beat. It's easy to dance to. I'll give it an eighty-five.
AMY
Oh, this is a friend, Jimmy.
RICK
Hi, man.
Rick and Jimmy shake hands.
AMY
C'mon. I want you to meet the rest of 'The, The.'
Amy and Jimmy enter and Rick closes the door. Jimmy approaches a groupie-type lady and holds out his hand.
JIMMY
You must be 'The.'
AMY
No, this is Fern.
Fern takes a baby bottle out and squirts it on Jimmy's wrist.
FERN
Is it hot enough?
JIMMY
Yeah.
Sitting next to Fern is Fred, another member of the group. He is wearing a clear plastic-glass stovepipe hat. A little baby is inside the hat. Fern gives the baby the bottle.
AMY
And this is Fred.
Jimmy and Fred shake hands.
AMY
And that's their son, Irving.
Jimmy waves to Irving.
JIMMY
Wow, what a neat incubator hat. The best I've ever seen.
Amy points out another person in the room.
AMY
And that's Sid.
Sid is sitting in a sea of wine and beer bottles. He chugs a beer. There's a rubber balloon under his coat where his liver is. The balloon inflates to a big size, looking as if his liver is about to pop. He leans over and looks at it.
SID
(to liver)
Down boy.
The liver deflates. Sid proudly pats it.
SID
Good liver. Good, liver-boy. I'll feed you some more.
Amy points out Ralph, who is sitting near a window smoking something from a hooka hose that leads out the window.
AMY
That's Ralph.
Ralph waves. Jimmy waves back. Another member of the group, Karl, comes out of the bathroom. He's with a rabbi who's carrying a little black bag.
KARL
Thanks again, Rabbi.
Karl walks the rabbi to the door. The Rabbi leaves and Karl comes over to Amy and Jimmy.
AMY
Karl, this is Jimmy.
KARL
Hi, Jimmy.
JIMMY
Do you help a rabbi go to the bathroom very often?
KARL
Oh that? No. The rabbi was circumcising my girl-friend's vibrator.
Karl holds out a freshly-circumcised dildo.
KARL
She's orthodox.
JIMMY
Could I have the tip? I collect them.
AMY
I better call down and see if anyone from the Comedy Store is here.
JIMMY
Yeah, would you? We got to get moving. Only two more days.
Amy goes to the phone and calls. Ralph signals Jimmy to come over to the window. Jimmy walks over.
RALPH
What a hit, man?
JIMMY
No, thanks. Where does that hose lead to?
RALPH
All the way down to the street and up to there, man.
Ralph hands Jimmy a pair of binoculars and points way up into the hills. Up in the canyon, a house is completely consumed with fire. Jimmy puts down the binoculars, shocked.
JIMMY
You're smoking a ranch house?
RALPH
No, man. I'm only using that fire to smoke the best Columbian Red. There's my pusher now.
Ralph points out the window. A Forest Service B-17 is dropping red fire retardant on the house fire.
RALPH
He just dumped seven kilos on it.
Ralph takes a big hit off the pipe. He leans back and enjoys it.
RALPH
The best.
Amy returns.
AMY
We're in luck. The bellboy gave me the room numbers of the five comics. They're all here now.
JIMMY
Great. Let's find them.
Jimmy runs out the door. Amy follows with the list of room numbers.
AMY
See you guys later.
She closes the door behind herself.
INT. HALLWAY
Amy and Jimmy are walking along looking for the doors to the comics' rooms. One one door is a sign that reads;
PLATO'S RETREAT — SENIOR CLUB
Jimmy curiously pushes the door open. A nude old lady and old man are sitting across from each other in wheel chairs. Two nursing home aides are pushing their chairs together so that they can make love as their chairs thrust back and forth against each other. Jimmy and Amy shake their heads and chuckle as they move along. They go by a room and hear a lot of yelling within. Jimmy opens the door to see if he can help. Two firemen are squirting water at a couple who are stuck in the loving position.
GUY IN BED
(yelling)
More cold water! More cold water! I'm still stuck in here! More water!
EXT. MILFORD FARM
A couple hundred chickens are clucking in the barnyard. Hank comes briskly out of the farm house. He looks annoyed as he walks among the chickens.
HANK
(to chickens)
Will you cut out this noise! How many times do I have to tell you?
Hank singles out one particular chicken.
HANK
And you, Betty. I can hear you above all the rest. What are you clucking so loud for? Did the rooster hurt you? You seem to be walking bow-legged lately.
The chickens go on with their din of clucking. Hank paces back and forth like a lawyer talking to a jury.
HANK
Not only is this clucking driving me crazy, but you're not laying many eggs any more. Why? Is that a sign that there's going to be an earthquake in Indiana? And you, Henrietta. I'll bet my wife can lay an egg before you do. I had her squat down and try the other night. I'll bet she would have, too, if she hadn't eaten that Mexican food. It kind of backfired. Don't tell me you're not laying eggs because the rooster ain't horny enough. I saw him locked on to the back of a sparrow yesterday.
Hank looks down at them.
HANK
Why can't you walk right? All day —
Hank mimics a chicken walking.
HANK
--- When you walk, walk like this.
He takes proud, regular strides.
HANK
I should have ten guys with palsy come in and pluck all of you.
The sound of clucking gets suddenly louder.
HANK
So, you're going to keep up the racket, are you? OK.
He heads for the house, turning to shake his finger at them.
HANK
I'll make you shut up. You bet I will.
Hank storms into the house, leaving the chickens to their thoughts.
