Politics: Papoon for Resident
As recounted elsewhere, shortly after moving to Brentwood from Escondido I met the guys from the Firesign Theatre. I got into writing by sending them things I’d written. One of the things they were in to was a mock presidential campaign for their candidate, George Papoon of the National Surrealists Party, who appeared in public wearing a sack over his head. His campaign slogan was, “I’m not insane.” Here are some of the items I submitted; I have no idea if they ever used any of them.
- More Pole Results In
- Gerald Ferd Comments On New Poll Results
- Papoon States Beliefs
- Papoon Visits Little Sleep, Indiana
- Papoon Endorsed by Minutiæ Men
- Papoon Out-Trumans Truman
- Leading Businessperson Backs Papoon
- Papoon Pulls Out of Depression
- Support and Backing for George G. Papoon Swells and Grows
- Papoon Presses for Equality
- Papoon Warms to Worms
- Papoon Reveals More About His Mystery Diet!
- Jimmie Cardoor Identified by Leading Depublickins!
- Jimmie Cardoor Names His Accomplice!
- Papoon Initiates Move of the Nation’s Capital!
- George LeRoy Tirebiter Plays Major Role in Disaster!
- Papoon Answers the Most-Asked Questions of Little-Guys!
- Papoon Removes Sack for Photographers!
- Gerald Ferd Charges Electrician with Incompetence!
- Papoon Debates Electrician on his Own Ground!
More Pole Results In
According to the AP, two different Poles indicate an overwhelming preference for the National Surrealist Party, and their candidate George Papoon. While it was expected that Papoon would get the majority of the votes from these two Poles, it was not known until now that Papoon has virtually snowed under the opposition.
The results from the first Pole show Papoon way out in front with 98 percent of the vote, Ronald Rerun, Gerald Ferd, and Jimmie Cardoor about tie at 1 percent apiece, and 3 percent of the vote going to favorite son Sol Helios.
In the second Pole, the totals are nearly the same, with Papoon receiving 95 percent of the vote, Rerun, Ferd, and Cardoor about equal at .1 percent, and 6 percent of the vote going to favorite son Aurora Borealis.
The vote totals do not add up to exactly 100 percent due to the fact that many of Papoon’s constituents are organisms that have not been compensated for in the tabulations.
Gerald Ferd Comments On New Poll Results
If the election were held tomorrow, George Papoon, the National Surrealist Party candidate, would win even if pitted against all the other candidates simultaneously. Papoon’s whopping 57 percent of the total vote would be more than enough to defeat the combined efforts of Ronald Rerun and Gerald Ferd (Redundocrat Party), Jimmie Cardoor (Depublickin’ Party), and Frank MacBride (Libertine Party).
Scarcely were the totals announced for this poll, when candidate Gerald Ferd called a press conference to dispute the findings. The next of his speech can be found below. Portions of the speech were indiscernible due to the candidate’s pounding on the podium. These portions are marked with an asterisk (*).
“I have just seen the tallies of the latest Pole that show (*) Papoon leading. Well, I just want my thousands of loyal followers to know that we believe this Pole was (*), we are not going to concede defeat, and we are going to keep on working until we (* * * * * *)!
“(* * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *)! (* * * * * ** * * * *** * * * ****** * ** * * * * * * *** * * *)! (* ** * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *)!
“In closing, I want to say don’t you believe anybody else, we are going to win in November. Anyone who tells you differently is probably a smart-guy. These Poles can be wrong. Remember, Copernicus was wrong; Michigan is the center of the universe. So why can’t these other Poles be wrong, too?”
Candidate Ferd then left to tour the psychiatric ward of the local hospital.
Papoon States Beliefs
With all of the indicators pointing to an easy National Surrealists Party victory in the fall, the American people are beginning to wonder about this man who could very well be the next president of the United Snakes. Papoon, the man whose charisma and affability have overcome the stigma of campaigning with a sack over his head, is generally recognized as a nice guy. However, simply being a nice guy is not enough when it comes to qualifications for president, as we have seen in the past administrations. Papoon, when asked, is content to stand on his record. But with the uncertainty of the supply of PVC, not everyone can join him in this pastime. That is why this magazine asked Papoon if he could give us some solid ideas about his platform.
“We were thinking at first about running on Platform Eight, but we decided that the taxpayers would have to shell out too much for the tanks they’d get,” quips Papoon as the cross-examination begins. Briefly, here are a few of the planks of the NSP platform.
- The re-institution of the death penalty for Tequila Shooters.
- A reorganization and speed-up of the U.S. Snail Service, with special attention to improving Err Mail.
