My New Year’s resolutions

  • I will sell my collection of Czechoslovakian barking spiders.
  • I will try to play my hi-fi at the threshold of human pain more often.
  • I will stop poking postal employees with sharp sticks to see if they are alive.
  • I will not buy a CB radio.
  • I’ll trim the ivy around my house so that nice man next door can use his car again.
  • I will stop talking to myself on the phone.
  • I will stop shooting over the head of that obnoxious dog next door.
  • I will try to stop making fun of people who live in Marina Del Rey.
  • I will sell my share of Manhattan Island back to the Indians.
  • I will remember to check my chainsaw at the door of libraries and restaurants.

Note: I had the privilege of having Peter Bergman of The Firesign Theatre cold-read this on Radio Free Oz (KPFK).