CHICKENS
(tiny voice)
I wonder what he's up to? I hope it's not the old rubber axe joke again. I hate it when he razzes us about not laying eggs. Chickens get constipated, too.
Hank returns dressed as Colonel Sanders — full regalia.
HANK
Alright you little peckers. Now you better quiet down.
He strides toward them. Chickens scurry wildly everywhere. Hank stops, laughing.
HANK
I knew that would do it.
Slowly, Hank's face turns sad.
HANK
You know, of course, I love all of you. I love this whole farm. So did my dad. Now it looks like it is over.
There are traces of tears on Hank's cheeks.
HANK
I'm gonna miss all those lovely clucking sounds.
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Jimmy and Amy walk down the hallway. They come to door that has no number. They knock and it opens. No one is in the room.
JIMMY
Maybe he's in the bathroom.
Jimmy opens the bathroom door. Four hotel cleaning ladies are squatting around the toilet bowl. One is pouring a large bottle of rum into the bowl, which has flowers floating in it. One is pouring coconut milk into the bowl, ala Polynesian drinks. With four straws in the toilet bowl, they are getting drunk from sucking out the mixture. Jimmy and Amy move on.
JIMMY
Do you get the feeling Princess Grace doesn't stay in this hotel?
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Amy and Jimmy are standing outside the last room on their list.
JIMMY
This has to be it.
In frustration, he opens the door and they enter. They stop in their tracks, shocked by what they see.
A home video unit is taping a group of surgeons standing around an operating table.
SURGEON #1
Scalpel.
Surgeon #2 hands him a scalpel. Surgeon #1 cuts into the patient. Surgeon #3 starts sucking the blood out of the incision with a suction instrument.
SURGEON #1
Clamps.
Surgeon #4 hands him clamps. He shuts off the main arteries. Surgeon #4 mops Surgeon #1's brow. Surgeon #1 glances up at the wall clock.
SURGEON #1
We're into the fourth hour. I hope we got it. Scalpel.
Surgeon #2 hands him a fresh scalpel. He cuts.
Jimmy and Amy look at each other in disbelief.
SURGEON #1
I think we're close.
He holds up the patient's heart. Jimmy and Amy are so startled they hug each other.
SURGEON #1
Hit it, Max!
(MUSIC: "Sweet Georgia Brown.") All the surgeons back away from the table and start doing the Harlem Globetrotter warm-up routine. The patient's heart is substituting for the ball.
Jimmy and Amy are relieved to finally understand what's really happening. They laugh.
The Surgeons pass the heart behind their backs, dribble it, etc, ala the Globetrotter routine. Surgeon #1 steps to the table and cuts out another organ. He throws it into the routine. Slick routine continues.
Jimmy and Amy start clapping to the music.
Surgeon #1 reaches into the patient, grabs a kidney, and hurls it to the ceiling. The kidney is attached to a rubber band. It snaps back into the patient's torso.
The guy running the video camera steps forward.
CAMERAMAN
Cut!
The act stops. The comics throw off their surgical masks and laugh. Jimmy and Amy applaud.
AMY
That was beautiful, guys.
The comics turn and see Amy.
COMICS
(all)
Amy!
They rush over to her, giving her kisses and hugs.
AMY
Guys, you really had me fooled.
JIMMY
Yeah, we thought you were giving Gerald Ford a humor transplant.
Everyone laughs. Surgeon #1 is Amy's friend Buddy.
BUDDY
We were just making a tape for NBC. They want us to do a pilot.
JIMMY
Good luck. They want Bess Truman to do a pilot, too: A game show, 'Battle of the First Ladies.'
The comics laugh.
BUDDY
Amy, who is this fella. He's kinda funny.
AMY
This is Jimmy.
Buddy regards Amy good-naturedly.
BUDDY
Nice of you to bring up someone to spritz our act.
AMY
No, guys. I need a huge favor. Jimmy's got to go on at the Comedy Store tonight.
SAM
What? I can't even get on tonight. They're jammed.
MEL
(proudly)
I got a shot around eleven-thirty.
AMY
No you don't. Jimmy here does. I'll explain later, but it's crucial Jimmy gets on the Tonight Show. Maybe some one will see him at the store.
BUDDY
Amy, you may put us out of business yet. I got someone coming over from the Tonight Show. I'll meet you there in a few minutes.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
as Jimmy and Amy hurry through.
EXT. HOTEL DRIVEWAY
A tour bus pulls up. On the side of the bus is a banner that reads:
LOW I.Q. CLUB OF AMERICA.
Jimmy and Amy come out of the hotel door and stop to look. The bus door opens. Inside, there is a piece of luggage in each seat. A bellboy gets into the bus and starts bringing out the luggage. Another bellboy opens the luggage doors on the side of the bus and starts pulling out the Low I.Q. Club members.
INT. BACKSTAGE AT THE COMEDY STORE
Buddy is escorting Jimmy and Amy backstage at the Comedy Store.
BUDDY
OK, now, Jimbo. Get ready to meet the Tonight Show talent coordinator, Frances Tennis. Be very polite … and flattery won't hurt. Lay it on.
A little Mexican bus boy appears in front of them. Jimmy reaches out and shakes the bus boy's hand.
JIMMY
Very pleased to meet you, Mister Tennis. You coordinate talent the best. And you look very well tonight. That's very camp to wear that cheap tunic.
BUDDY
That's not Frances Tennis. That's a bus boy.
JIMMY
Oh.
(to bus boy)
Well, you still look nice.