- Legislation to force Hods to become self-supporting. Historically, the unions have opposed this move, but Papoon states that we can’t go on carrying them forever, and he will do everything in his power to “get them off our backs.”
- A ban on the manufacture of all hype-performance cars, boats, airplanes, etc. This includes the recall of many of these deadly and underpowered machines as possible.
- The dissolution of the Excitement Repression Agency (ERA).
- The streamlining of the clumsy and ineffective Bureau of Inter-agency Miasma. Papoon claims this reform alone would increase the trust of the people in the government ten-fold.
- And finally, the establishment of a Random Interruption Agency, whose purpose it would be to keep the citizens on their toes. Papoon is optimistic that this move, combined with the elimination of the ERA, would improve the quality of life in America.
Papoon Visits Little Sleep, Indiana
Presidential Candidate George Papoon this week visited his childhood home of Little Sleep in what may be the last chance to snap him out of his depression. Campaign worker Caldo A. Nueces appeared confident that the candidate is doing well, and stated that he was sure that Papoon would feel much better after the trip. “After all,” he quipped, “not many kids can boast of playing with so many hoods as a child, and George was the best!” The remark was an obvious dig an Steely Nelsafeller, who the NSP has nominated as non-runningmate of the year. Candidate Papoon attended a rally in his honor, and later met with a “small” group of people for a lunch-in and mutual endorsement ritual (see below).
Papoon Endorsed by Minutiæ Men
In keeping with the Buy Santa Ana Ya’ll movement, NSP candidate George Papoon this week received the backing of the descendents of the historic “Minutiæmen” in a dual ceremony at which Papoon affixed a bumpersticker to his DeSoto that read, “I Brake for Insects and Pollen.” Allegedly thousands of Minutiæmen cheered sub-audibly until they were hoarse when Papoon proclaimed, “We must all suffrage together, or we will all heel over!” This bold move strengthens the stranglehold that Papoon has on the little-guys and other elements of the nascent voting populace that he has single-handedly worked to enfranchise.
Papoon Out-Trumans Truman
Although newspeople nationwide and just about everybody else have criticized National Surrealist Party candidate George Papoon about his vagueness of answers, his seeming vacillations on the important topics of the day, his wishy-washiness, his unpredictability, his lack of candor, and his inability to grapple mano-a-mano with the world’s pressing problems, Papoon this week came out in undeniably strong language at a press conference designed to pinpoint his persuasions. Papoon made himself remarkably clear to everyone in America, including certain humans, as revealed in this actual transcript of the showdown:
Ida Rather (CBS News): Do you have any concept of this campaign’s issues?
George Papoon: Gesundheit!
Unfortunately, the microphones went dead immediately after Papoon’s remarkable statement. Camp-pain worked Caldo A. Nueces vowed to “get to the ‘ottom of this!” A reliable source states that Nueces then muttered, “If ‘at’s the way they want to ‘e, two can ‘ay at that game.”
Leading Businessperson Backs Papoon
The nation’s number one cerealist today came out in favor of NSP candidate George G. Papoon. In spite of the fact that he is a wealthy businessperson and an ex-Pentagon official, General General G. Mills endorsed Papoon in what can best be described as an emotional outburst. His statement is as follows, as transcribed by Dick Gump:
“I wholeheartedly commend Papoon’s humane efforts. Reviving this country’s direction is an important service, and he’ll do as well in foreign matters. I strongly recommend Papoon.”
Aides for candidate Ronald Rerun, however, dispute the statement. Mora Dasame, a rather old and stupid cheese logger from Oregon, offered this obviously misunderstood version of the General’s remarks:
“I wholeheartedly condemn Papoon as insane, of course. Rely on his commie insurrection and imported servants, and we’ll go to hell, I’m sure, and rot there. I’d strangle that damn Papoon.”
General Mills is survived by a wife and three daughters.
Papoon Pulls Out of Depression
In a miraculous even that left the faithful delirious with joy and the doubting nonplussed, National Surrealist Party candidate George G. Papoon effected an amazing turn-about to his recent downward slide. Shouting it out was National Student coordinator Caldo A. Nueces. “Students aren’t too dense to attune with Papoon! We’ll gain in his reign ‘cause his brain’s Not Insane!” National Camp-pain chairperson Dick “Richard” Gump was pleased to answer short questions about the recovery.
“It all came from the meeting last month with vice-presidential candidate George LeRoy Tirebiter. I saw how ultra-attractive he looked, and he attributed his good health to a good diet and regular stabs from the past. Well, I got to thinking that if LeRoy could do it, so could my man. After all, he doesn’t eat anything either, what his his constituency being who and what it is, so that was no problem. It was the other part. Then I remembered; his father always told him, “You gotta start young if you’re gonna stick it out.” So I called up the old man and put it to him, so to speak, and he fell, ur, went for it.”