Amy laughs.
BUDDY
Frances Tennis is a woman.
A tight-lipped but attractive woman in her mid-thirties, wearing very well tailored clothes, comes up behind them: Frances Tennis. She has an escort, Roger Morrison, a thin, younger man with flared pants and a coat draped over his shoulders.
FRANCES
Did I hear my name taken in vain?
Buddy turns around, and spots Frances.
BUDDY
Frances, how's my favorite gal?
He gives her a kiss. As a gag, he then starts to kiss Roger.
BUDDY
Sorry, I lost my head. Howdy Roger.
FRANCES
This must be the young man you told us about.
BUDDY
Yes, this is Jimmy Milford. And this is his friend Amy Drake.
Buddy indicates Roger.
BUDDY
And this is Roger Morrison.
JIMMY
Pleased to meet you.
AMY
Hi.
JIMMY
You look very nice tonight.
ROGER
(slightly fay)
You look quite nice yourself, young man.
FRANCES
We'll be looking forward to laughing at you. No, that didn't sound right. To enjoying your humor. That's better.
BUDDY
(jocularly)
Come on, Frances. Nothing makes you laugh. Every time you go to auditions, buzzards circle the club.
FRANCES
(smiling)
Stop that, now, Buddy. You can't hear me, but I'm laughing inside.
JIMMY
Hard to make you laugh, huh? Anybody got an Indianapolis bus schedule?
FRANCES
(to Jimmy)
Very droll, Tommy. You'll be just fine.
She heads into the Comedy Store. As Roger passes Jimmy, he gently places his hand on Jimmy's face.
ROGER
Good luck, friend.
He goes into the club. Jimmy turns to Buddy.
JIMMY
I want to thank you, Buddy, for doing this. I wish I hadn't heard she's not a laugher.
BUDDY
It's better to know.
AMY
Some day, you'll look back on this and say, 'What was I worried about?'
JIMMY
If I give myself a nose bleed will you put a tourniquet around my neck? A real tight one?
INT. COMEDY STORE
We see the stage with a young, male Master of Ceremonies on the mic.
M.C.
Normally, I say 'the Comedy Store is proud to present' — then I name the act. But in this case, I'm not sure. But then again, when you see the act you'll understand why I better say I'm proud to present the Tornados.
M.C. exits, applauding. The audience applause is light. Two huge, burly truck-driver types, Ox and Axe, burst onstage.
OX
Hey, you're gonna love us.
AXE
Yeah, and we could do with a little more applause, too.
He pound his foot on the stage.
AXE
Did you hear me?!
OX
We'd like to start off with a little joke.
He bends the microphone.
AXE
Why doesn't a baby duck leave marks in wet cement?
OX
Because he can't walk hardly.
Axe picks up a bass drum and punches his fist through it.
OX
Now that's funny.
He walks menacingly toward the audience.
OX
Isn't it?!
The crowd is roaring at the comedy intimidation.
AXE
Perhaps you didn't hear us. Because he can't walk hardly. How about it?
The people roar. Not at the joke, but at this roadhouse attitude.
OX
Now you're steaming me.
Ox steps to a table and tears the shirt off a plant who's seated there. Ox goes back to the stage eating a piece of it.
AXE
Hey Ox. I know a girl so ugly when she goes out on the beach the snails get up to sixty miles-per-hour.
They both step toward the audience menacingly. Ox picks up a chair and breaks it. The audience is really enjoying it. Axe leans down to a guy sitting ringside.
AXE
Hey, buster.
Axe holds his hands near the guy's face.
AXE
Who would you like to look?
The crowd continues laughing.
INT. BACKSTAGE AT THE COMEDY STORE
Jimmy is pacing nervously back and forth backstage. Amy is sitting in a chair eating a hamburger.
JIMMY
Christ. How can I follow them? Listen to the laughs they're getting.
AMY
Would you relax? You'll be great. Here, have a hamburger.
Amy hands Jimmy a hamburger just as he paces past her. He takes it without even thinking.
AMY
Try not to be nervous.
JIMMY
Nervous? Who's nervous?
He takes the hamburger, opens his mouth, and puts the food up to his forehead.
JIMMY
Darn. I thought I was taller. Nervous? How could you think that?
He misses his mouth and sticks the hamburger in his neck.
JIMMY
Hell, I'm so cool I make James Bond look like Don Knotts.
He goes for his mouth again, but crumbles the hamburger all up and it falls to the floor.
INT. COMEDY STORE STAGE
Ox has a customer by the throat.
OX
OK, fella. Where's your god now?
Axe breaks a glass onstage.
AXE
Was that Memorex or Sammy Davis' eye?
Axe roars with laughter at himself.
AXE
Hey, Ox. Lets get out of here.
Ox lets go of the customer's throat and returns to the stage.
AXE
We're going over to do a show for another set of dummies at the Wax Museum.
OX
Don't kid yourself — we'll make them laugh.
AXE
They better.
OX
So long, wieners.
AXE
Don't take any wooden tire irons.
They wave, exiting crashing through chairs and tables. The crowd applauds wildly. The M.C. returns to the stage.
M.C.
Coming up next, newcomer Jimmy Milford.
EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT
Among some parked cars, which are pointed every which way crookedly, we see Louie, the drunken parking lot attendant, trying to cram a huge stuffed toy dog into a car. He is slipping as he shoves. First, he tries with the head of the animal first. Louie stops, swigs from a bottle, then tries the dog rear-end first.
Vic and Joey approach Louie with Jive bouncing between them. Louie turns around, swaying. Jive stares speechless at Louie and the dog.
VIC
OK, Jive, describe your truck to him and ask him if a truck just like it came in here last night.
JOEY
Tell him there might have been a mix-up.
Jive snorts a few times; still stoned.
JIVE
(to Louie)
Hey, man, whizz. You gotta frolie with the tires?
LOUIE
Lazt night a ramble light burrromo came to the lot.
Jive points down. Louie points up.
JIVE
Can youooo sasenee if I was here?
LOUIE
Uh huh.
VIC
Why me? Why is this my job?
Vic runs to the street. He spots a weird-looking guy in a huge black hat with about a two foot brim. He wears a leather vest over his bare chest and knickers and tennis shoes. He steps slowly backwards one step, then takes three tiny steps forward as though he is stepping over cracks.
VIC
(to Weird One)
Would you mind helping me?
WEIRD ONE
Of course I would — not — mind. What's the gig?
Vic pulls out some money.
VIC
Here's ten bucks. Come with me.
Vic hurries the Weird One back up to Joey, Jive, and Louie.
JIVE
But you can't be zooooni eeeroti berruti.
LOUIE
Oh yes she twaang.
VIC
(to Weird One)
Now what I want you to do is translate what they're saying.
WEIRD ONE
Dig.
VIC
Now, Jive. Ask him if another truck like yours pulled in here last night.
JIVE
Iszzz it rooleet last nightie buzz?
LOUIE
Zure it eezi minoplita.
WEIRD ONE
He said yes there was an identical Ryder truck.
JOEY
Jive, ask him who the other truck belongs to.
JIVE
Who shammed a lot of woo woo woo woo?
LOUIE
Lordout and hollykamer.
VIC
What did they say?
WEIRD ONE
He asked him why he was trying to stuff the dog in the car. And he said because it's there.
Joey punches Jive angrily.
JOEY
Ask him who the truck belonged to.
JIVE
Who the luburamo for the zzz?
LOUIE
ArkaBaroz. The The.
WEIRD ONE
A group called 'The, The.' They're playing at the Roxy.
VIC
Let's go.
Vic and Joey hustle Jive toward the Comedy Store. Louie takes a swig from his bottle and resumes trying to stuff the huge dog into the car. The Weird One continues on down the street.
INT. STAGE AT THE COMEDY STORE
Jimmy is on stage — and on a roll. The audience response shows he's cooking. He heads down the home stretch.
JIMMY
--- And the biggest airlines in Terre Haute are 'Trans Debris' and 'Air Ash.'
The audience laughs.
JIMMY
Air Ash is the only airline that has roll-down windows.
More laughs.
JIMMY
There's no in-flight movie. Instead, the plane circles a drive-in.
Big laughs and applause.
JIMMY
In closing, let me remind you this is National Forestry Week, so take a tree to lunch.
Laughs.
JIMMY
Thank you, thank you.
Jimmy walks off stage to applause. He makes his way toward Frances Tennis. Amy runs up to Jimmy and gives him a kiss.
AMY
See? I told you you'd be good.
They approach Frances, Roger, and Buddy.
JIMMY
(to Frances)
You look very nice tonight.
BUDDY
Good going, Indiana.
FRANCES
A good first effort, son. A few months' seasoning and we'll have another look.
Jimmy is heavily crestfallen. Amy puts her arm around him as consolation.
BUDDY
Geez, Frances, it would really mean a lot if you could ---
FRANCES
Come along, Roger.
Frances looks at her watch.
FRANCES
We have to go to the Monkey and the Nun opening at the Roxy.
ROGER
I hope to see you again, Mister Milford.
FRANCES
(to Buddy)
We'll see you and your comic pals tomorrow night.
Frances and Roger leave. Jimmy is standing there in complete despair, Amy at his side.
BUDDY
You were damn good, Jimmy.
He stamps his foot in anger.
BUDDY
She pisses me off.
He storms out, shaking his head.
AMY
I know you probably don't feel like saying anything. Let's go back to the hotel.
They head out the Comedy Store entrance to the front parking entrance along Sunset Boulevard. Jimmy has given up hope.
JIMMY
My Dad will be lost without his chickens.
They walk very slowly toward the hotel.
AMY
Forgive me, Jimmy, if I sound like Norman Vincent Peale, but I still don't want to give up. We'll think of something.
JIMMY
Tomorrow night is the deadline. What could we possibly do — buy NBC?
AMY
If nothing else, remember what you Father taught you: "When things look gloomiest, bring in your sense of humor to the rescue."
JIMMY
He better remember that, himself.
Amy stops and just to start up some sort of an attempt to cheer Jimmy up she takes her fingers and pulls her mouth wide sideways and crosses her eyes. Jimmy is unaffected.
JIMMY
You're really sweet, Amy, but I just can't seem to find a sense of humor at a time like this.
Jimmy drops his pants. They both laugh. Some people passing by jump back, startled. Jimmy pulls his pants back up and they continue walking.
AMY
That's more like it. Now we've got to get some sort of eleventh hour battle plan going.
JIMMY
(newsman style)
End of the world at ten o'clock. Film at eleven.
They walk a little way and there is a beggar standing on the street. He has one leg missing from the knee down. He is on crutches, holding out a cup. As they approach the beggar —
AMY
I wish he was a hunchback, we could rub his hunch for good luck.
JIMMY
Or, if he was a fag beggar we could rub his fly.
BEGGAR
Anything you could spare, brother, would be greatly appreciated.