The man who accomplished what millions thought to be impossible is of course, none other than the world-renown Rat Papoon. The material that has been written about this simple man is legend, including a song by the rock group Deep Purple. Mr. Papoon appeared confident and well acclimated as he stood with his equally famous son, George, after the recovery.
“I just whispered the magic words in his ear, while he repeated to himself, ‘There’s no place like the White House,’ and clicked his heels together.”
All that soon George had to say was, “It looked like I was down the drain, but now I’m back, and Not Insane.” Dick Gump, smiling in the background, chimed in, “It just goes to show, Dada saves.”
Support and Backing for George G. Papoon Swells and Grows
With NSP candidate for the orifice of president George G. Papoon back on his feet and feeling much better, the endorsements as well as the backers continue to pour in and add themselves to the list of others who have recognized that George G. Papoon is the man they wish to uphold in the upcoming elections.
However, this week will certainly go do in history as being the week that George G. Papoon knew he was “over the hump” and almost assured of a “first balls-out” victory on election day due to this momentous week when the massive, omni-oppressive weight of the Body of American Redundopods was thrown into the fray on the side of George G. Papoon.
This was a major and important victory for George G. Papoon in the race for a strong and winning coalition. Although he tried not to show it, former Governor of California Ronald Rerun was keenly disappointed. Said he, “We did want and sought the support and endorsement of the BOARs, and I hope that this is not their final decision and word on the matter. Most certainly we would welcome them to our side, as well as the Verbose Idiots Party, who are, as yet uncommitted and unspoken for. I believe that I would be the logical candidate for them to support and endorse.”
The only other candidate who could be reached for comment was Gerald Ferd who, when asked by a reporter for Eastern Washington’s Spokane Word, wittily replied, “Duh, could you repeat the question?”
The Redundopod endorsement and support would mean their backing nationwide and in many cities across this great land of ours. BOAR headquarters in Watchyurtongue, D.C., and the branch orifices in the capitals of every state in the union plus in certain major key cities, could be used as staging areas and jump-off points for huge Papoon campoon rallies. Plus, many busy Redundopod executives would gladly volunteer for posts in the new regime.
George G. Papoon’s National Student Coordinator Caldo A. Nueces opined that, “They decided to go with George (G. Papoon) because of his track record of being left-of-center, but always right-of-way.”
Papoon Presses for Equality
There appears to be no let-up in George Papoon’s attack on specism in all forms, and his support of Animals in Action. Today in a press conference, appropriately enough, he fleshed out two more refinements in his platform.
First to incur the candidate’s wrath was the working conditions of pop flies. Charging that the flies are not being paid fairly, Papoon proposed that they be paid for a time equal to the duration of the game, instead of the “fly now, pay later” scheme in effect presently. In a similar vein, candidate Papoon suggested that criminal charges be instigated against batboys, for mislabelling. Papoon claimed that thousands of hats annually are lured to their deaths by false promises of meeting other bats, only to be clubbed to death by heavy wooden bludgeons.
Also on the list for full-time compensation for duties performed were facial tics. Papoon alleged that people with facial tics rarely bother to pay them, resulting in ugly suits being brought against the owner. Papoon pointed out that we could right a wrong against this forgotten and abused sector of America, that would at the same time give us a better-dressed populace.
Papoon Warms to Worms
Presidential candidate and part-time incumbent George Papoon took what may be his most controversial stand of this heated campoon this week when he called on the Supreme Court to hand down an injunction against early birds.
“Sure, they’re my friends,” Papoon was quoted as saying, “but they are wiping out a good portion of my underground support.”
The news of this statement brought an immediate reaction from head bird-brain Thomas Eagleman. “I haven’t talked with George about this yet, but I’m sure that he can explain everything.” He then added cryptically, “We’re still behind him 1000 percent.”
When asked for details on his plan to compensate the birds for their loss, President Papoon had the answer.
“It’s quite simple, see. With the money we save from dismantling and discontinuing our Early Worming System, we will have more than enough to pay back the birds, plus we could buy some hot dogs.
“The money would of course be funnelled through the Department of Health, Education, and Warfare.”
It remains to be seen whether Papoon can keep his coalition together.
Papoon Reveals More About His Mystery Diet!
In a seemingly innocent move which may well swing the “fatties” vote to his side, George Papoon this week revealed the secret diet that he followed to pull himself out of his depression.
Papoon got the amazing diet from none other than the famous George LeRoy Tirebiter, a movie star in his own right and now the leading vice-presidential candidate for the National Surrealist Party. Tirebiter, as you know, doesn’t eat anything, and still manages to maintain a healthy appetite.
Tirebiter picked up his diet while filming his very first film, “Tirebiter Tails” (British, 1958), co-starring Larry Parks and Constance Smith. Except for Tirebiter’s role as a newspaper-person on assignment in Tokyo who gets involved with a group of international weight-watchers, the film is generally panned. The location shooting, however, proved to be highly educational for young Tirebiter, as he chanced to meet the leading dietician in the Far East, George Ouchowa. Dr. Ouchowa had just finished his first book, entitled “You Are What You Don’t Eat.” This was the first exposure that Mr. Tirebiter and indeed the rest of the world had with Ouchowa’s revolutionary “I Tshi Chiu Not” diet, based on the age-old but still feasible “waste not, want not” principle.
Many people claim that the lack of variety in the diet is hard to get used to, but Dr. Ouchowa pooh-poohs this criticism as “juvenile.” As for George Papoon, the diet seems to be doing everything that the doctor said it would, and Papoon himself pauses and winks moribundly, “I never felt better in my life.” The ever-hip candidate then adds, “Just goes to show there is more than one way to get a skinny cat.”
Jimmie Cardoor Identified by Leading Depublickins!
In one of the most horrifying spectacles ever witnessed, inmates from cells of Depublickin institutions all over the United Snakes converged lemming-like on the center of insanity for the entire world, New York, to participate in a gruesome mass polling. Residents of New York, who call their city the Bad Apple, welcomed the invaders and in some instances joined them in their search for a scapegoat.
National Surrealist Party candidate George G. Papoon pointed to this as a fine example of what would happen if the country fell into the evil glutches of the Depublickin Party. “You don’t need to get hit in the head to know who the best man is in the Surrealist’s Party,” Papoon proudly proclaimed.
After the polling, first aid was administered to the delegates who survived, and these select few were ushered in to see the Rogue’s Gallery, ten confusingly similar pictures, where the delegates were asked to identify the “man” who struck them. An overwhelming majority of the patients admitted to the screening, also known as the Rorschach Test, recognized Jimmie Cardoor, a convicted auto-felon, as their attacker.
The only other man seriously accused of the savage beating was Jerry Brown, an aging semination student. Mr. Brown, however, was cleared of all charges when his defense attorney, a Mr. Diogenes, arrived at the Invention Center. Mr. Diogenes had apparently lost his way when the old-style lamp that he is wont to use blew out due to the high winds emanating from the Center.
The Invention Center is so-called by the psychiatrists who study this phenomenon. It is their contention that the Depublickins believe that they are helping the world by their gatherings, which take place every four years. The psychiatrists point out that this belief is solely their own, and is a figment of their imaginations. Hence the name, Invention Center. It is further noted that very few of the people indoctrinated into the Party in this way ever recover fully.
Jimmie Cardoor Names His Accomplice!
Convicted mass-poller Jimmie Cardoor finally broke down under extreme pressure, naming his accomplice in the horrendous act. According to Cardoor, the other assailant was none other than Walter “Spot” Airedale, a member of the Court of Seniles, a respected Sedater, a frequenter of the Congestional Chambers, and the leader of the much-caninized Dogs For Decency.
Airedale is the “man” upon whom Cardoor is counting to garner the sympathy vote from the legions of supporters currently backed George G. Papoon, and he may well do it. Airedale has had a good rating in the past with such groups as Animals in Action, and could possibly pull Cardoor’ fat out of the fire, so to “speak.”
As of this writing, Papoon could not be reached for comment, and it remains to be seen what the impart will be on the upcoming election.
Papoon Initiates Move of the Nation’s Capital!
George Papoon, the “Not Insane” candidate of the National Surrealists Party, this week let loose with what many outsiders consider to be an opinion. Noting that, “a little movement is good for the body politic,” Papoon stated his plan for the relocation of the White House.
The area suggested by Papoon for the new capital is note other than the god-forsaken wilderness of Cockaigne, on Calafia’s Island, a dramatic change from the hustle of present-day Watchyurtongue, as there are only a few natives on the island, remnants and roll-ends of the ancient Cola Cola tribe. Papoon stated further than an Environmental Impact Report is being filed because of the tremendous influx of money that will be generated by the move, and injected into an economy that up until now has existed solely on the exportation of a fine, white powder that abounds on the island to countries such as Peru.