JIMMY
Why not?
Jimmy reaches in and puts two quarters in the Beggar's cup. At this, the Beggar snaps the rest of his leg which he had folded behind him down, puts the crutches under his arm and tips his hat.
BEGGAR
Thank you, brother.
The Beggar walks away on two normal legs. Jimmy and Amy look at each other, then laugh.
JIMMY
What a great way to get taken.
AMY
I bet he could figure out a way to get you on the Tonight Show.
They are now at the driveway that goes up an incline to the hotel parking lot. From the depths of the parking lot, they hear a crash. A moment later, a tire rolls down the incline.
AMY
I see Grapehead is parking cars again.
Jimmy and Amy approach the hotel entrance.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
as Jimmy and Amy enter. Off to the side, there is a counter girl at the Hertz rental desk waiting on a Customer.
HERTZ GIRL
There you are, sir.
She turns the papers around for the Customer to sign.
HERTZ GIRL
Sign right there, please.
The Customer signs the papers.
HERTZ GIRL
Fine, sir. And there's your vehicle, right over there.
The Hertz Girl points to O.J. Simpson, who is standing at the ready in the middle of the lobby. The Customer picks up his suitcase and walks over to O.J. He jumps up on O.J.'s back.
CUSTOMER
Airport.
O.J.
Yes, sir.
O.J. runs out of the hotel carrying the Customer.
Jimmy and Amy shake their heads as if to say "we've seen it all."
INT. BAND HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
There are three big beds and a couple of cots, A lighted fish tank is by the wall.
Amy and Jimmy enter the room. Amy goes to the TV set. Jimmy flops on one of the beds, forlornly.
AMY
It's not over yet. This hotel has some great cable stations. It'll give us a breather from our problems. There is a comedy channel.
In the background, we hear the set, but do not see the screen. Amy flops on the bed next to Jimmy. They prop pillows up to watch TV.
JIMMY
What the hell are we watching?
We hear Beethoven amid growling noises.
AMY
The Gorilla Philharmonic Symphony.
JIMMY
The what?!
AMY
Most of the gorillas are faking it, but the xylophone and cymbal players are for real.
(Show TV with Gorilla Philharmonic if possible, but it is not necessary.) In spite of himself, Jimmy laughs.
JIMMY
What am I doing laughing? I better call my Dad and tell him it's all over.
AMY
As Yogi Berra would say, it's never over 'til it's over.
We hear Beethoven with a lot of extra cymbals and xylophone out of synch plus growling.
JIMMY
My Dad himself said when things look darkest that's when you need your sense of humor the most.
AMY
He's right. So — did you ever hear the one about the three fag pirates?
The music stops. A last lone cymbal sounds.
TV ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
The Gorilla Philharmonic was brought to you by the Teddy Kennedy Race Car game.
In front of the Announcer we see a toy race car runway. A toy race car zooms down the runway and goes off a bridge.
JIMMY
How do I change the station?
AMY
With this.
She takes a remote station changer and clicks it. The station changes. She hands the remote control to Jimmy. Jimmy is watching the new show.
JIMMY
There's hot late night programming; a tape delay of some soccer game.
AMY
You never know what you'll see on these closed circuit stations. They're experimental. I saw drunk bull fighting one night.
JIMMY
Maybe when Mister Hearns comes to take over the farm my Dad could teach the chickens to kill him.
TV ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
We'll be back to the Southern California versus the Cadets of Army soccer game right after this message.
The Pope appears on screen.
POPE
I'm not going to say I'm infallible about this, but even I relax once in a while and go for a little pleasure. No, I don't light up. I take a little Macho Chewing Tobacco.
The Pope pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco.
POPE
I stick it under my lip, and no matter how big the wad, I can still speak eleven languages. Try Macho — it's the next best thing to incense.
Jimmy and Amy laugh.
TV ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
Now, back to the Southern California/Army soccer game.
The sound on the TV is turned down low.
JIMMY
Is there anything we can do? Use a gun — anything?
AMY
Maybe we could go right to the producer.
JIMMY
And have him insult his head talent coordinator by overriding her decision tonight? Fat chance.
AMY
It might work.
Jimmy sits up staring wide-eyed at the set.
AMY
What's the matter?
JIMMY
Do you know what the mascot of Southern Cal is?
Amy looks at Jimmy.
AMY
Yeah, the Trojan horse, isn't it?
JIMMY
That's right, and the Army mascot is the mule. And right now, the Trojan horse has mounted the back of the Army mule sexually.
Amy looks at the set.
JIMMY
You are now watching two mascots trying to breed.
(Show shot of this if possible, but it is not necessary.) Amy grabs the remote control channel changer away from Jimmy.
AMY
We better put this back on the regular channels.
Jimmy stops her, and gives her a kiss.
JIMMY
I promise I'll be good. I will not do to you what Mister Hearns is going to do to my family.
Amy pushes the button to change the channel.
JOHNNY (v.o.)
Well, that wraps up the Tonight Show for now. What's that? Our producer points out I forgot to tell you about a special treat we have tomorrow night. In addition to the stars I told you about, an interview with Siamese Quintuplets. See you tomorrow.
Applause over the TV, and the Tonight Show closing theme.
AMY
That's our boys. Our comic friends. It's a funny bit they do.
JIMMY
Turn that off, it's too painful.
Amy turns off the set. They lie there in silence. Jimmy leans over and he and Amy embrace. Suddenly, Amy pops upright.
AMY
That's it. I've got it. Come on, we've got to find the comics.
She practically drags Jimmy to the door. He breaks loose and goes to the lighted fish tank.
AMY
Will you come on?
Jimmy looks into the fish tank.
JIMMY
I just want to watch the end of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.
Amy heads out the door.
AMY
Hurry up, nimwit.
Jimmy runs out after her, closing the door behind himself.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
Jimmy and Amy come out of the elevator and as they rush through the lobby they pass a fat woman wandering around in spike heels. She has a life-size Playboy-type fold-out taped to her body from head to toe. She is walking up to men in the lobby and propositioning them.
EXT. ROXY Theater - NIGHT
The marquee says:
THE, THE.
Waiting outside is a large and unruly mob. The theater is almost filled, and everyone in line is edgy and anxious. The doors are going to close any second and people are going to be turned away. A guy in an usher suit is trying to get this mob moved up against the wall.
USHER
Back! Please! Move back! Back! Move back, please!
The mob moves back as he moves up to the front of the line.
USHER
Back! Move back, please!
He gets to the door, shows the real usher his ticket, walks in. The crowd sees this and back toward the door, pissed. The line moves slowly in. From the back of the line we see a Hungarian acrobat standing on a guy's shoulders. Another acrobat is standing on his shoulders. The top guy jumps on a small round trampoline. He flies through the air, over the crowd and lands on the shoulders of the guy at the front of the line. He gives the usher his ticket, and ducks his head down as he goes through the doors on the guys shoulders.
A Husband and Wife are close to the front of the line. The Wife is huge, pregnant, and having labor pains.
WIFE
Ooohhh — The — the contractions are coming closer together, dear.
HUSBAND
Don't worry, dear. We're almost inside.
An Arab and his entourage approach the front door, walking past the line.
GUY IN LINE
Hey, where you going, you oily cocksuckers?!
The Arab stops. He turns and faces the Guy. He flashes open his robe and he's naked. His cock is in the shape of an oil derrick. He closes his robe and walks to the front of the line and into the Roxy Theater.
The pregnant woman and her Husband have now reached the front of the line.
WIFE
It's coming! It's coming!
HUSBAND
Lie down and push, honey!
She lays on her back and holds her legs and pushes. Her face turns red. The Husband kneels in front of her.
HUSBAND
It's coming, honey!
People are ignoring the birth. They're stepping over the mother and walking into the theater. The father pulls the baby out and holds it up.
HUSBAND
It's a boy, honey! We have a son! It's a boy!
WIFE
(exhausted)
Great. A boy.
HUSBAND
Come on, let's get a seat.
He helps her stand up, and puts the baby in her back pack. The usher stops them when they try to enter.
USHER
I'm sorry. No children under twelve-years-old are allowed.
HUSBAND
How about under twelve seconds old?
USHER
Alright.
The couple rushes into the theater. The Usher starts closing the doors. The theater is full. Joey, Vic, and Jive run up to the doors. They try to muscle their way in.
USHER
You can't come in. It's full. Fire laws.
Vic and Joey look at each other. Then, they pick up the Usher and jam him into a cigarette machine. His head is sticking out the back of the machine. Joey, Vic, and Jive run into the theater.
INT. ROXY Theater
The place is jammed — even the aisles. People are clapping. They want "The, The." The stage is empty except for the instruments on their stands. Joey, Vic, and Jive try to make their way to the stage. It's hard; the aisles are blocked.
ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, "The, The."
The place goes wild as the group runs on to the stage. They grab their instruments. Joey, Vic, and Jive have been foiled.
The group starts playing. As two guys blow into their horns, cocaine blows out of the instruments. One guy strums his guitar — coke floats to the ground. The drummer hits the bass drum and breaks through it: coke hits the floor. The audience and our group are stunned. There is silence.
AUDIENCE
It's coke. coke! Coke, everybody!
Everyone starts yelling "coke" as they storm the stage. A stampede is on.
INT. ROXY LOBBY
Vic, Joey, and Jive run out of the theater. Joey gets in a phone booth, and dials a number.
JOEY
(into phone)
Boss, you won't believe what just happened.
EXT. TONY CZAR'S pool
Tony is on the phone near his new hot tub.
TONY
You got the stuff? What??? You're kidding!
Unseen by Tony, tentacles are coming out of the hot tub and are reaching for him.
TONY
You assholes! I'll kill you for this! I promise! I'll kill you good!
As he continues to yell into the phone, the tentacles grab Tony and pull him toward the hot tub. Tony screams. Tony is dragged into the hot tub and pulled under. It's over for Tony.
INT. TERRE HAUTE ELKS CLUB
Hank morosely walks up to the bar and hails the bartender.
HANK
A beer, Red. Better put a shot in it.
In the background, we can vaguely hear the sound of the Tonight Show on the bar TV set. Hank gets his beer, and drinks it quickly. Randolph Hearns walks up to Hank smugly.
RANDOLPH
Red, give my friend here another drink.
HANK
Randolph, don't rub it in. I'll get out of my place tomorrow like the agreement says.
RANDOLPH
No hurry. Noon will be fine.
HANK
Listen, I want to tell you a few things about the farm. You know, when to feed the chickens, how to handle the eggs ---
Randolph interrupts, smiling.
RANDOLPH
Look, Hank. I don't give a shit about your chickens. I'm putting apartments on that land. What you can teach me about chickens is how to wring their necks.
Hank straightens at this remark.
HANK
You bastard. I can still stomp your ass. Then go ahead and sue. All you'll get is my clothes.