It is easy to see why Papoon chose this island, as it is the exemplification of his own Hole Earth Theory. All the inhabitants of Cockaigne live in holes and shallow pits, and do almost nothing save watch the TV. “After all,” cackles a native, “what is a tube but a hole in a box?”
To minimize the effect of the invasion of outsiders, everyone who takes up residence on Calafia will be required to live in a hole. Candidate Papoon is having his old hole moved to the island, along with almost 5,000 creatures of varying description who claim to live with him.
Papoon rationalized the cost of the move like this, “Sure, the initial costs will be high, but out there the holes are just lying around on the ground. No longer will we be forced to crate them and stack them on top of one another as we do in most major cities, including Watchyurtongue, AC.”
Not only the White House, but other key buildings in the government zone are slated for movement, among them the Treachery Building, the Federal Suppository, the Supreme Goat Building, and the Congestional Chambers.
George LeRoy Tirebiter Plays Major Role in Disaster!
One of Hollywood’s brightest stars this week signed a contract with the Al K. Selzer studios to headline the upcoming production of the latest disaster film to end all disaster films.
So big is this new film that it is reported that Mr. Selzer will personally produce and direct every phase of it, to insure that it receives the treatment he feels it demands. Insiders, however, say that he is doing it only to watch over the performance of Tirebiter, who, it is believed, inked one of the largest single contracts in the history of Hollywood to do the film.
Although the project is cloaked in secrecy, this reporter has learned that the working title of the film will be, “Campoon ’76,” and is slated to have a cast of thousands of little-guys.
The tentative release date is November 7.
Papoon Answers the Most-Asked Questions of Little-Guys!
Candidate and right-guy George Papoon consented to answer the most-asked questions from his biggest voting bloc, the little-guy. Little-guys from all over America have been sending in their favorite short questions for Papoon, and after the counting was all over, the three recurrent themes that the average little-guy in interested in were known. They are reproduced below, with the candidate’s replies.
Question: How do you feel about midgets, dwarfs, runts, pygmies, elfs, shrimps, small fry, peewees, half-pints, and pip-squeaks?
Answer: I love them! Plus, they are necessary to the economy. For example, who else is qualified to use the cars, benches, appliances, furnishings, and clothes that America produces to the exclusion of all else?
Question: Is it true that you one defended an obscurantist who committed defenestration with a time-piece?
Answer: Yes. He merely wanted to see time fly.
Question: Were you ever on “Bowling for Karma?”
Answer: Yes, I was. I won two free excuses to be used at my discretion and a new mantra.
Papoon Removes Sack for Photographers!
Photographers from all over the United Snakes were shocked to find themselves invited to see the unveiling of the National Surrealist Party candidate, George G. Papoon, the man with the sack over his head, the man currently leading all the other candidates in the Poles.
While it is not ours to question why Papoon appears in public the way he does, still, one can not help but wonder why he waited until this crucial moment to doff his bag.
As eager photo-fiends waited nervously in the huge hall to witness the debut of the mysterious front-runner, it was easy to feel their excitement, and share the anticipation that they, as well as all other sane Americans, were experiencing.
Nearly 1,500 photographers shifted from buttocks to buttocks and from foot to foot as the preliminary speeches were given by local dignitaries and the president of the Photographers Union, but when Dick Gump stood at last and announced, “Ladies and humanoids, I give you George G. Papoon,” the eyes of everyone in the room were riveted on the stage. It was so quiet, you could have heard a bozo thinking.
Then, a great cheer swelled up from the crowd as Papoon stepped into view without his sack for the first time in public. The smattering of applause that greeted his entrance soon grew to a standing ovation in spite of Papoon’s signals for quiet. Papoon, a man of medium height, handsome features, wide-set blue eyes, close-cropped black hair, and an even row of white teeth, soon calmed the assembly enough to interject, “I thank you for your kindness, but when you leave here tonight, this will all be but a memory for you, as we all continue to look reality in the face. Thank you, and good night.”
As Papoon walked off the stage, the tumultuous cheering began once again, and did not cease for some time, when one by one, those with deadlines to meet left to call their editors, with the others leaving only after they could cheer no more.
There were no cameras allowed.
Gerald Ferd Charges Electrician with Incompetence!
In an apparent attempt to help the Electrician get started on a cold morning, Gerald Ferd allegedly got his wires crossed and burned out two of the Electrician’s plates.
Aides for the Electrician were at a loss to explain what had happened.
“He normally recharges very easily,” one aide was quoted as saying, but was reluctant to speculate until after the family technician had examined the candidate.
It is not known at this time if this was an accident of deliberate campaign buffoonery.