RANDOLPH
Calm down, Hank. I won't kill all the chickens. I understand there is a high school in Muncie looking for a mascot.
HANK
You know something, Randolph? Your mother and a hockey goalie have something in common. They both only change pads after three periods.
Randolph steps toward Hank angrily.
HANK
Ah ah ah! You know I'd cave your head in.
INT. TONIGHT SHOW SET
Johnny Carson is at his desk.
JOHNNY
Our next guest — guests, actually — are a very unusual group. Those of you allergic to anything bizarre had better leave now. No use telling you anything more about them, you'll soon see. Welcome the Siamese Quadruplets.
The audience greets the Siamese Quadruplets with applause. The Tonight Show orchestra strikes up a tune to play them on. The Siamese Quadruplets come through the curtain dressed in a very large jacket. Out of the top, above the huge collar, are the heads of the four comics. The end man on the right has his arm in the right sleeve. The end man on the left has his arm in the left sleeve. They take small steps out on stage. Jimmy comes out separately in a normal jacket, tie, and pants as their interviewer.
JIMMY
Have you ever considered being separated?
QUADRUPLET #2
Not where we're connected.
JIMMY
Have you had fun here in Hollywood so far?
QUADRUPLET #1
Yeah. We saw Burt Reynolds. We met him a few years ago. We were going to say hello to him now but we didn't know if he'd remember us.
JIMMY
What would you say is your biggest problem?
QUAD #1
(at one end)
I'm gay.
QUAD #4
(at the other end)
So am I.
QUADS #2 & #3 (together)
Big trouble for us.
EXT. NBC STAR PARKING AREA
We see Louie, our drunken parking lot attendant from the hotel, driving into the star parking lot area in a long stretch limousine. He is driving erratically. As usual, he has not beaten John Barleycorn.
The sign over the parking area says;
STAR PARKING LOT
Louie is looking for a parking space. He starts to back up into places where he obviously can not fit the limo. He's pulling forward, creeping backward, and searching everywhere for a spot to park.
Louie is getting more confused. He backs into Tim Conway's car. Tim gets out and gives Louie a dirty look. Tim holds up a finger at Louie, but it's not the insulting one. Then, he tries his index finger instead of his little finger — no, that's not quite right either. Neither is the thumb. Finally, Tim just throws his hands up: The hell with it.
Louie, meanwhile has been trying for another space, and bangs into another car — this time, Carroll O'Conner's. O'Conner stands nearby doing a slow burn.
Louie crosses back to try his luck on the other side. He backs into another car: Jack Lemmon's. Jack gets out of his car and shakes his fist at Louie. Louie is now too frantic to find a parking place to concern himself with trifles like auto wrecks.
He sees another spot and goes for it, this time damaging Bob Hope's car. Bob gets out of his car to deal with Louie.
Finally, Louie finds a spot in the middle of the wide corridor and stops the limousine. It's not running too well, now, and just about every panel and fender on the entire car has been crumpled. Louie forces open his door and gets — or rather falls — out.
LOUIE
Ssssorry every buddy. Hiii. Pleazze file by one at a timme and give me your lawyer's card.
INT. TONIGHT SHOW set
Jimmy is interviewing the Siamese Quadruplets. They are getting big laughs from the audience, who obviously enjoys them.
JIMMY
What's the thing you regret most?
QUADRUPLET #3
We'll never do a Volkswagen commercial.
JIMMY
Were you breast fed?
Very fast sequence.
QUADRUPLET #1
No.
QUADRUPLET #2
Yes.
QUADRUPLET #3
Yes.
QUADRUPLET #4
No.
JIMMY
Thank you, gentlemen.
QUADS
Thank you.
The Quadruplets exit, but Jimmy stays out.
The Tonight Show staff is looking quizzically at each other. We can see them buzzing, indicating they don't know what Jimmy's up to.
Jimmy walks over to the stand-up monologue mark. The four Siamese Quadruplet comics run off. Jimmy starts a monologue quickly, since it is unauthorized.
JIMMY
Folks, forgive me for a minute. I just got into town and you wouldn't believe my hotel. I knew I was in trouble when I saw the bed had a sanitary strip across it.
The associate producer goes to stop Jimmy, but hears the laugh. Johnny Carson indicates to let him go.
JIMMY
The house detective knocked on the door and said, 'Do you have a girl in there?' I said no, so he threw one in. The bed stand had a Gideon Bible and a bucket of oysters. They closed the kidney shaped pool because it had to pass a stone. The room key has a number on it — the phone number of the nearest bail bondsman. A sign on the wall of my room said 'Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.'
INT. ELKS CLUB IN TERRE HAUTE, INDIANA
Hank Milford is going out of his mind, cheering and punching the air happily, as are the other Elks.
HANK
He did it! Yahoo.
BOB
Congratulations, Hank. The kid is really good.
Hank spins around hollering. He ends up near a table filled with bottles, glasses and plates. Hank grabs the tablecloth as though he's about to pull it.
HANK
Fellas, tonight I think I can pull this out from under that stuff so fast it won't spill.
Everyone scrambles to grab bottles and drinks, but Hank stops just before actually yanking on the tablecloth.
HANK
Innkeeper!
He walks to the bar, laughing and shouting.
HANK
Innkeeper! Never mind the horses, more wine for my friends. All around. Where's Randolph?
Hank spots Randolph at the end of the bar. He goes to him.
HANK
Well, Randolph. I guess I'll be laughing all the way to your bank. Check that — my bank.
RANDOLPH
I still can't believe the whole damn thing.
HANK
Well, as your first wife said on your wedding night, 'No hard feelings.'
INT. TONIGHT SHOW set
Jimmy is winding up his stand up spot. He is going over fabulously.
JIMMY
Where are you people from?
They all holler out cities. Jimmy picks Detroit. He points to a man.
JIMMY
Detroit? Boy, you got a tough town, there. A lot of crime. In Detroit, they sell nylon stockings by the head size. They're so tough they consider rape foreplay. A freighter in the Detroit River went aground on former bookie bones. They put a statue of the mayor of Detroit in the park by the river — it was the most cement ever used there above water. The biggest expense for the Detroit police department is body outline chalk. Anybody here from out of the country?
A few countries are hollered out. Jimmy points to out lady.
JIMMY
Germany? God love you. You made our family some money. During World War II my Dad bet on Germany to place.
Jimmy looks at his watch.
JIMMY
I have to leave now for my weekend job in the Middle East. I'm a shoe shine boy for firing squad victims. Thank you. You've been great. You've made an Indiana country boy feel terrific.
Jimmy bows and leaves. The audience gives him thunderous applause and shouts of approval. The band strikes a triumphant upbeat number. Jimmy exits, turns, and gives one more wave of thanks as he goes backstage through the curtain.
INT. TONIGHT SHOW BACKSTAGE
The Tonight Show band plays an upbeat play-off segue into happy jubilant music.
Jimmy bursts through the curtain. He's on cloud nine. The comics are there still in their Siamese Quadruplet get-up. Amy is there jumping with joy. All the comics ad lib congratulations.
COMICS
Great Jimbo. You'll be Rookie of the Year. You did it.
Jimmy picks up Amy and hugs her, swinging her around in a circle. He puts her down, holds up his arm and fist in a Rocky-like gesture of triumph.
JIMMY
We did it! Thanks everybody.
In the background, the band plays appropriately triumphant music for the studio audience during a commercial.
Jimmy takes Amy's hand and they head out of the studio. On the way, they go by a group of animals brought by Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo. As Jimmy and Amy pass them, three seals start to applaud with their flippers, chimps clap their hands, and other animals seem to be showing their congratulations in their individual ways.
JIMMY
Thanks, fellas.
Jimmy and Amy run hand-in-hand out the door. Louie honks the horn of his limousine. Jimmy and Amy see him, and go up to the car.
AMY
Louie, what are you doing here?
LOUIE
Buddy told me to be here and driiive you hoooome if you were good.
AMY
He was terrific.
LOUIE
Get in.
Jimmy and Amy climb into the limousine.
INT. LIMOUSINE
JIMMY
Whose limo is this, Louie?
LOUIE
The Shah of Kuwait. He's at a Western OPEC meeeeeeeting at sa hotell. He won't miss ---
As Louie drives off erratically, he turns on the radio.
ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
--- at the Continental Hyatt House Hotel tonight the western OPEC meeting was cancelled by the hotel as a protest to high oil prices.
Hearing this, Louie does some heavy swerving. Jimmy and Amy laugh but register nervousness at his driving. Jimmy spots a phone in the back of the car.
JIMMY
I'm going to use the phone here, Louie.
Louie is too busy going through guard gates, swerving, and keeping from dozing to care.
AMY
You better call the Vatican for a Saint Christopher medal.
The car lurches and they're thrown back, laughing.
CUT TO:
INT. ELKS CLUB BAR
Beyond Hank and Randolph, a Man holds up the phone.
MAN
(shouts)
For you, Hank. It's your son.
Hank runs full blast to the phone and grabs it.
HANK
You did it, son. But I want you to know I love you, whether you did or not.
Hank listens for a moment.
HANK
Yeah, I'll rub it into Randolph. But I just bet him you'd star in a picture with Bo Derek within four months.
Hank laughs to himself as he hears Jimmy's reaction.
HANK
Just kidding, son — You think you just ran over a what? — Yes, I'll go up in the attic and say hello to your mother. Good going, son. Talk to you later.
INT. LIMOUSINE
Louie is heading down Sunset Boulevard. Jimmy and Amy are in the back. Jimmy spots a one-legged Beggar on crutches with a cup.
JIMMY
Stop the car, Louie.
Louie comes to a lurching halt.
JIMMY
(to Amy)
Come with me.
They get out of the car.
AMY
Thanks, Louie.
JIMMY
You gonna be all right?
LOUIE
Yeah, I got some wine hidden behind that Coppertone billboard up there.
Louie zooms away.
JIMMY
Now, watch this.
Jimmy and Amy walk up to the one-legged Beggar.
BEGGAR
Can you spare anything?
Jimmy pushes the Beggar over. He and Amy walk on, laughing. Jimmy looks back, then forward, then does a double-take.
JIMMY
Holy Christ, he wasn't a con man. He really did have only one leg.
Sure enough, the Beggar has but one leg. Jimmy and Amy stop and look at each other. Jimmy shrugs, and they laugh.
JIMMY
You know, getting on the show and winning the bet for my Dad was the second-best thing that's happened to me. I'd like to kiss the first.
Jimmy kisses Amy. Amy smiles.
AMY
Isn't it great?
A lady stops and looks at them, as though saying "What are you doing on the public street?" Jimmy kisses the lady.
JIMMY
(to lady)
Isn't it great?
Amy grabs a passing guy and kisses him.
AMY
Isn't it great?
Jimmy and Amy kiss everybody, saying "Isn't it great?" (MUSIC: Swelling, happy theme.)
THE END